Saturday, April 14, 2007
hey this celebrity look-alike thing is pretty cool... Think i need a better picture though :P
3:51 PM
TODAY WAS AWESOME!!!!!! THE SHOW WAS ABSOLUTELY FANTASTIC!!!!! *BEEG GRIN*
Hahaha... I was just so happy that my friends came down to support me :D :D :D and i didn't forget any moves at all!! Woohoo! Cecil just walked me back from the afterparty at O'Neils and that boy can DANCE!!! uh huh! uh huh! he promised to join me in mahogany next sem if i get in to uva ;) hehe!! he rocks! Cecil can seriously do EVERYTHING! He's like jack of all trades and master of them all too!! Lol. Yi-xian came for the mahogany afterparty for awhile, but decided to stay at the techno party downtown while cecil, helen and i came back... Tonight had the best music i've heard in a while!! -smile smile smile-
I wanna dance more! HEH.
3:00 PM
Friday, April 13, 2007
I just had a very, very weird one hour. Probably the weirdest i've ever had and i hope it stays that way.
This guy in my dorm, knocks on my door at 3am in the morning, just moments after yix leaves. Anyway, he was just... drunk. Like swaying on his feet, words slurred kind of drunk. His cap was down low over his eyes, his shirt was buttoned up wrong and there was grass all over it because he had jumped out of the way of a speeding car into the lawn (and earned a long nasty scratch on his right forearm in the process). And he starts saying things like, "I know you have a boyfriend and I have a girlfriend, but I really just want to hang out with you more and be your friend." So i say okay, lets hang out here for awhile, meaning the corridor outside my room. But he says, "I don't feel comfortable. Just come to my room, you can trust me." So I say no, I trust you, but its not right, my boyfriend won't like it. So we sit out there for about half an hour, with me watching him falling asleep with his cap over his eyes.
Here's the thing about the way he talks... He tends to speak slowly, with long pauses in between the things he says so half the time you're not sure if he's with you or not. When he's drunk, it becomes even more pronounced so I'd think he's asleep, and then he'd suddenly stir and say something, but when I reply, he doesn't respond at all! So we sat there until I was like, "come on, get some rest, i'll walk you back to your room," coz i was scared he'd fall down the stairs in his condition.
So i walk him back to his room... The first thing I noticed was a long-stemmed white rose stuck onto his door, with a piece of yellow paper folded up beneath it. It had his name written prettily on it in calligraphic font and was sealed with grey wax (there was actually a seal on it but i don't recall the image). Noticing it, he tears it open. The letter was addressed to him thanking him for his contributions to their society, saying that it has not gone unrecognized. Then below that short paragraph were 2 quotes in italics. I can't remember the first, but the second one was Confucious saying something about falling down and getting up again. The letter was signed off as from the A.N.G.E.L.S Society. Shrugging and smiling a little to himself, he doesn't reply when I ask him if he felt better, but simply opened the door to his room.
It was plain and spartan. There was a thin, frayed rug in the middle of the room, but the rest of the floor was obviously dirty. His wall had a map on it and a few posters but that was all, and he didn't even have a pillow on his bed!
When we walked in, he went straight to his bed and sat down heavily, with his back hunched and his shoulders drooping in a defeated posture. At first, i stood at the door, ready to leave. Then he started talking again, about how he just wants to talk to me for awhile, so please close the door. I repeated my earlier excuse, but when he said please, I compromised and said i'd close the door halfway, to which he acquised. That done, I sat down on his bed, about an arms length away, and he began to say how he's sad that people tell him that they're scared of him and he doesn't understand why. After which, he asked if i was scared of him and I say no... *pause* should I be? He said, "no... but i'm bigger than you," and didn't say anything for 5 minutes before adding, "but you still shouldn't be scared even though I'm bigger. I wish you'd just trust me and close the door for 2 seconds. I'd show you that you can trust me." O_O hmmm... this is a reason why my sister should stay in singapore, coz she would probably do it. I say no and he asks if i trusted him. To which I very carefully replied, "I don't know you well enough to trust you yet, but I do know you're my friend." I'm quite sure that did not satisfy him, though, because he flopped onto his back and (with his cap over his eyes) says, "trust can be instant." I, of course, disagree with that statement and tell him so, saying that things like love and friendship and trust take time to build up, and the more effort is put into building them, the stronger they become.
-silence-
"I disagree." Comes his voice from under the cap.
This time, I don't say anything so a long silence passes (in which i contemplate how best to leave) before he muttered, "the whole world hates me." Scoffing, i was like, why do you say that?! Again, my words elicit no reply and I decided that it was past time for me to go. Rising, i said good night and walked out, switching off his light and closing the door behind me.
Not 10 seconds later, he opens his door and goes, "hey!" Turning around, I looked at him questioningly but all he did was loll on his door frame. So I shoo him back in his room and into bed, where he kept apologizing. This time, he says, "I'm sorry to be a bother. Now that you have a boyfriend, I won't bother you anymore, I don't want to spoil your relationship. So you shall cease to exist for me." With that, he turned his back toward me and lay curled up in bed facing the wall. Well I wasn't going to argue with him, so I turned off the light again, closed the door behind me and, not taking any chances this time, ran up the stairs and back to my room!
Just as I sit down in bed and open my laptop, I hear a faint knock on the door.
I froze.
Two knocks this time, stronger, louder.
Resigned, I opened the door and stepped outside (my roommate was asleep all the while). (How in the world did he manage to get up here so fast? I wondered.) He was leaning against the wall beside my door, his forehead pressed against the wall. His cap was gone, but his eyes remained closed as his spoke, "Cheryl, I'm sorry for being a bother... I'll leave you alone from now on ok? You shall cease to exist for me."
"I'll still be your friend," I reassure his back.
"People who hurt me a lot... Cease to exist for me. You will cease to exist for me."
And with that, he pushed himself away from the wall and lurched down the hallway, in the opposite direction from which I'm standing.
Open my door, close it. Lock it firmly.
Switch on my lamp and my laptop.
Suffice to say, I am thoroughly chilled. The way he said that last sentence just freaks me out. Paranoid as it may seem, I am not going to walk alone in dark places from now on, and I am leaving my room door locked (am having visions of being smothered in my sleep). In fact, I just searched for A.N.G.E.L.S Society with no success. My wildest speculation is that it is a cult whose members kill the nice people they find so as to send them up to heaven to become angels. Or it could be some perfectly harmless peer support group... *SHRUG*
I can't remember the last time I felt this scared... Probably in Rome when i was walking home alone in the evening and a guy was following me on his motorcycle telling me to come with him... *shudder* and switzerland, walking through the train station around midnight (with weirdass people standing around smoking) and through an empty underpass to get back to my room. But I don't think i've ever felt like the main actress of a b-grade horror movie before.......... Seriously, if not for God, I would most probably have gotten raped, robbed or killed by now.
Lord continue to protect me please... Let your guardian angels watch over me and defend me, for i am weak.
3:48 PM
the boy with the beautiful eyes leaves me feeling unfulfilled sometimes... Its funny how he outwardly shuns commitment, but he seems to accept it and desire it more than I do! Like, he'd joke about being single and having lots of women and things like that, yet he was happy when i told him that my mum laughingly referred to him as my new boyfriend whereas I'm the one who goes, nooo he's not my new boyfriend!! And yesterday, he called me when I was asleep and realising that, immediately told me to go back to sleep. When i asked him later how he knew i was asleep, he said, "I know my girlfriend."
To be honest, i don't really think of him as my boyfriend at all and because of that, i haven't given my all to him. It says something that he thinks i have when there's so much more I would/could give of myself to him once i know for sure if I'd be staying at UVA. I guess this is what enjoying the moment is about... Just having companionship not knowing if it'd last forever or not. But the way it leaves me feeling half empty sometimes simply reinforces my desire for something powerful and permanent!
I'm totally clueless about love :p i think i need to do more salsa before I completely lose touch with my sexuality! lol.
Oh. I just realised something... I'm scared of what would happen when you yi and i meet up again at the end of the semester... Yup i'm scared.
2:49 AM
Thursday, April 12, 2007
I knew I shouldn't have gone for dinner tonight... I'm just supremely annoyed now. Honestly, I'm glad there's only 4 more wednesdays left for us to have dinner together. I don't think I want to hang around with them much. Robin is not so bad, he's immature, but not malicious. Kelvin overdoes the insulting sometimes, but he doesn't usually mean it in a bad way. But Ruyi n Boonhow are just one poisonous couple... Boonhow really appeared to mean it when he said nasty things about lihui last time, but in the "its true whaattt"-innocent-i'm just saying it the way it is- kind of way. And when Ru yi started joining in, it was like a free for all against li. I'm ashamed to admit that i laughed too sometimes. Its no wonder li decided not to join us for dinner anymore.
I guess I'm upset with ruyi too because of the way they all are trying to sneakily not go for my performance without telling me. The dynamics of the group are as such: If ru yi wants something, boon how will go along with her, and since they're both in, robin & kelvin will join in too. It is very obvious that she is the one who doesn't want to go for the Mahogany performance (firstly, she sent out the email asking if we want to go for some wine and cheese thing that night, 2ndly, when i asked her about it she just went like "err.." and mumbled something). So yes. Maybe this is being childish, but somehow, everything about her ticks me off now. The way she tries to act cute and the annoying way she speaks. *yucks* I don't really bitch about people (i think the ones I do are generally teachers and men), but she just rubs me the wrong way. *shudder*
10:42 AM
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
The SMU ppl are planning on going for some wine and cheese thing on friday :( even though i've been telling them about my performance for months. Sad.
9:16 PM
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
omg this is soooooooooooooo sensual. So hot. So sooo soooo good. I wanna dance like that :)
1:48 PM
You Yi's dance... He starts out at the bottom right and ends at the top left. Wow. This is really impressive... If anything, I would still dance with him :P
Darn it, why must he be so immature?? *Almost* perfect. hah.
1:46 PM
The past few days have passed in a breeze... With me in the blissful state of not caring about my school work and being happy just spending time with yi-xian. Friday, he overslept and missed class, so I walked over to his dorm and we cuddled and talked for almost 2 hours before going for lunch together :) Saturday he treated me for a delicious Indian curry dinner downtown before going back to lie lazily in bed, our tummies full and our bodies warm next to each other -contentment looks like that- we woke up later to watch the High School Musical with his roommate, which we both found rather cheesy, leading me to contemplate how far we've left our childhoods behind. Sunday, I had Mahogany pretty much the whole day (and night), while he had signed up for some hiking thing. He actually asked me to come over for awhile after that because he needed to see me (that might have been the first time he'd ever asked)! *smiles* And last night... Last night we hugged each other to sleep. I dimly recall him kissing me numerous times at the back of my head/neck and stroking me gently in the middle of the night, before hugging me tight and whispering "you're mine", when he thought I was asleep.
Mmmm... Happy. I do wish he'd seek me out more though, rather than vice versa. Anyways, I'm gonna be swamped with work the next few weeks :( been procrastinating too much and barely going for classes! Sigh... I'm waiting for him in the comm school computer lab now (somehow I'm always here on mondays & wednesdays when he has class), but as usual, I wait in vain :P oh well, more time to do my work!
6:06 AM
Sunday, April 08, 2007
Yix's blog with wq:
Saturday, June 03, 2006
transience
Verse 1
And I'd give up forever to touch you
Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now
Verse 2
And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight
Chorus
And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
Verse 3
And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything seems like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know your alive
Chorus
And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
Chorus
I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
Whenever we kiss. Not always. But during the better kisses. Iris comes to my head. Everything seems transient. Sometimes. You want to know why i'd like us to take a picture? Because there are days i wake up, and it feels too good to be true in some illogical way. How i've fallen this badly for you.
Moments when you we hold each other for extended periods of time. Or moments when you fall asleep on me (which have been reasonably often). They seem endless. Time slows down. Or maybe it speeds up, whatever, i'm just appreciating the moment.
The moment. Like the long hug we had after we got off the bus near your place a few weeks ago in the evening. We hugged. and time stood still. And we enjoyed it so much that we hugged many many multiple times after, even to the point that some bug dropped down on me.
Transience. In a ways. Pictures are the only proof we can have of an existance. Memory lies. We are visual being, and our mind works visually. The profile shot i have of you is what greets me every morning. And its sweet. You may not think that you look too flattering, but i beg to differ. You look angelic, as you already know.
In my dreams. In the ultimate plane of transience, you twirl around, like the dancer you are. Sometimes the dreams aren't too good. But you still twirl. With that flirty blue and white skirt of your's. Laying waste to the prim and proper organised order of my life.
I want you to know me. And i want to know you. In all totality. Its scary, right? But i want you to look at me in a different way the rest of the world does. To understand why i do the things i do. And i want to be able to do the same for you.
Its happening now. Slowly. And beautifully.
Sigh... I can't say I'm jealous of wq, coz i know she and yix are 'diametrically opposite' (as he says in this blog), but boy do i envy the love he had for her. I wonder what he thinks when he looks at me sometimes... Those rare moments where we just stare into each other eyes and the world could end right at that instance and I'd be happy. He has yet to tell me he loves me. I know he cares for me deeply and that actions shout louder than words, but words are powerful nonetheless. We watched the High School Musical with his roommate last night till 4+ am. Such a cheesy show but it has nice songs :) Didn't sleep very well after that so i'm feeling really realllyy tired right now.
Today is Easter Sunday. The day that Christ arose from his 3-day entombment after dying on the cross for our sins. Today is a day of joy and rebirth, of miracles and truth. Hmhmm... Tired.
10:05 PM
eh. i really hate your ex boyfriend, can. i hate the way he makes you seem irrational and the heartless break up-per. i hate the way he makes himself look so freaking piteous all the time like nothing's his fault and everything came crashing around his ears. i hate his indiscretion in LETTING EVERYONE KNOW I COPIED BITS OF HIS BLOG TO SHOW YOU. just so people know that i'm a connivingly backstabbing friend who wants to pour gas all over the fire and make sure that bridges are burnt good and proper. i hate that he makes himself look like the wide eyed, innocent, believing bystander who got the brunt of everything that happened.
he's not. he's a complete jack ass fucker and i'm sorry i didn't tell you this earlier.
"wonder why li suddenly searched for my blog..should i password protect this?"
WHAT THE FLYING FUCK. your freaking blogs were linked. and honestly i felt damn bad for him cause he was so fi-like in his "sadness" but i kept reading more and more into things and CAUSE I AM YOUR BEST FRIEND, i decided you should know. i'm not defaming him or anything like that and i think he has NO RIGHT to put that up. i am fucking pissed off and it's like 2 days before my exam. and this is his fault.
he's a self pitying self righteous self absorbed son of a fucking bitch and i really am so pissed off right now. blogs aren't meant for heat of the moment things when you write for everyone to see and everyone to read and you make it such that your petty, wrong assumptions fall into other peoples hands, people who know me and don't know me. what is ningyan going to think of me? i'm some scavenging best friend who's trying to make sure i KILL the relationship?
fuck him. seriously. i am so pissed right now it's not even remotely funny.
You yi had no freakin' right to do this! He is acting like such a spoilt child!! I sent him an email basically explaining to him how he has screwed my life up the past few weeks and told him to grow up. Well, i don't know if he's seen it yet but i won't be talking to him till late tonight.
Yix and I just went for a delicious curry dinner :) He is happy and currently lying in his bed reading the menu of the indian place. Haha. Such a sweetheart :)
9:03 AM