Saturday, March 24, 2007
This is pretty awesome! I'm feeling good... First day of singlehood and i'm feeling completely lighthearted and satisfied :)
I think i can attribute it entirely to the Christian fellowship party i went to just now :) :) it was really good... Everyone was so friendly and i got along with them quite well. Colvin invited me to it. It's a combination of the Chinese Christian Fellowship (CCF) and the Chinese Gospel Church (CGC) having dinner and getting to know each other better. It was held at a Dory & Wright's house (i'm probably spelling their names wrong) and they were missionaries in Taiwan for 9 years so their chinese is sooo much better than mine! Wright is like the advisor to CCF. So this sunday I'll be joining Shuang Ning (who's part of CCF too) at her church, Trinity. And I'll join her bible study group thursdays and the CCF large group meetings every other friday.
Thank you Lord... You work really fast... Haha.
I feel like my life is getting back on track again -smiles- but i worry for You Yi though... I feel guilty for getting myself together at the expense of his emotional well-being! A clean break would be good, but i do so want to remain friends... And honestly i'm not sure if he has the strength for that =/
Lord please help you yi through this difficult time... Be with him, comfort him and help him see Your love in His life not just through me but directly from You to him. Thank you Father for all the miracles You've worked in my life. I pray that You'd continue to use me for Your purpose and strenghten me for all that is to come. In Jesus's most precious name i pray... Amen.
1:04 PM
Friday, March 23, 2007
I have been thinking a lot lately and i think i need to engage people in meaningful conversations. Conversations like those i have with liyana & like those i used to have with Andee & Yee Yen. And with Flora when i was in primary 4 & 5 (i can't believe we actually talked about the meaning of life at 10 years old... we were really good friends! i wonder where she is now?) Conversations to get to know people better than the "how are you?" that people automatically spout out whenever they pass someone they know. Most of the time they don't even expect an answer =/
I am officially single now. I am single, I am free. I don't regret anything I've ever done in life (except setting foot on stage in the middle of Orchard Road and completely freezing up in front of a few hundred people). There are a few things I would have tried to improve, yes, like not losing my virginity before i marry, but when it all boils down to it, my life is everything that I've made it to be... All my choices have led me down the path to where i am now, and my experiences along that path have shaped me into who i am now. And I'm fine with that.
Looking back, i realise that i haven't been making very good choices out here on my own in 'beautiful' America. I have let loose a lot and let my id take control (id in the sense of Freud's id, ego and super ego) so though i feel more 'at home' with myself, i also feel as if I'm not doing this right. What happened to the guai, church-going, idealistic, optimistic me? The baser side of me is really the wilder, darker side of me that i really need to learn, not to control, but to live with. Put myself together again & be the best of both worlds. Dance like no one's watching, sing like i've never sung before and love like i've never been hurt. But i also need to have faith in God's love and love with all the love He's given me. I told You Yi that i wanted to be mine (not his) but more, that i want to be God's child. Have the innocence of a child but the strength of a god. Wow. I'm asking for a lot aren't I?
| 3/23/2007 | 1:24:12 AM | from autumn to ashes | .: ck :. | maybe you're supposed to be the one to save him. | ||||
| 3/23/2007 | 1:24:47 AM | .: ck :. | from autumn to ashes | i wish... | ||||
| 3/23/2007 | 1:24:52 AM | .: ck :. | from autumn to ashes | i really really really wish i could | ||||
| 3/23/2007 | 1:25:09 AM | .: ck :. | from autumn to ashes | =( | ||||
| 3/23/2007 | 1:25:23 AM | from autumn to ashes | .: ck :. | we'll see how.. | ||||
| 3/23/2007 | 1:25:35 AM | from autumn to ashes | .: ck :. | maybe he'll be the one to save you. | ||||
| 3/23/2007 | 1:26:20 AM | .: ck :. | from autumn to ashes | haha me? | ||||
| 3/23/2007 | 1:26:25 AM | .: ck :. | from autumn to ashes | i don't need saving | ||||
| 3/23/2007 | 1:26:29 AM | .: ck :. | from autumn to ashes | i can conquer the world | ||||
| 3/23/2007 | 1:26:31 AM | .: ck :. | from autumn to ashes | =) | ||||
| 3/23/2007 | 1:26:56 AM | from autumn to ashes | .: ck :. | haha everyone needs to be saved. | ||||
| 3/23/2007 | 1:27:13 AM | from autumn to ashes | .: ck :. | that's why we have God. and that's why God made other people. to save everyone. | ||||
| 3/23/2007 | 1:28:07 AM | from autumn to ashes | .: ck :. | jo saved me from a life of mediocrity. | ||||
| 3/23/2007 | 1:28:47 AM | from autumn to ashes | .: ck :. | and i saved him from losing faith in himself. | ||||
| 3/23/2007 | 1:30:28 AM | .: ck :. | from autumn to ashes | wow | ||||
| 3/23/2007 | 1:30:35 AM | .: ck :. | from autumn to ashes | me... i wanna save people's souls |
I realise that what i told Delia & Mummy when i first got together with You Yi and started bringing him to church still holds true. Even if we don't work out, I'd be happy just saving his soul. The same holds true for every single person I've ever loved who's not a Christian (even some people i don't love :p). Selfishly, its because i want to be together with my loved ones in Heaven. I want them to experience the same joy, the same bliss I feel in God's love. Selfishly, its because the thought of people i know 'burning' in hell for all eternity pains me to no end, so in order not to pain i should try my best to make sure they don't burn in hell right? But that's just my faulty human perspective. Yes indeedy-do.
Perhaps the way i saw myself 20 years down the road (before i met you yi) will come true after all... Me by myself in a nice cosy condo with a room full of books :) That would be my home. And i would have a nice job and care for my parents, my grandparents and my aunt to the end of their days.
But that's just the cushy side of it. I've known, since i was in primary school, that i want to make a Difference in the world. I can see myself in Africa, bringing hope to the forsaken; I can see myself in China, in the hills and gullies that have escaped civilization, building a library and teaching children how to read; i can see myself in Iraq, comforting the wounded in hospitals... i can see myself, i can see myself......
But would i actually do all that? Since i've never actually tried it yet i don't know if i could stand doing it for the rest of my life. Still, i need to stop being such a pragmatic singaporean!! Follow my heart, not the money! =/ ok, if i transfer here, i will:
1. study very VERY hard
2. join Madison house
3. join the UNSA here (if they have one... if not, Amnesty International or something)
4. continue on with the outdoors club and mahogany
5. make more non-singaporean friends
Wow this post has been a whole mix and jumble of stuff that I've been thinking about :P
Apart from reading the news everyday, i think i shall endeavor to post something i find interesting (that does not have a direct relationship with my life) every time i blog. Learn something new everyday :)
Hmm... Okay. Today's news say that despite the breakdown in US negotiations with N.Korea over ending its nuclear program, they still appear committed to do so once the US side of the bargain has been met.
Stalinism: political & economic theory by Joseph Stalin that includes the extensive use of propaganda to establish a personality cult around an absolute dictator as well as the use of a secret police to maintain social submission. (N.Korea is currently under a Stalinist regime.)
Communism is an ideology that seeks to establish a classless, stateless society based on common ownership of means of production. Stalinism, Marxism, Leninism, Maoism etc are all forms of communist ideologies.
Ok i think that's enough for one post. My mind is feeling a lot less heavy now... yay :) unfortunately, i didn't get any work done at all -_- gotta study harder tmr & remember to give my parents a call.
3:09 PM
I'm tired of being the initiator... If he wants me, he can darn well come and get me.
6:55 AM
Oh God... my Lord my Lord, do not forsake me!
This is weird, this is very weird. Of all the things I expected to feel here, neediness & unhappiness are probably the last ones on the list =/ sigh... BIG SIGH. i do not feel loved. that's the crux of the matter. i do not feel loved.
Time for a change... Loving like i did before didn't work. All that outpouring of love without reciprocration has left me feeling emptier instead. Back to looking out for myself & not hoping for anything.
Saving Jane - Come Down to Me
Words fall out of my mouth
And I can’t seem to trace what I’m saying
Everybody wants your time
I’m just dreaming out loud,
I can’t have you for mine and I know it
I just wanna watch you shine.
Tripping up on my tongue,
It’s all over my face and I’m racing
Gotta get away from you
Burning all the way home,
Try to put it to bed but it chases
Every little thing I do
When the light falls on your face,
Don’t let it change you
When the stars get in your eyes,
Don’t let them blind you.
[CHORUS]
You’re beautiful
Just the way you are
And I love it all
Every line, and every scar
And I wish that I could make you see
This is where you ought to be,
Come down to me.
Spell it out in a song,
Bet you never catch on to my weakness
I’m singing every word for you.
Here I’m thinking I’m sly
Then you’re catching my eye, and just maybe
You’re thinking what I’m thinking too
When you see it on my face, Don’t let it shake you
I know better than to try and Take you with me.
[CHORUS X1]
4:45 AM
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
i am feeling a lot better :) alot alot better... thanks to my sweet rainbow, who brought along an apple & apologized for not being very colourful :) :) :) *HUG*
darn him! for a moment there i thought i had it all figured out... i was going to let it cool off and tell him that i don't think we can work out etc etc and go home, cry, get over it (repress it or whatever) and move on.
But he had to come over to hug me and be the sweetest guy on earth and make me think it could happen... argh... Li's right. I'm getting so soo cynical... I used to be the most optimistic, idealistic & romantic person around!! I wonder what happened, and when? I like my rainbow... *smiles happily* i can't decide if he's making me more or less cynical though! haha... i'm trying to be good for him. I really am :P
i told him aishitero. i love him but i also love you yi : how could that possibly be the case?! so li asked me who i was IN love with. And i'm really not sure. For me, just BEING with the person matters a LOT!! So i feel more for whoever's physically closer to me. A solution would be to compare who i'm happier with when they're both around, but at this point, i don't think they should be in the same state at all :p I think right now, i still love You Yi more, for all that he is, for all that we've shared... But yixian... yixian is pretty amazing :) i really need to get to know him better though... I hope he opens up to me more. He doesn't want to tell me stuff coz he feels that i would get extremely jealous but, i don't think i would anymore, so long as he makes me feel secure. Its not what he tells me that matters, but the simple fact that he's telling it to me and sharing his life with me that counts.
So.
Note to self:
be there for him. show him i love him and that that's not going to change. be myself, the self that gives my all in every relationship, but don't smother him (i feel like i'm trying to train a skittish horse or something! girls really shouldn't have to do this... haha).
love love love... begone cynicalism & jadism!
lovelovelovelovelovelove... :)
1:43 PM
i thought depression was for teenage girls! i'm too old for this darn it!! now i'm depressed AND cynical =/
crying in bed again... when was the last time i did this??
11:59 AM
Choice 1
stay in Singapore
save mummy & papa a lot of money
no problems with the braces
get back with You Yi
finish up SMU in a year & a half
graduate with double major in Econ & Finance (& hopefully magna cum laude)
work for 2-3 years
do a Masters in something or other
get a better job
get married
have kids
blah blah blah for the rest of my life
Choice 2
transfer to UVA
MAYBE get together with yixian (i'm still... uncertain... about this..)
graduate in 1.5-2 years
work in NY with one heckuva paycheck :P
do Masters in US (pay my way please)
... not sure what will happen after this :p
So it all boils down to... do i want to be safe and secure? Live an average singaporean lifestyle for the rest of my life?
Or...
Do i want to take chances, invest in uncertainty for what might be a higher payoff in future?
I never was a very big risk-taker... But this is a choice of a lifetime!
I'm in a limbo now... Transfer application results are released May 1st. I really really want to get in, but the risk-averse part of me (and the part which doesn't like to make decisions) hopes that I won't so my path would be decided for me.
But I want this. Although getting in would make the rest of my life one huge question mark, its also the fulfillment of my childhood dreams... study in america, work here & earn big money... true its not quite the same (eg. i'm at UVA & not Harvard :p) and my motivations have changed (earning money to live luxuriously by myself --> earning to support my parents, take care of my sister and start a family) but I've always wanted this...
I don't know... I don't know...
3:32 AM
Monday, March 19, 2007
ahh i'm so very very happy now :)
John Paul Jones arena is the BEST arena i've ever been to, as is Justin Timberlake's Futuresex concert!! WOohoooOoO... the only thing that could have possibly made it better would be going with yixian instead of lee keong because he dances better ;) grinz! Soooo awesome... i have to go for more concerts from now on =)
2nd thing: Kiet (racially vietnamese but actually swedish staying in Bath on exchange to UVA this sem & Kelvin's roommate) told me that his friend says i'm on the top 10 list of girls staying at IRC :P i know its a pretty silly & superficial thing to be happy about, but it made my night nonetheless -smilez- i really like Kiet! He's like my andee here :) he knows about my 'complicated' relationship and (unlike hunwoo who, by his words, is "well aware" that i'm seeing someone yet tried to kiss me for over an hour) he just wants to be better friends, which i really like =)
I feel as if i'm coming into myself! Like becoming more whom i'm supposed to be... not that that solves any of the confusion in my life, but it does mean i'm comfortable with myself & pretty secure too. I don't know how long this is gonna last, but i sure am going to enjoy it while it does!! :)
*many hugs & kisses to my dear ones* i miss you so...
2:19 PM
whoa i'm 71.4% pure... that's more than i thought :p (yix failed this test.. haha)
6:31 AM
i'm tired... and have been neglecting my work. too much on my mind...
realised after last night that my friends aren't really my friends, in the sense that i can't trust them to watch out for me. except yix... and possibly candice. yeah. quite a sad revelation... i miss my best friend. and my dog :p
6:01 AM
Sunday, March 18, 2007
Tonight really didn't turn out the way I thought it would :p
The birthday party was pretty cool but not very happening. Just people standing around drinking, chatting and playing beer pong. No dancing! :( Went with Kiet (cool swedish guy), Lu (or is it Loo?) and 2 other guys from my dorm. Lu & I ended up leaving early coz i was kinda bored and wanted to join the other Singaporeans.
Anyway we were supposed to go to a frat party with yix, but he didn't know where it was so we couldn't join him. As such, Helen, Clara, Russell, Guan Ming, Lu & I ended up at the KSA after-party at Sakura. There, we met HunWoo, the Korean guy whom I was supposed to go to Miami with initially. Anyway, long story short, he brought Helen, Guan Ming & I to a Latin house party after Sakura closed and started hitting on me =/ Helen & Guan Ming got bored and left without telling me... And i really didn't want to be there alone with Hunwoo so i asked him to bring me home. All the way back, he was trying to get me to kiss him! And he wasn't drunk. Sigh... He's really very sweet and he does appear to have a serious crush on me (i had to say no like 50 times), but i already have one too many on my mind and that is definitely too many!! Thank God he's Christian & he wasn't drunk or he could have totally taken advantage of me. 4am is not a good time to be alone with a guy i don't want *whew*
America really is a land of opportunities... I doubt I'd be without a guy here if i wanted one.
But all i want is one.
One nice, loving, Christian boy to settle down and make a home with... two/three kids and a dog. A good job that i enjoy so i can support my parents and my children. Love...
Yup. That's all i want.
4:12 PM
It's been so long since I've last blogged... Wow. So much has happened since then that I really don't know how to start... I wish I had blogged more so that I'd be able to remember more of what happened this past 9 months or so in the future. But all I have left are my unreliable memories of my life :P
Anyway, i feel different.
Not different different -the core of myself is still the same, i believe- yet the experiences that have enriched my life settle down layer upon layer onto my soul... In fact, at this very point in time, i feel very much myself. Like even though I'm doing things most people would consider wrong, i feel... happy. (just goes to show that i'm sinful by nature, haha). I know this state can't last, but i'm trying to enjoy it while it does.
Glancing back at my past entries, i can vividly remember all the angst and the pain that i channelled into this blog to keep them from spilling over in reality, yet it also brings to mind the beautiful parts of the life I had then (which i selfishly kept for myself to revel in then rather than blogging them down for later); such as the thrill of being in a canoepolo match, the happiness of liking someone and having that someone like you back (even though that didn't work out.lol), the camaraderie of friends etc etc.
I'm a lot less angsty now... Actually, i don't think I'm angsty at all!! Lol. Still a little insecure (ie i get jealous and possessive), but I'm really trying hard not to be!!! And succeeding somewhat i think :) Come on, when my (ex)boyfriend tells me that he was close enough to some other girl LAST semester (he didn't tell me about it then) for her to tell him she likes him, and when i stumble across facebook messages between him and another girl whom he used to watch porn with saying perhaps they should start seeing each other, i believe i have sufficient reason to get jealous right? But i'm fine, considering...
We broke up because:
1. I needed space.
2. I really feel he needs to get a life that does not revolve entirely around me (i know its sweet, but its also very unhealthy!)
3. I'm not willing to give up as much for him as he is for me (it's unfair to him... perhaps there's another girl out there who could give him more without me around?)
4. I'm torn.
Anyways, I don't know... It may/maynot be a permanent break up as we still have feelings for each other, but i guess this is like some time off. After all, we'd definitely still be travelling together in summer! So... :p
I realise I'm still an escapist at heart :P I used to escape through books -i relish good novels- and competitive sports, but now it appears i have neither =/ school has left me too busy to read and i simply haven't found another good sport yet. Instead, my mind has sought its own escape through dreams. Its *almost* as good as books coz i get to be in the story :) the only shortcoming is that dreams last for only minutes at a time, and i have to wake up.
Mmm... I realise i haven't updated my future self reading this blog as to my status!
I'm currently on exchange to the Mcintire School of Commerce, UVA, applying for transfer to finish the rest of my degree here :) *pray for the finances to do so*
I stay at the International Residential College (IRC, Gwathmey) and it's the coolest place to live! (we get free food very often, haha, and a lot of programs and stuff) My roommate is a very nice, hardworking ABK (American-born Korean) named Erin Kim and I admit -and feel rather guilty too- for the shocks i've given her so far :P the rest of the Singaporean ppl from SMU stay here too and we cook regularly on Wednesdays to get in touch with our roots (ie. eat Singaporean food and speak in Singlish together:)
My good friends here are mostly Singaporean (I'd like to get to know more Caucasians really... expand my horizons). Yi xian, Guan ming, Shu En, Candice... Yix is more acian than he cares to admit (but less so in some ways) and thus a danger to the female population. GM is a boy who likes to drink, smoke weed, eat, play computer games and has a lesbian poster on his wall, but he's smart and amusing nonetheless :) Shu En is the born mummy! She's small, sweet and cute, cooks awesome food and is loved by everyone. Candice and I are suprisingly similar in some ways and completely different in others :P we went on the Carnival cruise together during spring break from miami to the Cayman Islands and Jamaica and it was one of the best holidays I've had!! Actually, i realise i enjoy my holidays a lot more when they're without my parents... Lol. Anyway, we have completely different tastes in clothes and men, but we're both over-achieving Rafflesians with apparently similar goals in life =)
The courses I'm taking are mostly econ courses: International Trade, Industrial Organization, Game Theory, Money & Banking and Personality Psychology. Since grades aren't counted (YAY!!!) i'm overloading just to clear credits so my aim is not to fail each course! hahah okay la, trying to get Bs can? -grin-
The things I do here are... hmm.... Study (Club Clemons rock!), hang out with friends, PARTY, travel... I am satisfied :) Anyways, talking about the party bit, today is St. Patricks day so tonight is when everyone gets drunk! I still try not to drink (so much), but I'll be going out for a birthday party and hopefully a frat party :)
Now i remember why i don't post much... This entry took up my past one hour! Haha... As Alvin once said: your blogging rate is inversely proportional to what goes on in your life. I shall try to blog more often though and have some life to go with it :) Off to shower and party now! *smiles*
thank you Lord
7:53 AM