Friday, October 19, 2007
ok so he says we'll make it work... Well, i'm willing to try and I hope he does too. *loves*
Finance exam today... *sigh*
Dominion project1 due soon... *double sigh*
9:21 PM
Sigh... Why is love so miserable? I guess this is only what I deserve, given that its the receiving end of how you yi and i were last time.
Well I'm not you yi. I'm nowhere near as good as he is in terms of steadfastness and patience and selflessness.
I love you, ng yi-xian. But you have neither the time nor the effort to spare me. So this is it then. I doubt we'd ever run into each other in school since all those times we did was when I made the effort to look for you.
I hope you find someone as independent as you need her to be. You're a good man. I'm sorry I had to love/need you so much but I couldn't help it though I really tried. Goodbye...
6:06 AM
Thursday, October 18, 2007
I HATE YOU. IhateyouIhateyouIhateyouIhateyouIhateyouIhateyouIhateyouIhateyouIhateyou.
You hurt me so fucking much. I've tried so F-ing much to be who you want me to be. To not disturb you while you're working, to be there when you need me. BUT I'M NOT A MACHINE. I can't be turned on and off, to love you when you need me to, to be there only when you have time for me. I'm really sorry, but I can't! I need you too!! And I try not to because you make me feel like it's wrong to need you. You say you're just joking, so when are you serious if you're joking all the time? Why is it wrong for me to need you when I'm emotionally committed to you?
Yes, commitment. We love each other and by that we're passively committed to each other. And we agreed that we'll try despite the horrible timing and the workload. So I try to be committed to you, not just actively, but passively as well! I WANT to be committed to you. I want to be with you, cook for you, massage you when you're stressed, talk to you to get to know you more. But frankly, you never have time for me. Sure you say you spend more time with me than anyone else besides your comm group. Well I spend more time with you than with anyone else INCLUDING my comm group, heartless bastard. You're the kind of husband who would spend 85% of his day working, 10% doing the "necessary things" as you termed it and 5% with his family. I agree that it's right for the man to work to support the family, BUT NOT THAT WORK COMES BEFORE THE FAMILY. I don't expect to come before your work, esp since we're just "boyfriend and girlfriend" (oh wait, scratch that... we WERE), but I would like more than 1% of your time. I would like to spend time with you apart from sleeping and eating. And I don't think that's an excessive demand.
I know you try, I'm not attempting to undermine your efforts... But I'm just saying it's not enough! You admitted it yourself: You're lazy.
Yes I know you're stressed, that's why I don't insist on meeting you everyday or insist on you calling me everyday, to say good night at least (I tried insisting on that awhile back, but you said didn't see the point in it and it failed so i let it go)... But it takes a HUGE emotional toll on me. A HUGE HUGE HUGE HUGE HUGE and bloody painful toll. Work has me stressed out too. I don't know who is more stressed out. Maybe you are, maybe I am. I have to be the driver of my group (this is emotionally stressful as well), you're mostly following. You have ASB and Comm council, I have ballroom and salsa training. Grades matter to you, but it HAS to matter even more to me! You joke/complain (i'm not even attempting to distinguish this anymore) that I'm uber-competitive, but haven't you considered that maybe I just HAVE to be and I don't want to be? I HAVE to get an internship and a job, both for myself and my parents. So I HAVE to get not just good, but excellent grades because I don't have a freakin' company waiting for me to take over when I get home???!!
I hate you for all the stress you're causing me. I hate you for all the hurt and pain and loneliness you've caused and are causing me. I hate you because I love you and I hate myself because I couldn't help falling in love with you and because I can't stop loving you despite the pain.
You said, "I spend more time with you than with anyone else except my comm group! I barely spend time with anyone else!" Just so you know, that also says two things. (1) You hold it against me that you don't have time to spend with anyone else (2) you don't actually want to spend that time with me and you're only doing it because I insisted or you feel you have to "because you're my boyfriend" (I hate that phrase, by the way, because it means that you don't actually want to do it and won't if not for the status). And that hurts me even more. I never said that to you nor held time spent with you against you because I want to. The more time we could spend together, the happier I'd be! And that applies to all the other things you've been "keeping score of".
You say you'd rather I be happy for a year than you get an A+? Well I'm sorry, but actions speak louder than words. It's been almost a year and I've always been on the periphery of your life. I'm always who you spend time with if you have "extra time" not who you make time to spend with. In Singapore it was your family and friends. Here its your work and other commitments. And I'm not even a close 2nd fiddle which is also why I can't handle it.
You want all the benefits without having to deal with the costs. I'm sorry that there has to be costs... Perhaps if you really loved me you won't see them as costs but unfortunately you do and you complain/joke/hold them against me. Well I'm sick and tired of all that. I fucked up accounting and carnival and am on my way to fucking up finance and dominion as well. I hate this. You think I'm not stressed? You want me to spell everything out for you, claiming that you can't be expected to figure it out yourself then complain/joke/hold it against me when I do. The way I see it, you don't even try to figure it out yourself. Stupidity is not an excuse.
I love you, i love you, i love you... But I don't think I can survive loving you over the long run. Why must you make it so difficult? You're never going to read this anyway. You're too F-ing BUSY doing project work. I can't take this anymore. I'm strong, but not that strong, and you're taking up all my strength. *cries* I can't... I really can't.
12:46 PM
Monday, October 15, 2007
Sigh. I think I shall just focus on my own stuff and not think about him since that's what he seems to be doing.
I'm really excited about the Halloween weekend at DC! I can't wait to see what the others dress up in and I can't wait for my costume to arrive! :D Catching up on work after the weekend will be horrible though...
And there's gonna be a ballroom dance competition the weekend after. My first dance competition ever! That will be pretty exciting, except that I'm nervous coz i don't think there'd be much time to practice. International Standard, International Latin, American Smooth and American Rhythm are the categories with different dances in each. 16 different dances altogether I think. Whew!
Also, today's salsa practice was awesome! Joon is a lot stronger than he looks ;) but the social at night wasn't much fun without the usual gang. It didn't help that 3 different guys asked me where my boyfriend was and expressed amazement/disgust that he doesn't dance. Nor was it fun walking home alone after some drunk black guy proposed to me while I waited for yix to pick up his bloody phone.
Time to sleep. I miss my friends in Singapore. And I miss Amber. I miss love.
2:41 PM