Thursday, January 01, 2004
"If we, citizens, do not support our artists, then we sacrifice our imagination on the crude altar of reality and we end up believing in nothing and having worthless dreams." ~ The Life of Pi
Truely, how can i go on when i know, in my heart, that there is no going back...? That everything has changed and there's nothing i can do to remedy that. That it was I who instigated that change, who made the decision that i kNeW would lead to this unalterable change yet went ahead out of necessity though my heart is leaden with regret...
And all has changed... Not drastically, nor stupendously or fantastically... But a tiny, minute change that alters everything. Just as a butterfly flapping it's delicate wings in Beijing may evolve into a typhoon in California; we are like a house of wood and I have introduced the termite....
And nothing, not insecticide, not anything, will turn its course. It is inevitable that the house would collaspe; that the termites will multiply and eat through the walls. No one will notice, no one would know for on the outside, all is well. On the outside, everything looks the same... But the rotteness is spreading like an unstoppable tide, the corrosion of the timbers slowly but surely, damning this house. It is only a matter of time, of when the building would give way to the plague within and crumble, falling into a pile of dust and nothingness... No evidence to portray it's former beauty nor a single clue to prompt the imagination of what it might have been........ Just a termites' nest.
And so it is with us and so it seems to be. As sure as the moon and the stars and the sun that gives us life, we will go to naught. Perhaps one day i call and he doesn't pick up, or he messages and i don't reply... Perhaps that is how it would end. A rose in first bloom attacked by a sudden frost and withering away into nothing.
"What you love is but a shadow on a thought... I cannot give you what you seek." ~ Aragorn [The Return of the King]
And i am sad for what has passed... Pained for what could have been... Loathing the practicality of my idealistic soul...
"i wish you were with me", he said. I wish... that we could only have been given a chance; that we would be happy. But such is the nature of wishes... More fragile than dreams and of less use.
What i would give to be back on the beach on that night, with the sand beneath our feet, the wind around us and the waves beside us, holding hands.
i won't have let go so fast had i known that that would be the first, and last, time i held his hand..........
12:39 PM
Tuesday, December 30, 2003
well i'm back to being confused n lost... maybe less lost than i was before but lost anyways... hah. :p i think i shall just write him a letter... yeah, think i shall do that tmr =P
argh... my nose is all stuffed up! don't feel like typing.. good night!!
11:08 PM