Monday, August 15, 2005

I've been crying a lot lately..... Crying.. and crying... and crying. Right now in fact. Even during this morn's acad briefing.. And at borders. And home. And when watching charlie and the chocolate factory... And whenever i think abt him, which is perpetually, so, yeah, you get the picture.

It all started... last night. After midnight in fact, so you can consider it this morning if you want.. But you yi called, and he sounded like he'd been crying too... And he told me that his mom and his sis had a talk with him, telling him that they are very concerned abt him as they feel he's been overstretching himself. That point is definitely true but i guess i'm not firm enough to be able to do smthing abt it. As it is, his sister cried in front of him and i think he felt quite shaken by all that they said. Basically, he's not allowed to meet me on weekdays anymore. And he can't talk on the phone aft 11.30. This is to allow him as much rest as he can get so his health will -hopefully- improve and he won't fall asleep while driving anymore... So it's all for the best you see.

That is, of course, gonna be difficult for the both of us, but what's made me really sad.. is that his mother doesn't seem to like me... much. or at all.. i don't know. See, i'm starting to cry again.. Damn tears... Today, for example, yy suggested going to join his mom at her sister's place coz he hasn't seen them in awhile. His mom, naturally, told him to go home, then said alright he could come, provided he doesn't talk to me tonight.

..............

Which is why i think we should break up.
Coz i don't want to fight his family for him. They only have so much time left to spend with their only son, the baby of the family, so why should i begrudge them that?? My logic is this: I once told li that the time we have can be split into the different portions of our lives in the form of a pie chart. So if you insert a new thing into your life, you'd naturally have to reallocate your time from some of your old activities to the new one.. In yy's case, i suddenly appeared to take up a LOT of his time, most of which time he previously spent on his family or on his own rest. I love him. More than i've ever loved anyone else (except God!) and in loving him, i want to look out for his interests FIRST... His health, his happiness, even things which might not make him happy but ultimately remains in his own best interests... Like his not having to spend his time on me. IE: exit, cheryl.

That is what i feel best for him.

For myself, i wonder... Is a husband still a husband if he doesn't spend time with his wife and doesn't provide for her or the family? The most superficial would say yes. That so long as the man and woman are joined in marriage, he becomes her husband, no matter what he does or doesn't do for her and the family. The following definition of a husband come closer to what the spirit of the word actually means... husband - the "house-band," connecting and keeping together the whole family. So in this case, if the husband does nothing for the family, then no, he cannot call himself a husband no matter how much he loves his wife.

Thus, if a man wants to marry and become a husband and father his own family, he must first determine if he has the time to spend on that family, the money to support that family and the willingness to expend the effort necessary to keep the family a family in truth (ie. the commitment). If the man finds that, no, he has not one or all of the above, then he should not marry for it will only lead to much heartbreak and pain for everyone involved..

Similarly, a man who wants to commit himself to a relationship such as that but on a smaller scale, eg. BF-GF relationship, he must first question his ability to do so. If he cannot, then how can he rightly call himself a boyfriend by simply saying he loves her, if he doesn't have the time, effort or resources to maintain a relationship in truth and not in name? That would be what i mean when i say that love is sometimes not enough.

Hence, i feel that yy may not be ready for a full-blown relationship. And to be honest, i myself may not be, once school reopens. He is still a boy yet... In his family's eyes especially; and they're not ready to let him go. Weird isn't it?? I'm the girl yet he's the one being restricted. Of course, i agree that his family is more important and that they should feature as a priority on his list. However, that further emphasizes my point that he may not be ready for a relationship due to his inability to commit fully to one.

Those are my thoughts... But how can i bear to let him go? My love... my heart...

The best i can do now is to stay away from him and perhaps we'll die a natural death... then all will be well... and he can find some sweet, fair and pretty girl whom his mom likes better than me and marry her into the family.

Why do i care??

sob... Lord, oh Lord! Help me find Your way......

11:33 PM
{ profile }

Cheryl Kong

SNGPS/RGS/RJC/SMU/UVA

~*dancer*lover*dreamer*~

{ wishlist }

1. Go on exchange
2. Transfer to UVA
3. Visit the SPCA here at c'ville
4. Skydive & Whitewater raft
5. READ THE PAPERS DAILY!

{ links }


{ archives }

date: 04/27/2003 - 05/04/2003
date: 05/04/2003 - 05/11/2003
date: 05/11/2003 - 05/18/2003
date: 05/18/2003 - 05/25/2003
date: 05/25/2003 - 06/01/2003
date: 06/01/2003 - 06/08/2003
date: 06/08/2003 - 06/15/2003
date: 06/15/2003 - 06/22/2003
date: 06/22/2003 - 06/29/2003
date: 06/29/2003 - 07/06/2003
date: 07/06/2003 - 07/13/2003
date: 07/13/2003 - 07/20/2003
date: 07/20/2003 - 07/27/2003
date: 07/27/2003 - 08/03/2003
date: 08/03/2003 - 08/10/2003
date: 08/10/2003 - 08/17/2003
date: 08/17/2003 - 08/24/2003
date: 08/24/2003 - 08/31/2003
date: 08/31/2003 - 09/07/2003
date: 09/07/2003 - 09/14/2003
date: 09/14/2003 - 09/21/2003
date: 09/21/2003 - 09/28/2003
date: 09/28/2003 - 10/05/2003
date: 10/05/2003 - 10/12/2003
date: 10/12/2003 - 10/19/2003
date: 10/19/2003 - 10/26/2003
date: 10/26/2003 - 11/02/2003
date: 11/02/2003 - 11/09/2003
date: 11/09/2003 - 11/16/2003
date: 11/16/2003 - 11/23/2003
date: 12/07/2003 - 12/14/2003
date: 12/14/2003 - 12/21/2003
date: 12/21/2003 - 12/28/2003
date: 12/28/2003 - 01/04/2004
date: 01/04/2004 - 01/11/2004
date: 01/11/2004 - 01/18/2004
date: 01/18/2004 - 01/25/2004
date: 01/25/2004 - 02/01/2004
date: 02/15/2004 - 02/22/2004
date: 02/22/2004 - 02/29/2004
date: 02/29/2004 - 03/07/2004
date: 03/14/2004 - 03/21/2004
date: 03/21/2004 - 03/28/2004
date: 03/28/2004 - 04/04/2004
date: 04/25/2004 - 05/02/2004
date: 07/18/2004 - 07/25/2004
date: 07/25/2004 - 08/01/2004
date: 08/01/2004 - 08/08/2004
date: 08/22/2004 - 08/29/2004
date: 08/29/2004 - 09/05/2004
date: 09/26/2004 - 10/03/2004
date: 11/28/2004 - 12/05/2004
date: 12/05/2004 - 12/12/2004
date: 12/19/2004 - 12/26/2004
date: 01/16/2005 - 01/23/2005
date: 01/30/2005 - 02/06/2005
date: 02/06/2005 - 02/13/2005
date: 02/13/2005 - 02/20/2005
date: 02/20/2005 - 02/27/2005
date: 03/06/2005 - 03/13/2005
date: 03/13/2005 - 03/20/2005
date: 04/17/2005 - 04/24/2005
date: 04/24/2005 - 05/01/2005
date: 05/01/2005 - 05/08/2005
date: 05/08/2005 - 05/15/2005
date: 05/15/2005 - 05/22/2005
date: 05/22/2005 - 05/29/2005
date: 05/29/2005 - 06/05/2005
date: 06/12/2005 - 06/19/2005
date: 06/19/2005 - 06/26/2005
date: 06/26/2005 - 07/03/2005
date: 07/03/2005 - 07/10/2005
date: 07/17/2005 - 07/24/2005
date: 07/24/2005 - 07/31/2005
date: 07/31/2005 - 08/07/2005
date: 08/07/2005 - 08/14/2005
date: 08/14/2005 - 08/21/2005
date: 08/21/2005 - 08/28/2005
date: 09/11/2005 - 09/18/2005
date: 10/02/2005 - 10/09/2005
date: 10/09/2005 - 10/16/2005
date: 11/13/2005 - 11/20/2005
date: 11/27/2005 - 12/04/2005
date: 01/08/2006 - 01/15/2006
date: 03/19/2006 - 03/26/2006
date: 04/02/2006 - 04/09/2006
date: 04/23/2006 - 04/30/2006
date: 04/30/2006 - 05/07/2006
date: 03/18/2007 - 03/25/2007
date: 03/25/2007 - 04/01/2007
date: 04/01/2007 - 04/08/2007
date: 04/08/2007 - 04/15/2007
date: 04/15/2007 - 04/22/2007
date: 04/22/2007 - 04/29/2007
date: 04/29/2007 - 05/06/2007
date: 05/06/2007 - 05/13/2007
date: 08/12/2007 - 08/19/2007
date: 08/19/2007 - 08/26/2007
date: 08/26/2007 - 09/02/2007
date: 09/02/2007 - 09/09/2007
date: 09/09/2007 - 09/16/2007
date: 09/16/2007 - 09/23/2007
date: 10/07/2007 - 10/14/2007
date: 10/14/2007 - 10/21/2007
date: 01/20/2008 - 01/27/2008
date: 01/27/2008 - 02/03/2008
date: 02/03/2008 - 02/10/2008
date: 02/10/2008 - 02/17/2008
date: 02/17/2008 - 02/24/2008
date: 02/24/2008 - 03/02/2008
date: 09/07/2008 - 09/14/2008
date: 12/07/2008 - 12/14/2008

{ tagboard }

fairies are dancing

credits.

Blog/Site: yourname
Layout: yukiKWAN
Image: Hyung-Tae Kim