Friday, May 04, 2007

5:15 AM

Thursday, May 03, 2007

"One thing I ask of the Lord, this is what i seek: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and seek Him in His temple." ~ Psalms 27:4

2:18 PM

I've been trying to be there for him the past few days... But he's still walling me out. We haven't kissed since monday even though i've seen him every single day since then, nor have we cuddled or talked properly.

Time for me to step back and give him as much space as he wants. I will not call him, msn him nor look for him. It's up to him to take the initiative... A part of me is worried that he won't and that we'd just drift further apart, while another part of me thinks that if that's the case, then no big loss since i'm not going to chase after him forever. If he doesn't do anything by monday then too bad for him, coz you yi's coming then. I don't really care for either of them right now. I'm just going to concentrate on my studies and let whatever happens, happen.

"Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord."
~ Psalms 27:14

1:40 PM

Suddenly, I can't imagine not going back to SMU... Studying/hanging out with friends in the well-lit GSRs all day, jogging in the gym, walking around in heels and saying hi to everyone, attending lectures in the comfortable seminar rooms and giving project presentations, drinking $1 ice milo from Mr Tea, watching movies at PS and eating B&J at Cathay, eating CHEAP good food from the food court etc etc etc...

Do i really really want to come to UVA? Or is it just the novelty of it all? God has opened these doors for me, to do what I always wanted: study & work in America. Is this what is best for me Lord? Is this what You have planned? Or is it me still dreaming my American dream?

Guide my path O Lord... Let me go where You want me to go.

6:15 AM

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

I feel as if there's this whole other part of him I can't reach and that i can't connect to at all. Seriously, I have no idea why he loves me. We don't seem have the same chemistry, that extra something that urges you to give everything to the other. I think our relationship is extremely pragmatic. We are, on the surface, a perfect match in what we are looking for in a spouse. I will make him a good wife and be a good mother to his children. He will make me a good husband and be a good provider for the family. Our social backgrounds and status are similar, our goals in life are similar, thus it only makes sense that we marry.

Screw common sense! I want him to open up to me, to tell me what he's feeling and go deeper than just "i have a lot of work to do today". I wish he would entrust his feelings to me along with his heart. I wish he would cry in my arms if need be and let me soothe him.

A few days ago, Bjorn's father passed away because of cancer. When Bjorn confided in yix, he immediately offered to go back to Seattle with him and changed his flight the next day. That was... hm, yesterday. We had dinner together and he was not feeling very good (emotionally). I realise i'm very bad at comforting people. I'm not humorous or engaging enough to take people's minds off their problems, nor am I understanding or insightful enough to say things that make them feel better about their situation. The only thing I can offer is my presence, which is woefully inadequate. He got annoyed when I started stroking him, then amused because my hand kept twitching from trying not to stroke him. I can't reach that part of him at all. He cuts me off at a certain point... Make out, yes. Bear babies and spend lifetime together, yes. Tell me his plans for the future, yes. Tell me mundane occurrences in his day, yes. Tell me what he's feeling, no.

Sigh, i just saw his subnick: "bye huangdi. i'll be missing you." Huangdi is his favorite dog. I'm guessing it just passed away :( if amber passed away, esp without me there, i would be stunned and distraught. But he being male, would try to deal with his feelings 'like a man', meaning keeping it all inside and what not. I want to go over and comfort him, but doing so may disrupt his dealing with it himself and i may get rebuffed. Even if i don't get rebuffed, he would likely just let me hug him and leave it at that and wait for me to go away or something... What can i do?? I remember having this feeling of inadequacy since elementary school, of being completely helpless in the face of someone else's sadness yet dying to be able to help. But i've never known how and everything i've done has never been enough. One of my make-believe wishes (apart from having more wishes, the power of flight and being the best dancer in the world) was to have the ability to make people happy.

Longer sigh... Clara, Brendt, Chester & his other friends are closer to him than I will ever be... :( Why do i try? It takes 2 to tango.

3:51 AM

Cheryl Kong

SNGPS/RGS/RJC/SMU/UVA

~*dancer*lover*dreamer*~




1. Go on exchange
2. Transfer to UVA
3. Visit the SPCA here at c'ville
4. Skydive & Whitewater raft
5. READ THE PAPERS DAILY!

• my sister
  
• my best friend
  
• my captain
  
  
• Channel News Asia
  
• Wall Street Journal
  
• Forbes
  
  
• Wikipedia
  

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