Saturday, September 01, 2007
FINALLY! INTERNET IS UP!!! I kept wanting to blog this past week, about how my dad is adorable, but hard to live with (seriously, he farts a lot :S), about class, my apartment, about yix and about myself...
Well. Lets stat with my apartment. I love my room! Its wonderfully comfortable, private and great for studying (when i do study that is). And my roommate's this really sweet & pretty Korean girl who's easy to live with. The only drawback is the poor reception in the rooms, which sucks for someone who likes to be on the phone as much as I do :P for the past 2 weeks, internet (or lack thereof) was making me really annoyed, but I'm glad its up now.
Next, classes! They were really intense, but I guess i'm lucky in the sense that i've experienced a similar environment in SMU for most of the past 2 years :P This is worse though. Coz i KNOW everyone is highly capable. Where I was above average at SMU, I'm prb below average here at the Comm school. I really need to fight hard and work harder to do well!! Every little bit counts... Luckily the project group I have seems nice :) more importantly, they're mostly as high-achieving as myself, so at least we're headed in the right direction at similar speeds.
Those were the easy things to talk about. Now I shall write a bit about myself and yix. I know I still love him, because I can't bear the thought of not seeing him. Yet, that love is (for lack of a better word) segmented from the rest of me. I don't love him whole-heartedly... Rather its like I can't help loving him hence I've unconsciously placed barriers upon it to minimize my need for him and vulnerability. And this is because I know I can't afford to lean/depend on him (if I let go and try to do so now, I will crash and I know it. Its not like i haven't tried, but things like this take time i guess). And underlying this is a deeper uncertainty about whether we'd work out for a lifetime. I know its silly to want such a long term relationship, but I did tell myself to at least try to make my next boyfriend my last.
There are a number of pretty serious reasons for why I'm uncertain. Definitely first is the issue of religion. The head of my family HAS to be a strong Christian to lead the family in God's love. So, its not that yix isn't Christian now, its that he's not even interested or receptive, which makes the probability that he will become Christian in the future rather low. And I've all but given up hope in this aspect :( Of course, it is not by my power but my God's that yix shall come to know Him. So faith in God to call yix to Him if he is to be the one is all that I'm holding on to right now.
Second, is how we're different from each other. I really do want a guai boy. Yix's cheekiness is certainly funny at times, but I find it shallow and hurtful most of the time. Coupled with that is his propensity to party. Sure, I like to party too, but I don't drink a lot / smoke / hook up. The temptation is there, but its just not me to do it, while it is him. Yes he's basically a good and can be a trustworthy person with important things, but that's not enough for me. Then there's how he doesn't include me in his life. Too often I find out things the same time as everybody as does, in general conversation. I hate being kept in the dark yet he constantly keeps me so.
My heart aches when he does the little things like move closer to me at night, putting his arms around me and saying he loves me in that matter-of-fact tone. The way he smiles and kisses my forehead. The way he covers my eyes with one hand when I'm leaning on his shoulder and stroking my hair with his other hand.
But am I simply another one of your conquests? One of those girls you chat with then dance with in the club to pick up. I must say that that sounds strikingly familiar... I got really pissed off the night my dad wanted to have dinner with you and you only agreed after I said he was treating. I was being civil for my dad's sake only. There are also other things that hurt me without you knowing it. Like when I called you to ask what you were going to do that night and you say you're going to a party near my place with gm. Sure you asked me if i want to go after that, its just being polite. But if i hadn't called you, hadn't asked what you were doing, you won't have thought to include me and that hurts. Maybe I'm just being overly sensitive. In primary school, I used to be excluded a lot. It hurt then and it still hurts now... If i'm going to be alone, leave me alone and I'll cope. Don't dangle me along and make me hope. I can take sharp pain (my operation and pulling out a quarter of my teeth at one shot was *almost* fine). But slow torture breaks me down (that's why i fear pregnancy, not giving birth).
Sigh... I've said more than I wanted to say.
My watch stopped. Like a physical extension of my complete realization that I don't love you yi romantically anymore. It was on my mind today because he'd be coming this weekend to pass me stuff... Yix said he has to trust me with him because we'd fail if he doesn't. Well, You Yi's still a part of me and he'd always be a special friend, but i don't love him that way anymore. It hit me because I realised i don't need to see him, which i would if that part of my heart were in any way involved.
I'm tired... Li, I miss you. Hope your boy is treating you better than mine treats me *long hug* I'll come online soon.
Lord, as always, I pray for guidance. And Your strength to pull me through.
11:20 AM