Thursday, February 19, 2004
Today was such a sucky day. stupid asshole chinese teacher. *breathes deeply* okay. no profanities. *breathe* what a stupid day. so tired when i woke up i almost didn't. my nose was all runny and stuck i felt absolutely terible. my contacts felt dry and gritty coz i'd worn them to sleep. All sorts of crap stuff. rowing comp briefing. after which i bought chocolates n snacks fr the canteen to bring to class juz coz i felt shitty. all of which combined to make me feel even shittier aft i consumed it. Feel like vomiting, feel like crap. Absolutely do NOT want to go for the rest of today's classes... Don't mind going for econs S lec coz of the relative anonymity i can assume there but i swear eng n gp aren't gonna be comfortable.
smelly woman! stupid chink teacher! think you can confiscate my book!??!?!! you dare..... you just TRY!! I swear i'll... i'll..... *growl* and i am NOT VIOLENT! -glare- i want to run, i want to do sOMeThiNg...!! i want to go out to sea, kayak across to indonesia, bintan. i want to lose the world. lose myself in the world! Leave me alone man!! get your OWN life and butt out of mine!!! seethes
there's pe later which i don't wanna go for either (despite my raging desire to let off some steam) coz there r other students in the class n i just wanna be alone n not feel pressured by everyone who runs faster than me and not waste my time doing crap like pull ups n dumb stuff like that............. asshole.
while i'm pouring out my greivances, Micheal J. is the ultimate LOSER and the assiest asshole of them all!! Close down ssc will you?!! And set up THREE new ccas?!?!?!??!?! *kicks hard*
idiot.
1:08 PM
Wednesday, February 18, 2004
e day b4 yesterday was such a slack day. i just bummed around, moping. *slaps myself* haha, yesterday was better. still slacked, but didn't mope. see preethi! i CAN do it ;P n then again, mebbe not, caz i msged him first. took him long enough to reply (call), but tt's coz they can some officer chat/check thinggy tho i didn't know it at tt point of time. Ate a baci chocolate with those little love msgs inside in spanish, english, french n two other languages i don't recognize :)... it was because of the msg (n my sister's incessant prodding on how the msg was not a coincidence) tt i gave in n msged him first =P
And to learn not to love others is to not love oneself
omg... jason! :P my whole class thinks he's "in love" with me!! HE'S NOT!!!!! blah! ;p lol... just because he volunteered to do my chinese essay for mi...! so he's nice! :P i feel bad though, for taking advantage of that *charinged lopsided grin* haha! germaine is the best tho! she 'freeloaded' him into doing hers too coz she was sitting opposite me when he offered. Hahahaha!! no shame... ;) *grinz*
seriously tho, what's wrong with jason?? i honestly don't know how i know him *gestures accusingly at my brain where there's a gaping hole in my memory bank* lol. kevin too, don't know how i met him either! haha!! lousy memory... back to the point, he's got a reputation for being strange... But why? i don't geddit... he's nice, perhaps a little different in his mannerisms n stuff, but hey! everyone's unique =) besides, strangeness is a point of view. as i was discussing with kim last nite, do the ppl in mental hospitals think they're crazy? nooo... they just see the world in a different light. Albert Einstein was an eccentric n probably considered mad and more than a little strange by his peers... not that i'm saying jason's the next eistein (u never know) but it's just an analogy ;) haha *thought: strange ppl can consider strange those who consider them strange* -grrinnnee- how subjective :p
The only thing i really didn't like was him... "pawing" me, as germaine calls it ;p yech! i mean, i like being held as much as the next gal by someone i LIKE but please, don't get too familiar with mi =p yep. now wat...? can't stand it.... why is the future so vague??? If only i knew where i were going... :( siighhhhhhhhh........... [punches mr.bounderby n his smirking sneering leering bloated face]
When it gets cold outside and you got nobody to love
You'll understand what I mean when I say
There's no way we're gonna give up
And like a little girl cries in the face of a monster that lives in her dreams
Is there anyone out there cause it's getting harder and harder to breathe
Is there anyone out there cause it's getting harder and harder to breathe
~ Harder to Breathe {Maroon5}
9:30 AM
Monday, February 16, 2004
when the wind has got me, raise me up inside;
when the sun has struck me, shine me in its light;
when the water drowns me, carry me in its arms;
all the whens shall make me, who i am tonight.
dancing to my mind's ravings until the dawn shall come,
take me into your arms and hold me for eternity.
never let me go and never say you love me.
tell me no lies and i'll not leave thee.
together in the endless storm into the fire we dash,
when the graces of my soul sounds the state of conscious death.
sleeping while i wither in the cold, hard times.
*sleepiness*
bad poetry ;p
1:30 PM
Spoke to jp. or smsed him at least. i think i feel much betta now. :) don't think it'll last long tho... haha. i can feel it going.....
it's been awhile since i've had a nice, heart-to-heart chat with him =P gotta do it again sometime when we're both less busy. He's very soothing n he makes good points. interesting conversationalist :)
i still can't concentrate tho, am listening (not really) to miss wong telling us abt labour productivity n the MRP theory coz we're doing some DRQ thinggy... bleah. can't remember last year's work ;p
i asked him, "do you think love hurts?". he replied "yes, sometimes... coz love can make ppl do things tt others don't comprehend." not quite wat i was asking nor looking for, but it's a different perspective :) From a guy nonetheless. lol. Anyone else feel like sharing? I'd like to hear your comments... just tag. or betta yet, gimme a call or an sms. help me occupy myself =p
Do you think love hurts? WHY??????
take care you all... may you find love.
*serene*
12:10 PM
What can i do? What is there for me to do??
{Lord please guide my path}
Saturday was the best thing that happened to me in a long time but it has shaken me to the core of my being and changed... a LOT. He's perpetually on my mind now, this persistant spectral floating around inside my head, turning my thoughts inside out and upside down.
{Lord please take away my confusion}
And yes, i'm confused. I don't know where i am, where we stand, what will happen......
I miss him so much when we're not together and that scares me because i can't help it! I am so unsure and my footing so unstable that I'm stuck where i am now, unable to go back yet afraid of moving forward.
FEAR binds me.
{Lord You are my fock, give me Your strength to carry on}
I can't concentrate. i can't sleep. and worst of all: I CAN'T CONTROL IT!!!!!
"The trouble with love is
It can tear you up inside
Make your heart believe a lie
It's stronger then your pride
The trouble with love is
It doesn't care how fast you fall
And you can't refuse the call
See you've got no say at all"
Kelly Clarkson
What is this i'm feeling?? It's not infatuation, been there, done that, know how it feels like... and this is not it! No, it's something deeper... something different.
~ I am standing in a river with the rocks beneath my feet.
Cold water sweeping upwards and i find i cannot move.
The riverbanks have vanished and the current's gaining strength.
Teethering, i'm falling, please don't take me from my place.
River don't sweep me away. ~
Either i give myself wholeheartedly or not at all. The last time i freed my heart the guy told me after 2yrs that he has a girlfriend. Has had a girlfriend since before he knew me. End of story.
"Carpe dium" says liyana, seize the day. But the timing couldn't be worse.. A-levels? hello??!! I'm not the idealistic chit i was in pri n sec school days... (i miss those days. feel like i've lost a part of myself now.)
I understand the stakes involved. I LOVE to read but i'm not one of my characters... I can't throw my life away for something i don't know yet if it's love. something so fragile and transient as love...
Yet, my heart calls for it, yearns for it. I may have matured n learnt tt love is not at all what it's made out to be, yet i cannot entirely alter mine intrisically idealistic soul. Neither can i truely disbelieve in true love [for God has already chosen my companion] even when cynicism cloaks me, deep down inside i know that love can be the most wonderful thing on Earth one can ever experience, if one is lucky enough to find it.
{love is patient, love is kind... 1 Corinthians}
Yet all personal experience has taught me is that love HURTS!!!!!
What can i do, who can i talk to...??? Everything changes and nothing remains the same. Nothing is real. "Love is my illusion" ditto.
Bodies... music... hands...
This hasn't really helped much you know... i'm still confused and i still don't know what to do. :p
9:30 AM
Sunday, February 15, 2004
whoaaa...... it's been more than two weeks since i've updated my blog :P haha *waves hello to everyone*
this isn't a long entry. actually, it could be if i went into all the details, but it's treasured and i'd like to keep it well-preserved in the little treasure chest of my heart, that wonderful feeling and the memory of happiness that i can take out and look at whenever i feel down n unloved... :)
yeah. and i'm talking abt yesterday. valentine's day. *smiiiilllllleeeeeeeeeeeee* :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) *heart*
8:08 PM