Saturday, April 21, 2007
I haven't blogged for many days! many many days! and in these days, i read 2 novels, spent 2 nights with yix and did NO studying at all!! ha...
HE SAID "I LOVE YOU" TODAY!!!!!!!!!!! *happy* happyhappyhappyhappyhappyhappy!! :D :D :D i can't believe it... i really really can't. I thought i heard wrong! We were lying in my bed just now, he was on top of me and kissing my face when he said that very softly. Stunned, I asked him to say it again, then he was like, "don't want... cannot say too often or it'd get overused." and i was so happy i wrapped both my arms and my legs around him and nuzzled into his neck and he just hugged me back -melting smile-
we had a good afternoon together apart from it being the first day of my period (which means horrible cramps, cold sweat and intense pain). We went to watch Clara's choir concert at a church (the choir is called the 'Virginia Women's Chorus') and it was REALLY REALLY GOOD! It was possibly the best choir concert i've been to. The first song they sang, Russian something, was my favorite. The choir divided itself into 3 and stood at the back and the two sides of the church so it was surround sound, and their voices were so clear and ethereal that it completely lifted my mind away from the pain i was feeling. Really beautiful :)
After the concert, the 3 of us, yix, clara & myself, went for lunch/tea. Clara's a fun girl and we get along alright. The only thing preventing us from becoming really good friends is that she puts her friendship with yix first. eg. the other time i asked her how was the party that she, yix and gm went to, and she asked what did yix tell me and won't say anything else. Its hard to talk to someone like that... :p also. Yix made yet another boo-boo towards the end of the meal, saying clara's name instead of mine, AGAIN *kicks him* i wasn't really angry, just a little bit, but he thought i was really angry so he tried to be extra sweet. haha. He walked me back to the IRC and we lay outside on the grass together because the sun finally decided to show itself and cast some warmth on charlottesville. We lay there and we talked... He said he was a little worried that one day, you yi would grow up and finally become a man and i would go back to him. Unfortunately I couldn't really say anything reassuring about that... And he said he planned to ask me to be his girlfriend in august because he would be in tibet and nepal in july/early aug and it didn't make sense for him to ask me before that then leave me pining for one and a half months. I told him he better try to contact me while he's there :p
I think we lay there for more than an hour... Then he walked me back to my room and, loath to let him leave, I asked him to lie with me in bed for a little while, so he did. And we talked some more and made out (GRIN) and by the time he finally left, it was 9pm!! Time flies when we're together... (wooo it's 11.45pm and he's back again! grin!! he came to study with me because i didn't go out because of my cramps. SMILE.)
Ok i don't want to recount the last few days anymore... haha. The only other thing of note was a talk about Darfur. And mummy & papa's condo at Elmira Heights being sold en bloc so they now can afford to send me here if i get in :P God is so awesome! :) :) Thank You Lord... My future is in Your hands. Please work on Yi-xian too... Thank You.
8:15 AM
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
I'm reading again, after the past few months of privation. Not a good time to start as exams are on the way, but I could find nothing else to do to engage my attention without the use of my handphone.
I spent the day at home... Sleeping, reading, studying, eating. Trying to recuperate from the cold I came down with running around soaking wet in sub 10 degree weather on sunday. Tomorrow I shall go to ben & jerry's free cone day first thing in the morning & grab a cone to accompany me to the asian market!
Something crazy happened today... There was a mass shooting at Virginia Tech, UVa's sister school and sometimes nemesis. 33 dead and a lot more injured... The worse school shooting in US history! The gunman was apparently an asian male & he shot himself as well. No one knows why the heck he did it.
Well there's gonna be a vigil tmr night at the amphitheater... Yix and I will be going together, along with most of the school i suspect.
I am going to spend tonight shopping, since i don't feel like doing anything else!! Hah. There goes my money :P
11:54 AM
Monday, April 16, 2007
2007-04-16
Cheryl Kong: 00:53:50i don't know if you're online, but if you are, msn is not letting me message
Cheryl Kong: 00:54:10so. yeah.
Cheryl Kong: 00:54:17sorry for not replying.
You Yi: 02:28:45it's ok..i wasnt looking for a reply because i know what it is
Cheryl Kong: 02:29:10what is it/
You Yi: 02:31:57you'll ask me totry to forget you coz nothing's going to happen anytime soon
Cheryl Kong: 02:32:22yup
You Yi: 02:33:09may i just sing heaven knows to you?
You Yi: 02:33:26it's important to me
You Yi: 02:33:34and i mean every word of it
Cheryl Kong: 02:36:57NO
Cheryl Kong: 02:37:01i already know that song
Cheryl Kong: 02:37:39and i'm not going to encourage you by letting you sing it
Cheryl Kong: 02:37:42to me
You Yi: 02:38:17it says about letting you go and leaving it to heaven's will
Cheryl Kong: 02:38:25i'm being firm, and that may be hurting you now, but i'm just trying to help you get over me ok?
Cheryl Kong: 02:38:27yes i know
Cheryl Kong: 02:38:54i'm going to sleep now
Cheryl Kong: 02:38:59i'm not feeling well
Cheryl Kong: 02:39:02good night.
You Yi: 02:39:03!!!!!
Cheryl Kong: 02:39:10?
You Yi: 02:39:11the water..
Cheryl Kong: 02:39:15huh
Cheryl Kong: 02:39:18water?
You Yi: 02:39:28got soaked today so falling ill?
Cheryl Kong: 02:39:46sigh!
Cheryl Kong: 02:39:48good night.
You Yi: 02:40:00cheryl. i love you, and i believe what we have/had can last forever
You Yi: 02:40:10good night
You Yi: 02:40:14sweet dreams
You Yi: 02:40:18please read the lyrics
You Yi: 02:40:21and know i mean it
Cheryl Kong: 02:40:24YOU HAVE TO GET RID OF THAT MINDSET NOW
You Yi: 02:40:24byebye
Cheryl Kong: 02:40:28please!!
Cheryl Kong: 02:40:40you're just causing more pain for your self!
Cheryl Kong: 02:41:17seriously!
You Yi: 02:41:29yeah, i know
Cheryl Kong: 02:41:33if i have to cut myself off from your life completely before you can get over me, i will!
You Yi: 02:41:44..............
Cheryl Kong: 02:41:51for your sake
You Yi: 02:41:58that sounds noble
Cheryl Kong: 02:41:59because i still care for you as a friend
You Yi: 02:42:01......
Cheryl Kong: 02:42:03and i don't want you to hurt
Cheryl Kong: 02:42:11hello.
You Yi: 02:42:21i know
Cheryl Kong: 02:42:22either way, i'm the bitch right?
You Yi: 02:42:26no!
Cheryl Kong: 02:42:29if i try to friend you, i'm hurting you
Cheryl Kong: 02:42:38if i cut you off, i'm still hurting you!
You Yi: 02:42:50wrong
Cheryl Kong: 02:42:56so take your pick before i choose for you
You Yi: 02:43:39sigh
Cheryl Kong: 02:43:39you may not see it that way but other people do
Cheryl Kong: 02:43:50i lose either way
You Yi: 02:43:53i'm hurting myself
Cheryl Kong: 02:44:09u're making it worse for yourself, yes.
Cheryl Kong: 02:44:15but i know its hard
Cheryl Kong: 02:44:23and i've been trying to give you time!
Cheryl Kong: 02:44:28its been a month
You Yi: 02:44:32you always are so concerned about what people think of you
You Yi: 02:44:46and a month can get rid of the emotions i've have for you for 2 years?
Cheryl Kong: 02:44:551 and a half
You Yi: 02:45:011 and a half?
Cheryl Kong: 02:45:03years
You Yi: 02:45:14i'm sorry, i dont know how you can do it
You Yi: 02:45:21i'm serious i just dont
You Yi: 02:46:221 month and you can stop feeling the emotions of 1 and a half years, i cant!
Cheryl Kong: 02:47:02i know its hard!
Cheryl Kong: 02:47:23but even if you can't stop feeling inside, at least have some measure of control about how it comes out!!
You Yi: 02:47:44i am trying,
You Yi: 02:48:29i am semi successful in just trying to be your friend and not care about anything else
You Yi: 02:48:52i dont even know how far and i'm not going to ask how your relationship with him is coming along
You Yi: 02:48:57and i'm not caring about that
Cheryl Kong: 02:49:02........
Cheryl Kong: 02:49:25you know, i think being friends is worse for you
Cheryl Kong: 02:49:38i think i should just step out and let you get on with your life
You Yi: 02:49:43do you deny you're getting closer to him?
You Yi: 02:49:56that he's someone you're thinking about considering?
Cheryl Kong: 02:49:59no, i never have
Cheryl Kong: 02:50:14so?
Cheryl Kong: 02:50:25its none of your BUSINESS now!
You Yi: 02:50:37so, you allowed yourself to open your heart and he just slipped right in
You Yi: 02:50:40i know that
You Yi: 02:50:51you have some one to care for you the way you want to be cared for
You Yi: 02:51:01and help ease the transition
Cheryl Kong: 02:51:03MY HEART WAS NOT OPEN BUT IN A VULNERABLE STATE
Cheryl Kong: 02:51:06STOP ASSUMING THINGS
Cheryl Kong: 02:51:22HE IS NOT A REBOUND
You Yi: 02:51:29open and vulnerable is about the same
You Yi: 02:51:34i'm not saying he is
You Yi: 02:51:42i'm saying he's a great guy
Cheryl Kong: 02:51:46it is not "about the same"
Cheryl Kong: 02:51:51words have meanings!
You Yi: 02:51:52and it was good for both you and him
You Yi: 02:52:31that at the time you were not feeling loved
Cheryl Kong: 02:52:40no.
Cheryl Kong: 02:52:41again.
Cheryl Kong: 02:52:57you are trying to find other reasons
You Yi: 02:53:00no
You Yi: 02:53:04i drove you away
Cheryl Kong: 02:53:09i was not not feeling loved
You Yi: 02:53:09thats the truth plain and simple
Cheryl Kong: 02:53:17i was feeling SQUASHED
You Yi: 02:53:27yes
Cheryl Kong: 02:53:46everything you said above is just FALSE FALSE FALSE
Cheryl Kong: 02:53:55CAN YOU NOT GET IT!
Cheryl Kong: 02:54:00HE HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT
You Yi: 02:54:05i know!!!!
Cheryl Kong: 02:54:16THEN WHY DO YOU KEEP DRAGGING HIM INTO THIS?!?!?!?
You Yi: 02:54:16I drove you away!
You Yi: 02:54:24i'm not saying it's BECAUSE of him
You Yi: 02:54:26!
You Yi: 02:54:34never did
Cheryl Kong: 02:54:39but?
You Yi: 02:54:46no buts
You Yi: 02:54:50he had nothing to do with it
You Yi: 02:54:58this matter is between the two of us
Cheryl Kong: 02:55:06then why do you keep dragging him in?!?!?!?
Cheryl Kong: 02:55:18you didn't ans my question!
You Yi: 02:55:25because he's the one who captured your heart when you were vulnerable
Cheryl Kong: 02:55:35!(@$%(&%(
You Yi: 02:55:39i admit to one thing
Cheryl Kong: 02:55:41HE HAS NOT CAPTURED MY HEART
Cheryl Kong: 02:55:55CAN YOU STOP SPOUTING FALSITIES THAT YOU IMAGINE TO BE TRUE?!?!?
Cheryl Kong: 02:56:04you have NO idea what's going on
Cheryl Kong: 02:56:09so STOP thinking that you do!!
You Yi: 02:56:27you are emotionally attracted to him and you consider getting together with him
You Yi: 02:56:32?
You Yi: 02:56:38thats what i gatter from what you said
You Yi: 02:56:57okkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
Cheryl Kong: 02:56:58AGAIN, i go back to my earlier question
You Yi: 02:57:00stop
Cheryl Kong: 02:57:07WHAT has he to do with our break up?!
You Yi: 02:57:11nothing
Cheryl Kong: 02:57:15WHY are you always saying stuff?
You Yi: 02:57:21we broke up because of our problems
You Yi: 02:57:25but
You Yi: 02:57:29i cant help thinking
Cheryl Kong: 02:57:30BUT?!
You Yi: 02:57:55that without him, maybe i had a better chance of getting you back
You Yi: 02:58:12false probably
Cheryl Kong: 02:58:14:|
You Yi: 02:58:22look.
You Yi: 02:58:27i'm sorry
You Yi: 02:58:39i didnt mean for this to turn out this way
Cheryl Kong: 02:58:46.......................
Cheryl Kong: 02:58:56we should go our own seperate ways
You Yi: 02:58:58i wanted to care for you
Cheryl Kong: 02:59:03I TOLD YOU NOT TO
You Yi: 02:59:09i wanted to hold true to my promise to you before
Cheryl Kong: 02:59:10you want you want you want!
You Yi: 02:59:30it's for you..
You Yi: 03:00:01yes, it is what i want
You Yi: 03:00:11i devoted myself to you
You Yi: 03:00:18sweet, but not something that you wanted
Cheryl Kong: 03:00:33i want a MAN
Cheryl Kong: 03:00:34not a SHADOW
You Yi: 03:00:40yes
Cheryl Kong: 03:00:48ok stop this
You Yi: 03:00:50you do
You Yi: 03:00:54yes
Cheryl Kong: 03:00:57stop it
You Yi: 03:01:12i apologise to you for doing something that i tld you i wouldnt
Cheryl Kong: 03:01:18we should go our seperate ways
You Yi: 03:02:33nah
Cheryl Kong: 03:02:47nah?
Cheryl Kong: 03:02:50wth is nah?!
You Yi: 03:03:08....
Cheryl Kong: 03:03:13nah you want to continue torturing yourself?
Cheryl Kong: 03:03:24well i'm sorry, but i don't want to be the instrument of your torture
You Yi: 03:03:28no
Cheryl Kong: 03:03:39so go torture yourself with someone else
You Yi: 03:03:45blinkblink
You Yi: 03:04:21no, i'm not planning on torturing myself
At this point, i blocked him. From both msn and skype. I'm so fed up. I was trying so hard not to swear. I'm done with him. I'm done.
3:07 PM
ALRIGHT!! here's the vid of my dance :) :) i love performing on stage... hehe.
10:07 AM
.: ck :. says (5:33 PM):
omg... yix just fully committed himself to me
.: ck :. says (5:34 PM):
his suitemates asked him if we were together
.: ck :. says (5:34 PM):
and he said he's fallen for me hook, line & sinker
.: ck :. says (5:35 PM):
and that he's off the market
.: ck :. says (5:35 PM):
because he thinks i'm wife material
.: ck :. says (5:35 PM):
and he's ready to settle down
.: ck :. says (5:35 PM):
BUT I'M NOT
.: ck :. says (5:36 PM):
argh
.: ck :. says (5:36 PM):
we have a lot of issues between us that i haven't talked about because i just don't want to bring them up and spoil everything
.: ck :. says (5:36 PM):
but that makes it poisonous on my part
.: ck :. says (5:37 PM):
i don't know/think he's the one
.: ck :. says (5:37 PM):
with you yi, i was so certain, but it didn't happen
.: ck :. says (5:37 PM):
so now i don't know what to think
.: ck :. says (5:37 PM):
i'm scared
.: ck :. says (5:38 PM):
i don't want to open my heart again coz i know i'd get hurt... with him a lot more than with you yi, and that was bad enough
.: ck :. says (5:39 PM):
that is why i'm scared to commit
.: ck :. says (5:39 PM):
i'm really really scared babe
.: ck :. says (5:40 PM):
he said we're like a house, and he's in one room doing his own thing and i'm in another doing my own thing, but he wants to come over and hug me and do his things with me
.: ck :. says (5:40 PM):
he said he's resigned to the fact that he wants me
.: ck :. says (5:41 PM):
so he said that he's gonna have to get used to me being right there behind me when he does his guy stuff
.: ck :. says (5:42 PM):
sigh... i feel horrible
.: ck :. says (5:42 PM):
i'm gonna cook dinner now and get it out of my system
.: ck :. says (5:43 PM):
laterz
Yup... Today was a pretty eventful day, starting from when i was angry past midnight, to falling asleep around 5+ am because i was trying not to sleep so as to make it to church at 8am in the morning without an alarm clock, to waking up at noon and going for thai (TSO) waterfest just to get free food for lunch, to becoming Ms. Waterfest (with Robin as Mr Waterfest!!), to going barracks in the afternoon in order to avoid yixian, to him appearing at my door later anyway and us having a brief but extremely meaningful conversation, to cooking dinner with cecil (and eating francois's DELICIOUS chocolate cake and apple crumble in the process - he promised to give me the recipe and teach me how to make crepes!! grin), to having a nice dinner with cecil, gm (gm said i better come to UVA next sem! i take that as high praise) & the other 4 smu ppl (menu was bak kut teh, stir fried bak choy, lap chiong egg, sweet&sour pork and blueberry icecream crepes for dessert), to running around with the smu ppl + gm trying to find a tv to watch the Incredibles on...
I gave up on that and am sitting sleepily on my bed now, attempting not to fall asleep!!
Oh yeah and i checked my laptop and you yi msged me:
Aziraphale says (6:48 PM):
hey cheryl..
Aziraphale says (6:50 PM):
dear, i love you still and frankly i still want to make a life with you.
Aziraphale says (6:52 PM):
havent really talked to you what seems like a long time... i miss you..
Aziraphale says (6:55 PM):
i know i'm not being "just a friend" so i'm sorry
Aziraphale says (6:59 PM):
i want to make our life together.. that hasnt changed...alright, so i'm waiting for you.. i'm not asking.. just waiting and praying and hoping.
Aziraphale says (6:59 PM):
bye
Mmm...... i don't know what to say... You yi and i fell for each other hard and fast. our passion ran high and our love was intense. But that is the past now... Yi-xian takes his time (emotionally at least... physically, i looovveee his kisses! I swear we can kiss for half an hour non-stop!!) but now he says he's ready to be committed. And you yi still wants to "make a life with me".
But i'm quite happy being 'single' right now :p yeah... lots of friends and no strings... hah. I wanna dance some more!! i miss partying! So i'm gonna try and hold it off as long as possible until i'm ready, & until my school for next sem is decided... in the meantime, no holds barred! ;)
5:42 AM
Sunday, April 15, 2007
ng yi-xian:
Much as i like you and enjoy your company, i think we should stop this soon or end up killing each other one day.
Right now i am angry, so i'm not going to be dumb and hasty in saying this to him now, but i'd definitely think about it. HARD. And not be swayed by soft, silly things like emotions. Head over heart. HEAD over heart.
3:46 PM
stupid stupid stubborn boy!!! argh.
Things i hate people to do:
1. say something halfway then refuse to tell me
2. go back on their word (this is the main reason that destroys my trust)
3. not listen when i'm being serious --> this gets me exasperated to the point of being pissed off like now.
*GROWL*
he made 2 slips today... first was almost calling me clara instead of cheryl and second was saying our names were similar what. both start with C, have an L in there somewhere and has a few vowels *oops!* and though he said he was kidding and that he won't have if he'd knew i'd take it so seriously (wtf?!) they were both obviously Freudian slips.
He was being extremely sweet and everything the rest of the day, but... a woman forgives, never forgets.
3:19 PM