Saturday, August 02, 2003
aiyoh... got so much stuff written down but i don't feel like talking right now... bleah :P haha okay, toddles! ;)
11:24 PM
Thursday, July 31, 2003
ho hum.. i'm feeling quite........ off. now... just sitting here, in front of the comp, doing nothing...... while a pile of homework awaits me in my room, just waiting to drown me with sadistic pleasure.
not suprising that i don't feel like going downstairs.
oh yeah, found some pics of KH... n i passed my napfa, got gold in fact (yes don't look so shocked...) :P bleah~
this is him...
and this... is his wedding. and his wife. *sobs*
so sad... grace n daniel don't think he's handsome :( whatever, it's not e looks ;P
sigh.
11:59 PM
Wednesday, July 30, 2003
long lost words whisper slowly to me
still can't find what keeps me here
i think running to english lecture use up all my energy.
i feel so drained and tired... i can barely even type, my hands, limp on the keyboard. sigh... was pretty much falling asleep thru out eng lec.. chia n lim pm... john donne. sigh................. i don't even have the energy to scrunch up my face muscles and smile... *half-hearted effort* dunno... not that i'm sad or anything... just... energy-less
when all this time i've been so hollow inside
yeah i feel so hollow now... before, it was this magnificent waterfall, rushing and thundering down in a sparkle of frenzied water, billows of mist undulating from the surface, a veritible wall of diamonds sparkling in the dazzling sunlight. And suddenly, a rush of winter. The air frosted up and the temperature plunged in seconds, glaciation racing over the waterfall.. the icy bite halting frozen droplets in mid-air sending them showering to the frozen lake beneath in a tinkering chime of ice upon ice.
hopefully, my adrenaline rush is just sleeping... i'll need it later. got inter-fac badminton before training... *benumbed heart stirs disquietly* haiz.. thinking of going down aft school on fri as well... lies clutching greedily loath to relinquish their hold... has it occured to you that the more you lie, the more it seems you have to lie..???
and my consience staggers under its ever copious burden...
i wonder what time is math? as usual... didn't do tutorial... pui miao after maths.... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...........................
11:11 AM
ARGHZ!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm totally hyped up!!!!! Stupid bell just rang! I'm supposed to go eng lec now...!!! AHH!!!! I really shouldn't eat chocolates for breakfast! Look at me now *hops around frantically* hophophophophop~
Geez i'm so soo hyped up.. can't wait to go for training later!! WE HAVE TO BEAT VJ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (sorry li) but they're (vj odac) are getting on my nerves man!! i mean, they got kenta hoya and the singapore national team to train them!!! like wth!??!? *kick* dammit! we HAVE to win the novice cat for c'polo... its stressing me out! come on come on!! let's SHOW rj! SEA SPORTS CLUB ROCKS!!!
You may have noticed that i am a very jealous and possesive person. well i am a very jealous and possesive person.! at least... to things that matter STRONGLY to me aniwae :P maybe its because of my low self esteem... my looming insecurities... but whatever it is, vj is SERIOUSLY trying me...!!~
wth... got back my supposed report book or whatever u choose to call it (since it's juz one measly sheet of paper)... heck, pk remarked that i have "unacceptably poor performance in this examination. you need to be more focused about your academic work and really set it as a high priority. Do make every effort to fully engage with the material set out in assignments and lessons."
whatever!!!
right now, i am CONCENTRATING on c'polo competitions... i can't believe so many ppl keep missing trainings~!!! ALVIN!!!!! keeper! *gets frustrated* (sorry alvin, i'm not frustrated at you...) aragh!! the moe pisses me off man!
9:20 AM
Monday, July 28, 2003
This morning...
Suddenly, my world seems brighter; the day, happier... I revel in the warmth of the sunshine... and i smile :)
KH's flight has been delayed... he's still in Singapore :) :) :)
Haha, my whiney chink teacher is making all of us participate in some writing competition... i think she's just trying to get some laughs out of mine :P lol..
Well, i spent chink lesson scribbling this in english, dunno how i'm gonna translate it to chinese though ;p
girl... night... standing at the window with the wind blowing through her hair. swaying... her mind drifts back into the spiral of Time...
school: smiling and laughing with her friends, she feels terribly alone... for none of them can see through her cheerful facade to touch the person within..
teachers: praising her work, holding her as a standard for the rest of the class to live up to... ignorant of how late she stays up at night, not noticing the circles beneath her eyes and the dull weariness within..
tuition: helping students less fortunate than herself with their schoolwork... listening to their tales of woe, of child abuse, gangsters and drugs... And she soothes them, taking their problems unto herself.. drinking in their grateful, teary smiles after they've cried their hearts out... while her own grows ever heavier.
cca: competitions are coming and she pushes herself harder, harder! desperate to prove herself and win a medal for the school... her exhilaration for the sport buried under an avalance of training, driven by her coach and her own intense self-motivation.
family: she grows distant from them... a chasm of schoolwork and commitments widening between them with no way to bridge the gap.. they don't know the troubles in her life and see her minutes at night... mouthing meaningless phrases to study harder and get enough sleep, to which she smiles confidently in return, hiding the mountain of tension pressing mercilessly down upon her.
now... she stands upon her balcony, a light breeze twirling lazily around her.. and she gazes wistfully at the glittering lights beneath her mirroring the sparkling pin-pricks in the sky. And she lets go of all her worries, her stress and problems, flinging them recklessly into the velvet sea of light...
Flying... Free.
seriously, HOW am i supposed to write this in chinese!? lol :P oh yeah, went for judo match support today... both guys n gals lost to the communists (hcjc) *no offence meant* ;) sighz... i sooo expected our guys to win... :( :( :( but emmerson was amazing! haha, he went in, flipped his opponent twice in less than 30 seconds and won *gRinZ* unfortunately, that was our only win :P haha, there's always next yr.......
ouch. my teeth hurt... four cavities... sigh :( no more mars bars n snickers for mi... :p bleah~
11:45 PM
Sunday, July 27, 2003
at the rate i've been posting stuff, i should have just joined the blogathon~!! :P
ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh *SOBS* they're coming to orchard for dinner... like NOW!!!!!!!! 'they' meaning paddle culture plue *ahem ahem*!!!!!!!!!!!!! BUT I CAN'T GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *cries*
wth?!?!??!?!?! i like LIVE at orchard!!!!!! so so SO near yet he's so far away i might as well not exist~!! *reaches out and clutches... emptiness* i have TWO chances.. most people don't even get the second but i've a third..!! tonight's dinner plus his flight at 6am tmr morning.
*miserable look* now... it almost seems as if fate is handing me this opportunity on a golden platter... and i turn away. Every tiny, miniscule movement i make sending shooting pains through my heart... first, it started to rain heavily around six... at about quarter to seven, my econs tutor msged to cancel our 8 o'clock tuition because of the heavy downpour. At a little past seven, i couldn't contain my yearning anymore and msged dao jia, casually inquiring if it was raining at paddle culture as well and how things were going. I suppose i was more... obvious about it than i thought yesterday :P Yep, after DJ recieved my msg he called mi to tell mi that they were going to orchard for dinner n didn't i live near there? why not ask andrew if i could join them.... *sobs*
and of course, i can't........... actually, i could. i could call mummy to ask if i could go out, just for a liTTle while, to say bye.... she MIGHT say yes.. i don't know really, but there is that distinct possibility that she might agree.. albeit reluctantly.
BUT asking to go out with pc when i initially couldn't join her n sui khoo for dinner would further aggravate our situation, be her answer yea or nay. for one thing, she has already decided that sea sports is taking up too much of my time and eating steadily into my studies.. her and papa both! so spending more time with them, insignificant though the time frame may be, will stay in their minds as an example... another tiny little grain placed on the top of a mountain of sand that will collapse anytime. So no matter how how MUCH i am taken / besotted / smitten by Kenta Hoya, no matter how MUCH it tears me up inside to admit it, i must be practical *spits out tt disgusting word* and think long term, for i will NOT give up SSC for a momentary infatuation!! *hugs sea sports fiercely
Of course, there is the other option of going out now... secretly, without my parents' knowledge... for they are, after all, out for dinner with sui khoo n my grandparents as well. only my brother, sister and maid are at home... and they won't tell if i decided to leave, my parents would never find out...
God knows...
Oh how tempting the thought! How tantalizing the delicious, juicy Fruit of Sin...!! Am i to be like Eve?? Mesmerised by the lucious forbidden Fruit and utterly beguiled by the Serpent that i turn a deaf ear to the warnings of God??! That i turn my back on the many trees laden with delicious fodder and reach out, touching, almost touching that smooth enchanting skin of the Fruit.... Alas no! for Jesus has taken my sin upon the cross and suffered for it. Now He lives within my heart and I will live up to Him, for I love him and fear God.. *watches my heart shrivel up into a pile of gray ash*
And then there is tomorrow... his flight leaves at 6, which means i can go to the airport and after that to school without anyone the wiser. But then, there is this TEENY matter of me living under my parent's roof..? :p it is times like this i WISH so badly i can tAsTe it, that i lived by myself... independently. BOOHHOOOHOOOOOOOOOOO~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *BAWL*
sniff.... sniff.... *sad sad look* *thinks of them in orchard right now... 2 bus stops away* *curls up in an out-of-the-way corner and weeps*
to ppl reading my blog
sorry for going on and on about him, but it's MY blog and i can write whatever i want, so there! ;P
So help me... i'm completely love-struck okay?!? *grumble mumble* :p
8:34 PM
i came online to post something... hmm, i dunno what to post!? haha, lol... i'm still in a laughing, happy, lifted good mood cozzzz i JUST re-read my sat entry on dear KH (for the millionth time?) and everytime i read it and recall, i get sooooo HAPPY again *grinz gRInZ* :D :D :D
aiyoh... i agree with those peeps on de left ;) i AM going crazy~ hehe, i LIKE crazy!!!!! *stands on her head and balances an apple on her toes* i'm DYING to go pc again today... like somebody grab me and chain me to my chair before i can't stand it anymore and hail a cab to east coast!! *smilingly dismal crooked grin* -laugh- well he's leaving tmr *feels tt painful tug on my heartstrings* and i suppose all i can do now is treasure my wonderful memories of him and relive the beauty whenever i feel sad :)
"Unremembered, yesterday is extinct.
Without yesterday, today has no meaning.
Who are you, if forgotten?
Who are you, but the sum of your memories?"
- Ertish Saying
from The Ill-Made Mute, by Cecilia Dart-Thornton
everyone read tt book! i'm only at chapter 2 so far, but her vocab is incredible and the descriptions wondrously inspiring :) :) :)
hmmz, there was something else i wanted to say but i kinda forgot........... *silly smile* haha~ guess what (what follows is not what i actually wanted to say, but notable none-the-less), my mum's seriously considering my subtle (NOT!) suggestion of going to japan at the end of the year to go skiing!!!!!!!!!!!! *massive beam* muahahaha. i'll just see him again, experience the fun-ness of having my insides turned into a pot of bubbling boiling water, my head go giddy and my knees weak... all the glorious symptoms of [love] sickness ;) :P lolx~
oh yeah, i recalled what i wanted to say... and that is.......
GOD IS GOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
yes. *satisfied nod* God is very very very good :) :) friday was possibly the worst day of the year as yet and though my friends certainly bouyed my spirits up, God was the one who made everything okay again. hmm, not quite 'okay', since things might never be the same again, but i've been reading andee's n nitams' blogs and saturday seemed a good day for quite a few of us =) Give praises to the Lord!! eeps, dun mean to be all 'holier-than-thou', but i really feel that God has touched my life these past few days and made a HumONgoUs difference... this flashing lighthouse drawing forth my wrecked ship into the safe berth of His harbour.
Besides, today IS Sunday.. and the Sabbath :) and who else could have made such a splendid creation as kenta hoya??????? LOL *gRInZ* =D
5:45 PM
OMG FAHAD FROM PAKISTAN IS ONLINE?!?!?!??!
Li... remember e guy from langkawi i was telling you abt???? LI!!!
oh man... second major shock of the day.. if this keeps up i'm gonna get white hair like cheng!!! aiyohhhhhhhhhh~
i can't BELIEVE i just told cheng my blog... *waves dismally at him* all that shock must be getting to me........ *groan*
1:04 AM
It feels so strange now... How can i be so happy when with so much heartbreak in the world?? Sadness and anguish, troubles and stress.. i feel... defiant, happy, pained, distressed.
1) Care for the living, 2) mourn the deceased.
life is... everything tt'll take up too much time for me to say :P
it goes on...
time waits for no man.
hmm.. like daniel said, i'll never see him again. sooo... *sad sigh*
12:52 AM