Saturday, August 09, 2003
HAPPY NATIONAL DAY!!
yeps, today is singapore's 38th birthday. can't say i'm overjoyed but... it wasn't a bad day altogether. not bad actually, a lot of... introspective thought. thanks jp. spent most of the day at pc... slept a total of 2.5hrs last night... unsuprisingly, we never got around to playing mahjong :p by the time i went to sleep though, it was 6am... woke at 8.30 and lazed in bed, den woke ee sang up at 10 when her mum called but refused to believe that it was really ee sang she was talking to. lol...
uncle kok fong took delia away n gave tracy n i a lift to ps. took a cab to big splash fr there :p jp was alone in the office n we talked for almost 2hrs i think... he's wonderful to talk to. really :) feeling rather {honored? not quite the right word} that he took me a little into his confidence. emotional deposition he called it :) supremely trustworthy, glad that i met him... :) listening to him (he was doing most of the talking) rather helped me sort myself out, putting signposts on the numerous branching paths before me you could say he did. rare guy that one, though i hope he too has someone to confide in, someone who will light those expensive LED torchlights that won't go out for 12years, in his way should darkness obscure him. yes. helped him plaster holes in e wall... don't think i did a very good job tho it was fun :P -smile-
spent the day slacking at pc office basically... not a day i feel like talking. mind's a little wound up n tense... didn't get a chance to go borders unfortunately :p it was a nice respite though, n my first time in cheng's comfy hammock :) :) haha, funny guy was trying to roll in it~ lol... he did manage a recovery though ;) *grinz* nice cheng, doesn't get enuff to eat... people prefer to feed his cats... i wonder why~ ;P lol *gRInZ* heehee... made mi believe for half a second tt kh was playing in their team ;p bluff mi... haha.
caifong n ee sang would be happy to noe tt their paddle is now drying at pc office :) i suppose u'll be able to use it come wednesday sang :) haiz... i'm too guai. turned down dinner at yi wen's house with all e pc peeps as well as dinner at cf's house (from which e ndc fireworks are supposedly visible) with his family. yepz, came home to kfc n instant noodles to eat by myself while reading the sequel to 'ill-made mute'... :p hmm, i am possibly the only singaporean who did not at all watch ndc (nary a glimpse) n spent it playing hmm3 on the comp (which i haven't played in ages). yeshhh... genius juz called... gotta call him back i suppose. sighs.
there was something else i wanted to say but forgot. nvm, here's a parting thought...
"happiness is merely the difference between expectation and outcome."
~ maeve, the one-eyed carlin of the bitterbyne sequel
10:51 PM
Friday, August 08, 2003
10.30pm
sianz... stoning at bk... zzz... sighs.
ee sang's sleeping, cf's doodling... wish i were back at e theater with andee n nizam. :( sads. waiting for tracy... i want to go home... want to go online n be alone with my thoughts n watch lord of the rings or something... nothing much.. sad...
i'm gonna die... promos in a month. color me dead :P i'm not ready... don't think i'd ever be. gonna fumble through this pathetic thing i call 'life' forever.
won't it be so easy to just let go?
throw all my cares unto the world?
disperse my worries in the wind and release all my pain in a showering of blessed energy?
so soo easy...
it's too much for me to bear.
my spirit can't take the strain.
Dark have been my dreams of late...
11:46 PM
Thursday, August 07, 2003
people lying hiding evading...
deceiving me...
hurting me.
loneliness assails me
10:50 PM
our distance grows evermore. daily it widens, an infinitesimal crack widening and deepening into an unspannable chasm. onwards and behind, it pushes further, two magnificent plates driven by the underlying currents of the earth. whose fault be it? naught but our own. for in our laxity and sloth, we turned blind eyes to the darkening separation, acutely aware in the fathoms of our being of the irreparable fracture within the earth's core but stubbornly, aye sullenly, refusing to set eyes upon it; as if in our oblivion, a seelie creature shouldst descend from our questing gaze and pull the two together again.
what absurbity! what follery! that the gap should be closed by other than our'n selves! we, who in our ornery negligence, allowed the seemingly insignificant but relentlessly expanding crevasse to pass unheeded in our eyes, ignored, save for the surging, torrid stink emanating in a dark, suffocating cloud from the sky-deep chasm, wafting inexorably towards us and beating upon our backs.
Hearken! for the sake of this closeness, the lack of care hounds us cunningly from our perch; the lack of effort in holding our path. unwittingly, we disregard the lengthening hairsbreath of a splinter, scornfully disdaining to acknowledge it, like a Prince ignoring the pitiful beggar on his way, gliding in majestic loftiness till the slighted beggar wouldst turn and slash at the feet of the mighty. now this Prince, draped in a velvet cloak of hauteur and vanity, dismisses the vengeful beggar, dismisses the bleeding of his heels and the ugly following gathered by the beggar in his heroic ardor of maligning the mighty.
All this, in a vain, impeccably obtuse attempt to present a picture of beauty and eldritch detachment. say you that we ne're practised this? fool and twice cursed! for this portrait of aloofness hath been painted by the indifference of our'n lives. Marke! oh but mark not... for i bear no purpose in the writing of this but to grieve for what is lost.
8:06 PM
WOOHOO!!! :D :D :D today was GREAT! haha!! *gRInZ*
very good day... firstly, it's wednesday = short day!! ;) secondly, i had a dental appt for 11am!! :D that means i miss math n pc! :D :D *bEeG gRInZ* :D :D yeah, so basically, i juz went to school for an hour of gp n lit lecture, which i spent writing to ee sang ;) lol... n i gotta go back again on fri which means i'll miss ndc in school~ haha, dunno if that's good or bad... it's quite a waste of time right? :P
aft dental (finished quite fast actually! n it was RELATIVELY painless... lol.), still had enuff time to come back home n check mail etc... :) oh yeah, then cheng was dem funny!! haha! called to talk (i missed the call) den said he was going to suntec to buy something n asked if i wanted to go along... okay, that was suprising but not particularly funny... the amusing bit came in when he was like so anxious that i would take it wrongly (HAHAHAHAHA!) and was trying to explain when i knew perfectly well what he was talking about! LOL. come on lah! *grrinnnzzzzz...* haha, no offense cheng, but this is a PLATONIC friendship yeah? :)
mummy delivered mi to east coast so i reached there around 2.40... cheng was still in suntec so e office was locked :P so nice l'il me, who was so full of energy, decided to set up e goalposts first! (hmm, or it could haf been tt i was trying to avoid the geog tt i brought to study) ;P hehz... the lifeguard was rather helpful, i think he's bored though.. i would be too! staring at a tiny slide n blowing a disgusting whistle in the sweltering heat all day long... ;P haha, n he thought yao sheng was my bf! (coz i was there w him yesterday) so amusing too... lol ;) after setting up both goal posts, i was still desperately trying to abstain from studying so i happily decided to take out boats for everyone! *beams nuttily* yep! i took out nine boats, den decided they looked really lonely, so i set out the paddles, lifevests n spray decks to accompany them~ ;) haha!! crazy...
oh yeah, in the midst of my setting up everything, this guy walked in, tried the office door (which was locked) den looked rather lost so i helpfully told him tt cheng was out at e moment but would b back later :) he asked for alvin so i thot he was some hwa chong communist but it turned out he's an old rafflesian!! :D *jolly smile* yep, he's a j5 (4yrs older den mi), studies econs at UCL (in uk which is e same school jade is in) n plays canoepolo there ;D man! i never knew UCL had canoepolo!!!! jade didn't tell mi! =P so fun...! apparently, he had gone back to rj for a visit, den mr low told him tt we (ssc) train canoepolo on wed n sat at big splash, so mr low gave him alvin's contact (how come alvin n not andee?????) n he came down! :D *grinz* he's pretty good, but i don't think he actually trains competatively... nice tan though ;) hehehehehehe~ LOL.
and then, there was training...!! which was fantastic...!!!!!! :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D EVERYONE came down!! andee, alvin, abiel, benjamin, lin ming, chery l, yee yen, ee sang, tracy, theresa, myself............... *BEEG GRINZ* =D admittedly, we slacked somewhat which sprinting n dribbling (didn't push ourselves hard) but it was sooo FUN!!!!!!!! and we played a game after that, which was sooooo MUCH BETTER than the one we had last week during which everyone got so pissed off :P haha! i was on e same team as ben, chl, andee n zun/jun zhi/wei (embrassingly, i can't remember his name :P e j5 guy i mean... *blush*) and we held our own :) :) tracy, theresa n ee sang weren't playing, which leaves e rest plus gavin in the other team ;P quite sad after whathisname left though :P we over-committed somewhat, esp mi, as goal keeper... i think abiel fast-breaked at least twice! whoops ;P haha, sorry!!
and after training, we packed up quite efficiently and went for dinner! :D i couldn't join them coz maee, godma they all plus aunty kim lee were waiting for me at home :P sads, but andee's blog has more details =) it was the largest turnout in the looongggggest time~ possibly ever!! :D *gRinZ gRinZ* andee, abiel, alvin, cheryl l, ee sang, yee yen, benja n tracy :) :) :) EIGHt! :D :D *happy happy happy*...! things are definitely looking up :D *looks up* ;) lol.. it really felt just like old times, walking to parkway... singing silly songs... :D *loves sea sports club* :) :)
another thing i wanted to mention was jason tux :P he's quite funny... smsed mi asking if i my room was painted royal blue n goodness knows what other colours, n if it was on e third floor of my house... apparently, he dreamt tt he was running around in my house, went to my room n jumped out of the window!!!!!!! *extremely startled expression* lol... my mum was like: tell him to stay out of ur room n don't go jumping out windows!! haha! coz i showed her the msg... it's really quite funny.. felt so amused =P it became stranger later on, when he told mi he was like e best male fencer in rj or something.. ???? .. quite off.. i don't think he meant to brag though.. or mebbe he did? haha, he told mi he liked wine... carbenet sauvignon with roast beef to be exact! den i told him le grange was better!!! lol! my parents were rather tickled by that ;) hahaha, i suppose the most comical part was when he told mi 'i like you' in french... je t'aime....... i don't think he realised i understood french...............! hahahahahaha *cracks up* lol!! just in case u din realise, i'm not laughing at him, i'm laughing at e situation.. :P besides, everything just seems so laughable today :D *gRInZ* happy happy... n i didn't eat any waffle crisp so you can't blame it on a sugar high!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! =D LOL!!! *smile smile laugh laugh beam beam poke poke*
yepz! time to study now!! got geog test tmr... acutally, i'm rather sleepy! *nods off* heez... study!!!!!! *uses fingers to prop eyes open* lol.. and i got a REAL LIFE PIC of kenta hoya from theresa!!!!!!!!!! *loves therie to bits!* thank you thank you thank you :D :D :D :D :D :D *smiles deliriously*
Never knew I could feel like this
Like I've never seen the sky before
I want to vanish inside your kiss
Every day i'm loving you more than this
Listen to my heart, can you hear it sings
Telling me to give you everything
Seasons may change, winter to spring
But I love you until the end of time
Come what may x2
I will love you until my dying day
Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place
Suddenly it moves with such a perfect grace
Suddenly my life doesn't seem such a waste
It all revolves around you
And there's no mountain too high
No river too wide
Sing out this song I'll be there by your side
Storm clouds may gather
And stars may collide
But I love you until the end of time
Come What May - Moulin Rouge
12:31 AM
Tuesday, August 05, 2003
Haha, don't know why i'm blogging actually... I have nothing in particular to say :P except....
TODAY WAS A HAPPY DAY!!!
*gRInZ*!! yes, today was a happy day... :D heehee, don't know why really... dreamt tt the world was over-run by vampires last nite n dhruv was abt to be 'sacrificed' before i woke up :P lol... maybe i was so relieved when i woke to find it merely a figment of my imagination that it left me with this lingering feeling of well-being and happiness the rest of the day? haha, dunno... :) :)
hmm... i think daniel is a very nice guy -sMilEz- (not talking abt my class daniel here, not tt u're not nice danny boy ;p) heehee, lol.. and nizam is blogging again~ *waves at nizam* andee! blog!! :D *gRInZ* oh yesh, n my parents r not going to be around this weekend!!!!!!! *hops merrily around the room* ppparrrrrrtyyyyyyyyyyyyy time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D :D :D :D hahahahaha! ehum.. b4 u get the wrong idea, i am really very guai n by 'party', i mean being able to stay as late as i want in pc!! n go ice skating n all.... ;) heehee.
what a wonderful feeling of bliss! it feels so happy to be happy!!! *gRInZ* (does tt make sense??? ;P) like a long lost friend has returned! :D oh yeah, maybe it's coz li called last nite so i managed to talk to her :D -smile smile-
light-heartedness, laughter and merriment! such words so foreign to my blog!! ;P lol... i'll try to make them more frequent from now on~!! :D *beEg cHeeRfuL sMiLe*
HAVE A NICE DAY ALL OF YOU! AND GOD BLESS!!!!!!!!!! :D
11:57 PM
Monday, August 04, 2003
nightmares again...
feeling dizzy... lightheaded... need sleep.
12:23 PM
Sunday, August 03, 2003
there are so many people i'm worried about! so many things chafing my mind that i can't think straight!
1) sea sports club: what's happening to us? what's happened to all that togetherness and bonding we shared that i was so proud of?? so many people not turning up for training, leaving before training's over... we have become so turned in, so focused on training up our own skills that we neglect our team-mates, paddling within our own little world. i hope we won't turn out like sp... now our game-playing sucks... we don't cooperate, don't listen each other nor communicate... all we do is rush in and try to score :( :( :(
canoepolo competitions... instead of getting better, our trainings have become progressively worse! maybe physically it has been tougher, but the spirit is not there! and spirit, in my opinion, is the most important factor of all!! WE CAN DO IT!!!!!!!!!
2) cheng: he's been sick lately... and stressed.. beleagured on all sides it seems. and i'm so sorry we added to his agonizing burden. how can i help...? please be okay...!! :'(
3) jun ping & dao jia: they've been stressed too... i suppose i can't begin imagine the massive pressure he's under in training for his expedition to myanmar, not to mention coping with pc business on top of it. And dj, the youngest of the three, able to maintain his ever-cheerful appearance but for the strain within glinting occasionally from his eyes.
4) ee sang: everything. her. our friendship. her well-being. her stress.. coping or hiding?
5) cheryl lim: what's wrong what's wrong what's wrong...?????????????? is it ssc for her too??? the wall around her is built so high we can't touch her, the moat so deep there seems no way to cross... she just stood there yesterday, her hands clasped together and head bowed, her posture a painting of frustration and bleakness. i want to reach out but i know not how!
6) li and cf: both of whom i haven't heard from for sometime... i worry bcoz i don't know what's happening to them :(
the list goes on... but these are the foremost on my mind. i want them to be okay!!!!! i want EVERYTHING to be okay!!!
Lord, carry us through these trials and tribulations, holds us in your arms and comfort us, Father. Lift the anxiety and oppression in our hearts and bring us peace Lord God... Bring us together in Your healing love.... Amen..
pain. anguish. distress.
somebody asked if my blog has become more 'censored' after people started reading it... the answer is yes.
i don't write down my innermost thoughts anymore... feelings yes/maybe. thoughts no.
i used to use this as a kind of 'sounding board' to help me sort out what's troubling me... can't do it no more i suppose :P
maybe i should get another blog just for that...
but that'll be stupid coz i won't write in here anymore.. sighs. nevermind :p
10:30 PM
so TIRED..!!!
I realised the last time i actually blog BLOGGED was nearly four days ago (discounting yesterday's one-liner) and even that was not much of a blog except for the nice pics i put in... :p which would make my last official blog entry on wednesday, five days ago. sighhhh..................
everything seems to be piling up on me right now. that everything being the slavering beast of schoolwork that has been pursuing me relentlessly since the year began, bent upon devouring me. sigh... and i'm finally tired of running, tired of constantly looking over my shoulder and throwing the occasional rock at it, tired of its fetid breath upon my back.... so in turning to face it, i have begun the ever-imminent battle... and i am losing.
of course, my weary, human body could never have run from it forever, but the duel tires me. *sigh* it badgers me constantly, harrasing and haranguing me, allowing me no time for rest... no time to catch my breath nor regain my sadly depleted strength. 'Sleep' has become a foreign word.. a gossamer butterfly, etheral and indistinct, flitting forever a hair's breath out of reach.. like dreams in the morning dew vaporising with the first gentle touch of the sun, ever lost to my futile grasp.
nightmares plague the dismal pool of fitful dozing i fall into, dragging me into a dark world of "what ifs" that lurk in opressive prisons in my mind... 'Sleep'... that which i fear so desperately for dredging up the squalid phantasms in my soul and making them real... but need so much for the greater fear of its eternal brother.
i have hereby rambled enough.
on to other things... which would be what i wrote down on friday (1 Aug):
2pm
i had strange dreams last night.
strange, possibly because it wasn't an actual nightmare, more like manifestations of things i strongly wish would happen that has been irking me for some time now.
i dreamt that i was walking along the school corridor and i saw this guy standing in front of the ssc board. walking past, i caught a glimpse of the board n realised it had been mysteriously updated! turning to look, my dream shifted. I dreamt that PW had been cancelled... sigh, if only~!... haha, unfortunately, i had no lingering feelings of ecstatic euphoria, which meant i was too damnably down-to-earth to have believed, even for a twinkling in my dreams, that PW would EVER be cancelled.. :P *sads* hmm, somehow i received the impression that tt guy standing before the ssc board was e mysterious benefactor who updated it. he had the air of someone admiring his own handiwork... maybe? :)
11.50pm
I have a David-type personality. [refer to cps inter-fac drama feste]
Hiding beneath layers upon layers, i play an unending game of charades, never knowing what my next role will be, heedless of whose character would mask my being... And my 'true' self is so buried in a grave of lies and deception that i, myself have gotten lost in my "murky depth" ;P
And i wait for someone to understand, to give me that ball of thread that would lead me out of the labyrinth of mine own making...
pretending to be someone i'm not,
looking out of the facade that others perceive me to be,
withering in the loneliness within,
waiting for someone to take my hand.
tell me who i am....
For i see the flaws within and am appalled by the blackness, bleakness... Running from myself, I hide in the image of all i'm not, a weak imitation of who/what i want to be. losing grip.
who am i?
Won't you like to know? i would too... Maybe all the above is just me hiding, deluding, misleading myself again... for what complex maze lies within that makes me wander so..?? for i could be all that of my seeming being: a shallow, meaningless, aimless, slacking biAtch, an unwelcome presence that leeches the essense of vitality from others, stealing it in selfish greed to conceal my own lassitude and lifelessness.
i don't know...
9:59 PM