Saturday, October 08, 2005
Ok so now you have what you wanted. The password. And you've read it, against my wishes, so do whatever you want to do, i don't care anymore.
I've never thought of you as a toy, nor treated you like one. I pushed you away because i didn't like what you were doing. I didn't like that you don't seem to mean what you say, i don't like that i don't know if you mean what you say or not, and most of all, i don't like feeling like this! Feeling uncertain, feeling vulnerable, feeling insecure... Why have you give me reason to??
You always said you'd chase me if i pushed you away and that you'd never give up... But do you mean that? It really doesn't seem as if you do. You never said that that statement had strings and conditions attached to it.. You never said that you needed to know everything first before you could decide if i was justified in pushing you away and chase me back. You chose knowledge over happiness.
I hope you're content.
12:49 AM
Friday, October 07, 2005
Hi, I am stressed and i am painfully in love. Painfully because it is causing me pain yet i don't want to shut myself off from him (that's where the 'in love' bit comes in) coz i'm hoping against hope that he loves me back as well...
Guess i'm just too stressed to be emotionally strong right now... So many projects, so much homework, so many tests and SO LITTLE TIME..... Sigh... Okay, i was feeling quite unhappy just now (and now), so i shall try to unload everything onto my blog, as usual.
Friday. Woke up at 8.30am this morning to do some research for BGS. I was already in a very rushed mode coz mummy n papa initially wanted me to go look at cars with them. Anyway, did that till 10, showered then got picked up by them to go Selegie Branch to open an E-$avers account for myself. Ann did the processing for us and i discovered that my old workplace has changed quite a bit! For one thing, Don is no longer the BM there (that gave me quite a shock, apparently he was transferred elsewhere but has also tendered his resignation), Jaq has left and there are numerous new faces around..... So I left, still rushing, without time to find out who else was gone and why :( Reached school at 12noon, exactly on time for the silly comms 100 briefing.. And i believe that was the only high point of my day: finding out that i was exempted after all, thanks to a SAT score of >650 for english :p
At 12.35 (after the talk ended), our microecons group (vanessa, shilpa, anisha, shalini n myself) met up to discuss what topic we wanted to do for our project. Vanessa only joined us at 1.30 coz she was at a meni&pedi with monica!!! Haha. Well we kinda agreed on two or three different interesting ones... (1) What's with all the numerous sales in singapore? How do they make profits etc. (2) Why are the bus companies privatised? I mean, won't u just take the first bus that comes along, not wait for one with tv mobile on it -for example-? (3) Why are we charged the same price for different sized pieces of clothing? Shouldn't it be cheaper if they use less material and more ex if they use more?? (i don't think this one is very good tho, coz i think same clothes -regardless of size- are charged the same price to avoid messiness)
Anyway, we tried finding Massi, but he wasn't in his office!! Poor Sarah came all the way back to school to find him for consultation but he wasn't there and it was his consultation hours!! I want to find him too... to ask him abt my sucky B- paper... Think i shall do that on monday. Btw, i think the marking system in uni is very unfair... Classes who get strict profs like yang zhenli are at a huge disadvantage compared to other stats profs, whose students score 90+ on average hence all get A's... And regarding Massi's microecons paper, for example, there is absolutely no mark breakdown! Apart fr the mcqs, we don't know where we lose marks n why we get a certain grade... For example, there's a guy in my class who got the last two questions completely wrong (like me), but scored an A coz apparently the TA said he put in a lot of effort in the paper. @()%)$^%*^(??#!$?!?!?!? baised marking... Apparently the marks required for an A+ is 82/83, while the mark for a B- is 70. That's means there's only two marks difference between each grade!! And that's BAD coz the GPA difference btween a an A+ (4.3) and a B- (2.7) is humongous! So if i get one more mcq question correct (3marks), i can jump 2 grades to a B+ (GPA 3.3), provided the marking system is fair and consistent! That's incredible!!
Anyway, the grading system is not the foremost worry on my mind so let me move on...
3pm. BGS project meeting. (ok so we actually only started at 3.30 coz vanessa, sarah and i were checking out Biotherm which has a 15% discount for today only!!! hahaha) think Danielle and Daniel both got a bit irritated with us at that :p anyway, bgs meeting made me stressed! Coz danielle has this extremely focused mindset that sees exactly what she wants to do and goes all the way to do that. However, that does not work very well in a group project coz it's not one person's mindset which matters but all of ours. Sighhh... But we managed to reach a compromise in the end and shall meet again next week.
So we were done at arnd 4pm but i spent the next 45mins getting all the things i have to do sorted out before going to the pc clinic to sort out my laptop. I was really really quite quite QUITE stressed out by then... You Yi was supposed to come meet me but i was done faster than i thought so i told him i'll go find him instead since he hadn't reached where i was yet. Called him, found out he was at SESS, so i walked over to meet him. Walk walk walk... Saw him talking to some girl... Walked closer... Still not noticed. Was contemplating walking through killiney kopitiam to completely avoid them and come out on the other side and go home myself but all i could bring myself to was to leave more space between myself and them and just walk past. Unfortunately, my poor tattered heart couldn't bear to leave a wide enough gap so i was noticed anyway and pulled close to be introduced to yet another one of his pretty girlfriends who prob noticed that something weird was going on. (Maybe all the previous girls who turned him down and his exes who broke up with him know something i don't... Maybe i'm the only one fool and gullible enough to fall for a player like him, with all his sweet words and smooth talk...) My poor dear oblivious boyfriend was too occupied by a pretty face and didn't even notice when i pulled my hand out of his and prevented him fr putting his arm around me.
Later, he thought i was going to go for dinner with him, so was mildly disappointed that i wasn't (even though i hadn't even been invited by his aunt! whose birthday the dinner was in celebration of). So we left school coz he had to leave to go dine with his family, and, as i'm sure u've gathered by now, i had been in a state of stress since 5pm and he wasn't helping any with his "jokes" along our route to PS. Let me tell you some of them...
The 'push-away' joke
YY: "Maybe I am pushing you away..."
CK: "Are you pushing me away??"
YY: (abruptly) "Yes." -walks away ahead-
CK: (perilously close to tears) -drags feet and stares at his back-
YY: -turns around and smiles- Nahh... Just kidding. I won't push you away dear. -puts arm around CK-
The Hidden
-CK walks behind YY, they do not touch. CK falls further and further behind, YY keeps walking. CK stops, stands behind a pillar and waits.... (30 seconds later) CK steps out from behind pillar. YY is approx 4 pillars away, looking around as he walks back. CK waits, YY spots her.-
YY: "There you are!"
CK: "I was wondering how long it'd take for you to notice that i wasn't behind you anymore.."
YY: -puts arm around CK- Ah I see... Well i did notice and i'm here now.
The Reverse Push-away
-YY has arm around CK but CK's hand is in-between, holding him away an arm's length-
YY: "I'll never let you push me away!"
CK: "You mean like this?" -gives YY a shove with the arm in-between-
YY: -lets go with little resistance and moves in front of CK-
CK: Haha, that's the first time i've done that literally!
YY: -doesn't seem to hear. walks on ahead in front of CK, does not look back.-
CK: -stares at his back, disbelieving. Drags feet once more.- (feels strong urge to go somewhere far far away, curl up in a ball and cry...)
Salsa fiesta
-CK calls YY on hp-
YY: "Hey dear i just reached here! Everyone's wondering where you are!!"
CK: "Help me say hello to them! I miss everyone!! Feel like going right now actually!"
YY: "Haha, coz we're psychically connected right?? Even Rui Fen and Kenneth are here!"
CK: "Oh no!! They're from NTU and NUS and they're partying, but i'm from SMU and i'm home studying! I'm like ruining SMU's reputation!!! Hahaha!"
-YY passes hp to Porshee-
Porshee: "Hey girl, where are you?! Rui Fen's flirting with your boyfriend!!"
CK: -!*@#(%*$#(^^?!?@#?!/@%!($%(!?- "Hello! I can't come lah!! I have sooooo many projects and tests and homework and stuff! Wish i could be there man.."
-Porshee passes hp to Kenneth-
Kenneth: "Hey where are you?!? Rui Fen's flirting with You Yi!!"
Rui Fen: (in the background) "Hey i'm not k...!"
Kenneth: "You're such a mugger man! Rui Fen and I are here and you're not?! How's that possible?!?!?"
CK: "Sorry lah.. I'm so stressed! Got so much work to do!!! That's not fair... You're a medicine student and you study less than me :p"
-rest of convo is insignificant. THE END.
Story of my day...
Who should CK believe? Can YY be trusted? Call in to air your views! Tune in once more, anytime, anyday! Goodnight folks and have a merry weekend!!
word of wisdom: don't cry when you have ulcers... they hurt more.
9:55 PM
Tuesday, October 04, 2005
I PASSED MY DRIVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOOHOO!!!!!!!!!!! yesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyes! *GRINZ*
Thank you SO MUCH Lord... Thank you SO SOOO MUCH!!! =D actually everything was screwed up, but the Lord showed that He will provide! First, prof finished class abt 5mins early (which i can't recall him doing ever before), then when i got to PS, You Yi called to say he had just left and would be meeting me at YCK... But i have absolutely no means of getting there myself! So just as i was considering leaving my SMU pass at one of the shops to borrow $ fr them, Dionycious (my Pr sch friend who also happens to be in SMU) comes along and lends me $2 for transport :D So got there and all, made it just in time, then i was blessed with a wonderfully CALM instructor for my revision... He kept saying to take things slow, take it easy, nevermind, just do your best, blah blah blah; so when revision was over, i was barely nervous at all! To top it all up, my dearest stayed with me throughout to lend me moral support even as the Lord took away my anxiety so i felt happy if not completely confident when i strode off with my tester to the car :p
I managed to keep calm during the test, but became increasingly nervous as it wore on coz as i was U-turning, some car came out of nowhere into the other lane... I really thought i'd failed then... But once again, God provided!! He blessed me with a nice tester, who could easily have given me an immediate failure for that but who, instead, attributed most of the blame to the on-coming car and made it 10points instead.. Whewww..... Praise God... Really really really praise God!
And my lovely, lovely, WONDERFUL boyfriend.. Who took a cab fr boon lay, then stayed with me all the way, even coming back to school with me when he really didn't have to... My sweetest love.. My strawberry chocolate cheesecake (haha)... *smile smile smilleee* He IS quite a player though... Changing girlfriend after girlfriend after girlfriend.. :s but i really really pray that God will continue to bless our relationship so that our love may grow in Him as well :) :) My dearest.. My darling... How blessed are we to have found each other! *hugs you tightly* even the ulcers in my mouth don't hurt so badly :) haha. My love...
=)
10:44 PM
i have FOUR freakin' ulcers in my mouth!!
Today is a bad bad bad day... HAS BEEN a bad bad bad day, hopefully. First i wake up feeling wound with tension, then You Yi calls up and tells me that he has my WALLET with him... Without which i canNOT travel to yio chu kang for my driving test, nor be properly identified without my precious i/c... So i come for the stats test with high expectations but low confidence, only to totally SCREW myself up by doing everything backwards which i practised last night... !!!!! I am pissed off at myself! Disappointed, mad, angry, depressed, fatalistic, irritated and in an utterly BAD MOOD.
So it doesn't help that You Yi's busy too and i don't know if he'd come on time for me to get to yio chu kang in time.
! BAH.
10:55 AM
Monday, October 03, 2005
Siiiggghhhh......
I have 2 tests tomorrow.. A stats test and a driving test. Don't know which one i'll fail... Hah sigh. sorry, don't mean to be so pessimistic. Unfortunately i AM in a pessimistic mood right now... I hope I'll pass my driving anyway. If I don't, I'll really really REALLY feel like giving up.......
But i won't.
Of course..
Sighh... Sometimes i feel that life is made up of pressures and desires.. Our choices may not necessarily be our choices but are choices forced onto us out of desperation and circumstance.
Like, I would really NOT like to have to take driving test.. But i have to. Unfortunately.
Thus freedom of choice is an illusion... Filled with limits and restrictions and lack of choice... So what choice is there, ultimately??
Then there's desires... All the 7 sins and more that humans would undoubtedly indulge in to satiation were they not constrained by NON- freedom of choice & lack of resources.
So either we're forced to do something, or we desire something (with 'desire' smudged with impurity). Neither of which is good. I mean, we never 'desire' something that is good for us... Like education for example. I've never heard anyone say they desire education... The word desire brings to mind a (perhaps lustful) want for something one does not need, which can also be construed as greed.
Thus i'm lamenting on the lack of choice, yet saying that having a choice isn't good for us either!
Yup... That kinda sums up my thinking... OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO -think: "circles"-
Sigh sigh.
You Yi told me last night that he wanted to become a Christian "now". I was stunned, to put it mildly. Stunned as in i totally could not believe my ears and as such, handled it wrongly.. :s then saw him today and teared A BIT when we talked before he left... I suppose i've got lots on my mind. I've always told mummy that it doesn't matter if we don't get together in the end, coz i feel that God's purpose in bringing us together is so as to show You Yi love.. Thus so long as he's a Christian when we break up, my work is done.
I still feel that way, objectively. But i think my heart protests now and screams that "IT DOES MATTER!!!!!" hm.. yes. So perhaps i cried because my mindset is such that once he's accepted Christ, then my work is done? And God could take him away from me now at anytime?? ... :'( I know that God is good and he won't use me ruthlessly in such a way; but i also know that SINCE God is good, he does things for the best of us as well and maybe You Yi is not in the "Life of Cheryl"-masterplan, or I'm not in his?? ..... =( so i'm down. But i can't be up all the time right? So maybe this sad depression is part of the natural swing of things...
Then there's delia, my dear sister, who's got me praying like mad for her O's and worrying like crazy... :( :( :( She has a grand total of 32 points... Yippee.. And i don't know what it is she'd do! Please Lord... Open the way for her.. Show her Your love, Your plans, Your power and majesty.. Let Your will be done...
I had breakfast and lunch with mummy and papa on saturday... And they're extremely anxious right now... Bryan's costing a LOT in uk. Apparently it's already a stretch for him to be there. Then Delia is... Delia. And mummy and papa can't afford to send her anywhere to study even if we wanted to, which we might not coz we'd age prematurely worrying for her welfare out there. Then there's me... $6k per semester (or is it year?) which is no small sum either... So... I doubt i can go for masters in US after all... :( :( :( Sighh...
I'm not smart at all... Soo not smart. If i were smarter, I could get a scholarship and alleviate mummy and papa's worries... If i were smart, I could help support the family or even make myself less of a burden.. If i were smart, if i were smart, if if if if if...
:(
Sorry Lord.
11:17 PM