Tuesday, January 29, 2008
I realized that it is sooo much easier to deal with love than with hate! Hate is disgusting and corrosive. It destroys your life. Love, on the other hand, may be painful at times, but it truly is a much better alternative to hate! And God is teaching me how to love. Just love. With no expectations.
2:46 PM
Monday, January 28, 2008
The days pass by sooo slowly............ I want to see you smile.
5:35 AM
Sunday, January 27, 2008
I just had a thought! Did Yi-xian's decision have to do with what I blogged here? Did he read it this time last week (wow I can't believe it has only been a week) and decide that just because I blogged unhappy things that I was perpetually unhappy?
I really hope not... Because that would be really stupid. My blog is an outlet for when I'm unhappy. I guess I should post when I'm happy too (just to be fair to my memories in future), but I prefer to enjoy and steep myself in the happiness than let it out on a blog.
Well, just for future reference, I was happy. Sure I wasn't happy all the time, but I'm not on drugs so I sure don't expect to be! And I think he kind of loved me more (or showed that he loved me more) later in the semester with little things like the looks he gives me, holding my hand and hugging me. I was not angry or upset about him going to Nicaragua and not being able to contact me, because I remember how he missed me when he was in Tibet. So I was just waiting to be with him again. And how happy I was when he returned! Yes, I tried to raise the issues that we hadn't settled yet last semester because I wanted this one to start on a clean slate, but that didn't mean I was unhappy. The dinner at Chipotle where we first met this semester's SMU students is still crystal clear in my mind as possibly the last happy moments we had together. Me leaning against him with our arms linked, standing in line for burritos, smiling and laughing.
I blame myself for my addiction to WoW and deciding to play it for days to forget my unhappiness about the salsa performance, instead of going to him and seeking comfort from him. I blame myself for not telling him how much I love him and miss him when I could. There was a point in time where I had zero regrets in life. Then I had one. Then came 2007 and now 2008 and I have so many regrets that I don't know where they start.
Baby. I love you. Please love me? We can make it work, I promise. I'm not confused any longer (except about what you think/feel now). There are so many things I thought about over the winter that you didn't give me the chance to tell you. Like... How I changed my mind about pregnancy because I want to have your babies :) I want little boys with your eyes and smile, and little girls full of love. I want to be a great mom to the kids, but what I really really want to do, is be there when you come home from work. Hug your troubles away with a delicious dinner waiting for you on the table. Watch you completely dote on your daughters and being stern to your sons (haha), then let my hands run all over your body before you go to sleep to sooth all your stresses away...
Isn't it silly, how much I love you? I blame myself for not making all this clear to you when I could, but no point crying over spilt milk right? (Despite how much of it I did... Haha.) If we're meant to be, then we're meant to be. If not, then well, life goes on I guess. I see this as divine justice for what happened with you yi last year.
Well, if you still love me and want to make me happy, you'd come back to me. We could have an amazing life together: traveling the world, raising a family, skydiving when we're 60 *grin* In the meantime, I just have to wait, and pray. Pray we get the same internship perhaps, or the same job in the future. Pray that you'd still see me as a friend, at least, because I treasure your friendship now and will treasure it always.
I told you last year about how, when I love someone, I give a part of my heart to that person forever, right? Well you've got a part of that now... If you ever need help, I'll be there in an instant. Come to think of it, Marcus still has a bunch of my money :P
I wasn't looking for my fairytale romance anymore, because I'd found it in you. I think I fell for you when you saved me from that sketchy white guy the first time we ever went clubbing, and I can still remember that first dance we had together. I wish I could talk to you about what happened at the club last night. About interviews. About how Candice is the most awesome girl on earth (after Liyana). Please be my friend, at least. Talk to me.
3:53 AM