Saturday, April 07, 2007
Ok its fine, everything's cleared up now. What he said was in the heat of the moment and he trying to control it... His latest post seems good too so I'm alright now. Still, i must remind myself not to get into something with yix esp if it might not last a lifetime. Shu En said that sometimes its ok to date and not think about the future, but i guess i'm still in it for long-term stability.
Yup i can sleep now. Good night me.
Praise You Lord :) Thank You...
3:21 PM
I just had a 2 hour plus long conversation with Shu En, interspersed with random conversations with people walking up and down the Munford corridor :P I feel better now... Thank You Lord. But now its time for me to call You Yi. And I'm beginning to feel a bit anxious. Lord, give me the words to say... Guide me please.
2:30 PM
Wtf... I lied to him?!? WHAT?! I'm destroying the friendship???????? By what? By trying to tell him that we shouldn't talk so often (often meaning 3-5 times a day) so as to help him get over me????
First he says:
i was happy..i thought i was happy
then she called..
then i hurt
Then:
hey guys..she just called me
i've tried so hard to hide and suppress my feelings..
i was actually getting better.. i was forgetting her.. i was happy with what we were doing.. just calling her once or twice...
talking to her.. just as friends, getting to know what's happening over the next few days..
then she tells me that maybe i shouldnt talk so much with her..
pain ripped out through my heart..i was stunned speechless..my head filled with a tempest of emotions and sadness.. choking, suffocating, i couldnt seem to breathe..
she said she doesnt want to cause me anymore hurt than i already have received.
*hangs head* she has no idea how much i have already suffered..
!!! Reading the first post or so made me feel guilty and think i should get back together with him, but after DAYS of those kind of post, each making me out to be the bad guy more and MORE, I don't know what to think! Grow some balls and STOP BEING SUCH A MARTYR!!! I told him i think all his friends hate me, and he tells me, "no, not at all, i tell them that you're a really nice girl and that you're just trying to be friends." Then he writes that kind of poisonous, self-pitying words on his blog behind my back?! Look who's the liar now??? Grow up and take it like a man! *scorn* Honestly, I realised while reading his blog just now that I still loved him, because his words just ripped my heart in two. But in doing so, he totally killed whatever love I had for him, because now I know that I will NEVER be able to get back with him again, even if i don't work out with yix! Not after seeing the way he's stabbing me in the back right now.
I'm really really really upset. But you know what? He's not worth it. AT ALL. Now I know why love is blind... Up till half an hour ago when my love died in an instant, I still thought he was a good guy and that we may be able to work out again in future as I would love him for all his faults as well. But now. Haha. Now... Not ever.
otherwise, like i told teo, maybe can become a playboy....try at least can right? i dont have the bod, dont have the looks, but at least i can make em laugh =P..of course you guys and i know that i'll probably fail miserably at it, but... i'm starting to look around.. a relationship with an ABC will have no resolution.. no future.. but why not have some company right?....shurgs... maybe...i know that actually i want to marry and have a happy family more than anything... but.. why not...we'll see... if there's one girl who is willing to get into a short term commitment relationship...
Good luck to the next girl who gets him! I thought about cancelling our summer trip together, but why bother? I have no issues with him. Why give him some more to moan about to his friends?
He's been freaking all my friends out btw...
1. He messaged li, but she just got annoyed with him (haha)
2. Robin asked him about our travel accom and you yi told him he didn't want to share with him (poor poor robin!)
3. He friended all my friends on facebook (and they're asking me why in the world is he friending them coz he's not their friend)
4. He wished yix happy birthday over facebook, which yix thought was kinda weird but accepted it gracefully and didn't tell me about it (i saw it myself)
5. He called guan ming last sunday afternoon asking him where I was coz he hadn't been able to get me since the night before
6. Today, he messaged wei qing over msn asking her about yix and now she is terrified! She called yix while i was having lunch with him to tell him about it and ask him how you yi knew about her. Obviously it was because of me so now i feel absolutely horrible. Wei qing told chester (her boyfriend who is yix's best friend) who is now pissed of at you yi for scaring his girl) and that's why yix is upset coz he just wants them to be happy and he didn't mean for them to be dragged into this mess. He calmed down really fast though, because I was really upset too and he defended you yi saying, "its understandable, when a man has nothing left, he grasps for straws." then he joked that he should start a facebook group called 'who wants to know more about ng yi-xian' and invite you yi into it so that he can ask him to his face.
My parents are so sweet... I just told my mum that you yi and i broke up a few weeks ago because he was being too clingy. At first she was like, 'i told you so!' in a joking manner, then I heard my dad in the background go 'hey don't liddat lah' -smile- then she sobered down and asked me why, what happened etc and said anytime I want to talk, just call her and asked me if that was why I wanted my family to come visit me a few weeks ago... She said i should have told her earlier so that she could pray for us. I guess I didn't tell her earlier because there was always this chance that you yi and i might still get back together, but since that chance is gone now, I felt it was the right time to let my family know.
I feel like crying now :( for the first time since we broke up... because i'm sad that we let such love slip through our grasp. Sigh... I love my family. Amber's really smart now apparently. When my mum says walk-walk, she'd grab the leash and bring it to my mum to bring her for a walk. And when my mum said car-ride, she went straight to the car and put her front paws up on it waiting for my mum to open the door for her :) sigh... Anyway my parents also warned me not to rush into another relationship. It was funny, coz i told her there was another guy here who likes me and my dad said, "i hope its not my friend's son", just as i said, "its papa's friend's son"!! haha. He said that coz their family's not Christian and stuff and my mum said she doesn't need another couple in the family like bryan and jade :p
Very impt:
pray for you yi to continue in his faith
pray for God to open yi-xian's heart to him
8:40 AM
Friday, April 06, 2007
He told me that it was because he thought I was his, but he realised that I wasn't and that I'm still single. He said he thinks he cares too much for me... And here I am thinking he doesn't care enough :p
BUT! But but but but... He said (in exactly these words!) "I think I'm falling for you..."
*ecstatic* I started nuzzling his neck, because I was just too happy to say anything :) :) Finally, i whispered, "too late, I've already fallen."
I'm happy, but I'm not satisfied yet... There's still that extra something missing, because neither of us is entirely committed yet. He's so handsome, I could stare at him forever. I never thought I'd say something like this, but, i think we need more physical chemistry!! Haha. Yeah that'd be perfect -grin-
2:41 PM
I am so freaking jealous... SOOOO damn jealous. ARGH!
I've GOT to stop this. Seriously, seriously, teenage-girl type crushes are BAD! Horribly destructive things... STOP feeling, stop hurting, just be strong. *steels myself* be strong babe. I know you can do it.
2:10 AM
Thursday, April 05, 2007
Jervis said to just forget her and she's not worth it...."just a semester in a new location and she breaks up with you? it's not worth it..means it probably would never have worked out anyway" - You Yi's blog
Umm... I'm hurt? My whole life I've never had anyone dislike me and I'm throwing it all away here? For yix? For a mirage?? I really don't know what I'm doing and what to do. It would be so easy to just go back to You Yi, but in many ways, I've already made my choice and its not something i can just turn away from. I feel like I'm the one doing all the fighting and the yearning and all that here. What a weird triangle... you yi -> me -> yi-xian -> ?
I don't want my life to be some taiwanese drama... I just want a movie with a happy ending :(
1:40 PM
I disappointed him... some how, some way and i don't know what to do :(
We're so much alike it scares me. That is exactly how I would act when I'm angry/jealous... Just pull away. Don't talk about it or it'd make things worse. Now I know for sure that he's holding back. He's falling but he's scared of committing himself and he's holding back. But why?? Was it because I answered you yi's phone call? I guess it must have been since nothing else happened then...
But baby, I'm falling too...
And I need you to fall with me and hold me on the way down because I'm scared :( I'm scared that I might hit the ground so hard that I'd shatter if you weren't there to cushion my fall.
You're so much of a risk but you mean SO SOOO much to me. Please don't push me away darling. Give us a chance. There are men in my life, but there are women in yours too. Women who smile flirtatiously at you and would pick you up in an instant if you but gave them a smile in return. Me? I promise you my heart. Please give me yours to fill the hole in my chest.
Yi-xian, yi-xian... You called me 'love' in your sms today. I don't know what it meant to you but it made my heart leap all the way to cloud 9999. 'You finally spelt it right!' I wanted to reply. But I didn't know what it meant to you. A slip of the finger perhaps? So I didn't reply, but savoured it... Turning it gently over in my mind, examining it this way and that, holding it so closely, so carefully in my heart. And I lay in bed and smiled to myself. Love...
Is this love? This torturous tenderness? This looking at the door hoping you'd come back and explain and let me make it up to you? I know you won't, of course. You don't love me that much (yet?). You're too stubborn, too set in your thoughts about what a 'man' should do, too much like me... But darling, a man's gotta make the first move you know? I've been offering myself on a plate for you and you alone. I broke up with a boy who, for the last 2 years, has kept my heart carefully for me because little by little, you were stealing it away and I can't be with someone unless I'm thoroughly with that person (does that make sense?). Sometimes, you take a bite or two off my plate, to last you through the week. But tell me, when will you commit yourself to me and let me do the same to you? Yes, I know, its the dreaded 'C'-word. I yearn for it, but I won't demand it of you... Its for you give to me whenever you're ready.
Dear boy. This is all i wanted to say. Dear boy... I miss you.
12:14 PM
NERINA PALLOT - Learning To Breathe
Oh, this road is long, this road is wide,
It takes more than luck to last the ride,
It takes strength and it takes courage to survive,
And did someone ever say to you,
"There's nothing bound in thought you cannot do?"
Well, I've seen some things but not all of them came true.
So I don't want to be the last, I don't want to be the first,
Don't want to be alone with my thoughts tomorrow,
And I don't want to be afraid, don't want to look away,
I'm learning to breathe,
No I don't want to be the last, I don't want to be the first,
I just need a hope and a light to follow,
Like sailors look to stars to find their way home,
I'm learning to breathe on my own.
And I know a man who lost his wife,
This is the way he chooses to describe his life,
He says, "If I think too much, I find there's just a hole,"
But before she went, she left a son,
He says, "Dad, you're not the only one,
Maybe love is just a requiem for the soul..."
So I don't want to be the last, I don't want to be the first,
Don't want to be alone with my thoughts tomorrow,
And I don't want to be afraid, don't want to look away,
I'm learning to breathe,
No I don't want to be the last, I don't want to be the first,
I just need a hope and a light to follow,
Like sailors look to stars to find their way home,
I'm learning to breathe on my own.
Oh, do you still feel small?
Just a speck of life on an ocean wave,
Does it pull us all?
Does it pull us all?
So I don't want to be the last, I don't want to be the first,
Don't want to be alone with my thoughts tomorrow,
And I don't want to be afraid, don't want to look away,
I'm learning to breathe,
No I don't want to be the last, I don't want to be the first,
I just need a hope and a light to follow,
Like sailors look to stars to find their way home,
I'm learning to breathe on my own.
I changed my msn nick to: "i just need a hope and a light to follow" and yix messaged me...
Yix: Even got good booze, lim be not drink says (4:51 PM):
hmmm
Yix: Even got good booze, lim be not drink says (4:51 PM):
follow me.
4:41 AM
This is hilarious!! :P
4:40 AM
Wednesday, April 04, 2007
Thought of the day:
Psychology tests never test what they tell you they're testing.
I spent 4 hours experiencing that today *big blinky eyes* the first 2 were okay. The third one was an audio/visual thing which i might have screwed up coz i kept falling asleep during the missing rhythms :p the last was just boring... i couldn't wait to get out of there! Anyway, i was writing in my notebook in between tests (do NOT leave said notebook alone with nick and budi around! lol) so here's what i was writing...
Overall, I think that there's a lower chance that yix and i will succeed than you yi and i... I really think I'm kinda stupid sometimes... I'm giving up a talented dance partner, intelligent scholar, one who sings and plays computer games with me, who loves me with all his heart and would do anything for me, for a guy with a beautiful pair of eyes I could stare into forever? One who is less book-smart (but more street smart) and doesn't appreciate me much?
Why? Because I want a man, not a boy.
But is it really worth it??
I really worry... And am strongly considering getting back together with you yi even if I come to UVa. I guess it's coz he didn't call me today (except in the morning to make sure I don't oversleep and miss my exam, which is something yix would never do btw) so I'm not annoyed with him as I've been most of the past month or so, which was why we broke up. So I'm in a better (more neutral) state of mind to compare him with yi-xian, and he treats me a whole lot better than does yix. A lot a lot. =/ dear, dear yi-xian is someone i can rely on (he's mature and responsible) for the rest of my life, but he has had waayyy too many women falling at his feet and him helping them up and leaving them behind later, for him to exert any effort to make me stay. Seriously, if we didn't work out, he won't regret it for long... Just move on, get another girl, just another stage of life.
So although we spend a lot of time cuddling, and he says men only cuddle women they have feelings for, I doubt those feelings are strong enough to last a lifetime.
Extraordinary? I'm still praying for ordinary.
Oh yeah, Bryan got the Rolls Royce job! And Jade got her posting in London =) i'm so happy for both of them :) :)
2:29 PM
Monday, April 02, 2007
i'm in there!! You Yi and i went for this class when he came last (or was it last last?) year... So cool... I miss being really good at salsa. Haha.
6:37 AM
I've had a BUSY last few days... I'm sorry, best friend!! I haven't been online coz i spent the last 2 days/nights with yix :p Friday night was CCF large group meeting followed by the SSA 'general elections' the results of which are:
President - Cecil Ang (great guy, best person to have around in ANY situation, but very PAP material)
Vice Pres - Clara (Lee?)
Treasurers - Jessica Kim & Jervis Bay
Publicity Chairman - Ng Yi-Xian
Social Chairman - Puah Guan Ming
If i get in next sem, i'll help gm with the social events!! Coz everyone is scared that its just gonna be drinking games from now on.. haha. After the elections, yix came over to the IRC to study with me, while Cecil, Jervis & Bayle stayed over coz they were all doing the 10-miler together (Shu En too) and the starting point was near the IRC. Long story short, yix & i overslept the next day and missed running with them as we had studied till quite late the night before. Poor jervis ran the 10 miles with a tummy ache (but my sympathy for him decreased since he said he'd never date an rgs girl coz rgs girls are du3 -ie. poisonous).
After the run, the runners + yix & i went for springfest together for a free lunch :) only noteworthy thing: I BEAT CECIL IN THE KIDDY OBSTACLE COURSE!!!!! GRIN :D:D:D
kiddy obstacle course meaning one of those bouncy balloon like structure thinggies. hehehehehe. Cecil is Ning Yan's mentor! Like everything Ning Yan + 1 year... Rugby capt, top bmt, top OCS all that. HAHA. cheap thrill yeah, but STILL. ;) he took his revenge after that by challenging me to that funny game where each opponent stands on a platform facing each other and tries to use big stick things to push the other person off. He beat me in like record time by punching me in the face 0.O
I went back home and slept after that, only to wake up around 5+ to trudge over to Cecil's place with a pot & a rice-cooker to help him cook for his bak kut teh party. Yeah i'm very proud of my lap chiong eggs... lol. Dinner lasted till almost 11pm, with yixian, gm & i staying on to help Cecil clean up. Feeling really gross & smelly, i went over to yix's place to shower (they all stay pretty close to each other) and we talked for a good 2 hours before we started studying together till i was falling asleep on my book around 3am. Woke up today, had lunch and went for Mahogany and now i'm back in my room and with my computer :p
Those were the chronological sequence of events but the interesting parts were as follows:
Friday night, while studying together, i told yi-xian about kiet wanting to kiss me. He stared at me for about 2 seconds then went "NO."; looked at his book for about 5 seconds before going "bloody bastard... ask this kind of question! Wah lau, europeans... He wanna kiss someone ask him to come and kiss me lah. Or better yet, send him to my brother..." and stopped there. (his brother's gay.) Needless to say, i was (still am) very very happy and pleased with his response because at least it shows that he cares :) :) Actually, i already knew he cared, i just wanted to see how possessive he was, because i like my man to be a least a tad possessive of me :) too much also no good... So i'd say his is just about right :) :) :)
Saturday, 2 more of the Singaporeans asked us what was going on between us... Haha. I think i shall note down all the people who have asked about us just for record's sake :P
Jimmy: "So what's going on between you and yi-xian?"
Me: "Nothinnggg..... Go ask him!"
Ru Yi: "What's between you and yix ah?"
Me: "Why do you ask that??"
Cecil: "So what's with you and cheryl?"
Yix: "We're... single. Complicated but single."
Helen: "Are you guys dating or something?"
Me: "Huh, who??"
Other singaporean ppl who know...
Jervis: he saw us holding hands at the gym some mondays ago
the Bahaman buddies: they've known since before i broke up with you yi
Nick (sarah's older brother so sarah prob knows too): we watched 300 with him and budi, he saw us holding hands in the cinema
Candice: she knew since the night we went for the CSA Chinafest afterparty at first wok (i think lee keong might have known from then too? coz we went to eat gusburgers with him after that)
Which means... hm... pretty much everyone knows about us :P but i'm not sure what there is to know know, coz we're not even together or anything. We might as well be though... He was already planning last night how to woo my parents and telling me about his own. He claims my mom will like him just for his planning to bring both our parents out for a nice dinner one sunday... haha. And the next 'family' outing will be at a zi-cha place coz both our dads like that sorta thing -grin- me, i'm supposed to be warm and friendly with his family... haha. I just can't WAIT to visit his home because apparently everyone in the family likes to read and they even had a library before renovating the house last time *drool* hmm looks like i need to brush up on lit and singapore's local talents to find common ground with his brother & sister :p
We also have 2 'double-dates' lined up for us when we go back to singapore... One with Wei Qing & Chester (his ex and his best friend) and the other at Menotti's with Li and Andee (ok this isn't really a double-date, hence the apostrophes). haha. He also asked me to teach him how to ride a bike!! Li! He can't ride a bike!!! haha! I can't believe it but surreee, why not -grin-
All in all, it was a warm, wonderful weekend together... I can't wait for his midterms to be over on wed then we can eat beef hor fun (or my attempt at beef hor fun) together and watch blood diamond =)
Now... what/how/when am i supposed to tell You Yi?? :(
4:59 AM