Saturday, June 28, 2003
haha, i've been struck by d 'ee sang' syndrome!! lol... e disease of constantly checking mi hp but not finding anything there... :P sighz :)
yesterday was a day of mucho surprises!!
1) was in e middle of math remedia wif mr.ho when sensei called! *minor surprise* n i answered e phone to talk to him ;) haha
2) *MAJOR surprise* mr.ho wants me to get an A for math common test!!!!!!!!!!! ahahahahahahahahahahahaha! *gRInZ* LOL LOL :D :D :D :D so there sang ;) hehehehe... far cry from e "if you pass, i'll be very happy"... -smile smile- not tt i'll actually get A lah of course, since i don't know chapters 5-7 (lol) but i expect to pass, even though i'm hoping for a C :)
3) checked my email... WHITE WANTS TO PLAY WITH US!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! White as in e champion team of e canoepolo 3-on-3 mini-league in PC... e team which consists of ALL national players...!!! *falls over n lies dazed on e ground* well, we'll definitely learn a LOT aniwae =) =)
4) in e car on e way back home... mummy wants ernest to teach mi e above mentioned topics i don't know for math... so she asked mi to invite him here (as in my house) *gasp* soooo... yes. ernest is coming over to study with mi under mummy's ever-watchful eye :P
5) *not a very good thing* ernest's relative passed away... not a very close relative, thank goodness, but i don't like it when ppl die :( he went for e wake last nite.. sympathy
6) Cai fong called up~ haha! tt's quite funny... i was quite surprised... lol :) later, i sent him (as well as a dozen other ppl) e family week "i LURVE u" msg. hahahahahaha, i thot it was really cute, but his reaction was SOOOO funnnyyy *gRInZ* he smsed back n was like "kindly explain ur prev msg"... hahaha!!! funny man, even I know i dun like him that way ;) =sMiLeZ- haha... and he made something for me!!!!!! :D :D i'm so touched! i really am!! but i'm also very puzzled... it's not my birthday or anything, n i dun recall anything in particular that i did to deserve this...?? whatever it is, i'm really happy! and excited... :) suddenly, i can't wait for monday :) :) :) [even though common tests commences on mon :P] *gRInZ*
erpz... gtg shower n pick up ernie now... byez :)
LI are you back yet?!?!?!?
9:36 AM
Thursday, June 26, 2003
This song's been jiggling in my head... linkin park: somewhere i belong.
When this began
I had nothing to say
And I'd get lost in the nothingness inside of me
I was confused
And I let it all out to find that I'm
Not the only person with these things in mind
Inside of me
But all the vacancy the words revealed
Is the only real thing that I've got left to feel
Nothing to lose
Just stuck/hollow and alone
And the fault is my own
And the fault is my own
I wanna heal
I wanna feel
What I thought was never real
I want to let go of the pain I've held so long
[Erase all the pain 'til it's gone] I want to heal
I want to feel
Like I'm close to something real
I want to find something i've wanted all along
Somewhere I belong
And I've got nothing to say
I can't believe I didn't fall right down on my face
I was confused
Looking everywhere/only to find that it's
Not the way I had imagined it all in my mind
So what am I
What do I have but negativity
'Cause I can't justify the
Way everyone is looking at me
Nothing to lose
Nothing to gain/hollow and alone
And the fault is my own
The fault is my own
I will never know
myself until I do this on my own
And I will never feel
Anything else until my wounds are healed
I will never be
Anything 'til I break away from me
And I will break away
I'll find myself today
I wanna heal
I wanna feel like I'm
Somewhere I belong
arghz! li's leaving for malacca tmr... today actually, since it's past midnight. not too sure when she's coming back. prob sat or sun :P haven't got e chance to talk to her much... haha, it's also her n fi's anniversary. i can't believe its already been a month since they're 'officially' together... so fast... :)
listening to perfect10. john mayer: no such thing. i like e chorus...
I wanna run through the halls of my high school
I wanna scream at the
Top of my lungs
I just found out there's no such thing as the real world
Just a lie you got to rise above
12:29 AM
10.40am
Am in maths remedial now... ITRR... falling asleep... *yawn* zzzzz... cute guy sitting in front of mi, one seat to e left. ming chuan, christopher. aunty siok hoon's nephew... i wonder if he knows i know...? he's like english-chinese mix... tall dark n handsome. sigh.
sianz...
| Disorder | Rating |
| Paranoid: | Low |
| Schizoid: | Low |
| Schizotypal: | Moderate |
| Antisocial: | Low |
| Borderline: | Moderate |
| Histrionic: | Moderate |
| Narcissistic: | Moderate |
| Avoidant: | Moderate |
| Dependent: | Moderate |
| Obsessive-Compulsive: | Moderate |
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! -- | |
Schizotypal
Many believe that schizotypal personality disorder represents mild schizophrenia. The disorder is characterized by odd forms of thinking and perceiving, and individuals with this disorder often seek isolation from others. They sometimes believe to have extra sensory ability or that unrelated events relate to them in some important way. They generally engage in eccentric behavior and have difficulty concentrating for long periods of time. Their speech is often over elaborate and difficult to follow.
Histrionic
People with histrionic personality disorder are constant attention seekers. They need to be the center of attention all the time, often interrupting others in order to dominate the conversation. They use grandiose language to discribe everyday events and seek constant praise. They may dress provacatively or exaggerate illnesses in order to gain attention. They also tend to exaggerate friendships and relationships, believing that everyone loves them. They are often manipulative.
Narcissistic
Narcissistic personality disorder is characterized by self-centeredness. Like histrionic disorder, people with this disorder seek attention and praise. They exaggerate their achievements, expecting others to recongize them as being superior. They tend to be choosy about picking friends, since they believe that not just anyone is worthy of being their friend. They tend to make good first impressions, yet have difficulty maintaining long-lasting relationships. They are generally uninterested in the feelings of others and may take advantage of them.
???
12:23 AM
Tuesday, June 24, 2003
the 'day after' blues... (read previous entry for my trip to maldives)
Tue - 24/6/2003 - 5.15pm s'pore
It all seems so far away now...
The memories fade so fast that it doesn't seem real... mere whispers of a dream...
lost...
6.40pm
I miss the sound of the waves terribly... Feel so alone... :( :( :(
Desperately want to go back. I'm all lethargic n draggy.
I feel confined! Caged n restrained!!
Where is the open sea? e unending horizon?? lost!
consumed by e towers of concrete n metal! the stars are obscured be e dark haze of pollution n greed, hiding from e earthly glare of "life" we give off!
The winds are false and carry e smell of crowds... n death... I am alone in a consortium of fellow humans, drowning, sinking into our own self-preservation and lust.
Would that i could leave... fly freely on e wings of my soul n dance to e beat of my heart...
but i can't...
Bring my friends back to Maldives n share e universe's worth of fun, laughter, peace n joy with them, carefree... careless...
but i can't...
i can't.
8:41 PM
with love from maldives...
Sat - 21/6/2003 - 1pm (4pm s'pore)
The sea, it calms me... From e gentle lapping of the waves to e distant roar of the ocean, it speaks with many voices if one takes the time to listen. it speaks of depth and serenity... beneath e rolling tumble of e surf, it rumbles in a tone of age old wisdom. peace...
I feel relaxed... e tentacles of anxiety wrapped with cluthing ferocity around my brain release a tiny fraction of its hold. Ever so slowly, slowly... reluctantly freeing my mind to drift peacefully on e waters of harmony.
The sea is therapeutic. Often i wish i could breathe normally in water, free from e contraptions of snorkles or e constrain of having to come up to the surface for air. I wish also that i could swim smoothly, to be able to glide nonchalantly through e waters and make them my home...... if wishes came true, heaven would be crowded *wry smile* :P
I love e sea...
It is a being of mystery n bounty. calm n still one moment, violent n raging the next. Yet all we see is but a ripple on e surface... an illusion within a dream... rarely does e temperaments of e surface affect e deeper regions of e sea. Beneath where all is dark and still, currents tugging the patterns of life, e sea holds wonders upon wonders, mysteries upon mere myths of our imagination.
The sea fascinates me...
Left alone, i could stare for hours upon hours at e waves, entranced by e ripples playing across e surface... e white wreaths of foam dancing over e crests of e waters... no two waves are the same. They rise... and fall. Constantly changing in the shimmering rays of light, in touch with the slightest shift of wind or temperature...
But they are untroubled... They simply exist, moving with the greater, embracing the weaker... Oh but that i were a creature of the sea!
Sun - 22/6/2003 - 9.30am (12.30pm s'pore)
It's been raining, no, storming through the night. It seems we've arrived at an unfortunate time, e monsoon season. Unfortunate for some maybe... I adore storms... ;)
The sea is choppy, surging up n down unevenly beneath the open balcony i sit on. Our water bungalow (an extremely tiny 1room 1toilet bungalow) is thrust out of e beach such that e balcony rests atop wooden piers, with e water swishing beneath. Sitting here facing out, one can almost imagine being alone on an island, gazing outwards at e immeasurable sea, waiting for a ship to come.... almost. :P
There are no ships out now that i can see... just e endless horizon broken by patches of insignificant islands. The sea looks excited today... more restless than the interminable calm of yesterday. right before me, e waters are a pale greenish blue. nearly crystal clear but for e pearly-white bubbles breaking the surface. further out, e colour has deepened into a beautiful turquoise, giving way to dark shadows of blue as it recedes from shore.
Still further, all i can see is e shadow of a bird gliding low over e racing white horses of spray. even this, fades into nothingness as e steely-blue sea touches e fairer gray-blue sky, far in e distance.
I sit here, alone, with e cool wind caressing my skin and e splashes n music of e waves a soothing buffer to my thoughts, breathing e fresh air... no pollution, no stink, sweet clean air entering my lungs n giving life to my body, uplifting my soul with its purity...
Beautiful.
Cheng would love surfing these waves in his kayak. Sea sports club would enjoy this tremendously.... I know i'd have been happier were my friends here with me. Less at peace, definitely, n more cluttered... but happier :) :)
The night sky here is exquisite as well... a cloak of enigmatic velvet sprinkled carelessly with sparkling diamonds... the stars adorning the dark splendor of night while e shadow of e universe enhances e beauty of each unique pinprick of light that we call 'star'. The open balcony, a place for romance and sweet bonding and love... *thinks li-fi* ;)
I wish he were here...
Sun - 22/6/2003 - 1.05pm (4.05pm s'pore)
I HATE it when ppl tell me what to do... I absolutely hate it..!!
I value independence highly... instruct me if you must, or advise me... but DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!! *growl*...
breathe... relax... feel e wind... better. :)
ugh. my mind is all wound up... played chess w papa juz now... lost :P hah... my chess is terrible. am not a very strategically cunning person... in fact, i'm neither strategic nor cunning... lol. i'm not a lot of things for that matter... so what am i??
lazy irresponsible ignorant dense stupid gullible ugly fat thoughtless earthly unneeded unwanted greedy possessive selfish...
The list goes on.
Mon - 23/6/2003 - 12.50pm (3.50pm s'pore)
We're leaving tonight... I can't believe it! Time flies unbelievably fast!! :( :( :( I'd stay here forever if not for my friends... :P still, this visit has been good... i feel much more.. centred you could say, more at ease with myself surely :)
Haha, just had to run back into my room to seek refuge fr e rain... its been raining on n off since yesterday... don't think we'll be able to go reef snorkling after all :P
The winds were whipping up a frenzy last night. They were seriously howling their gusty hearts out! And i, snug in a chair doing math, silently observed our drying clothes tossing about e railing n contemplated over how strong e wind was to be able to snatch my underwear away into e night... before papa called n told mi to bring e washing in. lol...
a thrill of fear and trepedition...
my feelings while out on e open balcony, collecting what's left of e clothes, revelling in but a fraction of nature's terrifying strength.
I came in just in time. The rain started pouring with a vengence, battering angrily at our closed doors as if offensive at finding them there, warning us that it could tear down e walls with ease had it cared to... The wind carried it. It's partner in crime, slashing it almost horizontally through e air, so hard tt it formed a large pool of water from e crack 'neath e door... still, but expanding outwards steadily, as if awaiting orders from it's reckless, powerful entity without.
The rain's stopped now... e skies are a deceptively calm blend of white n blue. Godpa juz called to say e reef snorkling has indeed been called off. sigh... another afternoon doing math for mi :P
and maldives is no more...
8:32 PM