Thursday, May 10, 2007
My exams end tomorrow... I dropped off my enrollment deposit today... Everything seems so surreal all of a sudden. I can't believe I'm actually coming back here next semester. Wow. I'm kinda scared and kinda worried. Esp about my grades and the housing thing. Mmm... But God will provide.
You Yi is here. And unfortunately he has very good physique. And he still loves me so very much. I feel sad and guilty.
I went to study at the library with Yix and as usual, he walked me back. And walked in to say hi to you yi =/ I guess its my fault... I thought you yi could take it but he still loves me. Despite knowing that I cheated on him, despite knowing that I love yi-xian and have already made love to him, he loves me. He wants me to be happy and if that means being with yi-xian then its for me to decide. You Yi is... a really good man. He deserves someone better than me. Sinful ol' me. I pray that God will reward him for his love and faithfulness and patience because he deserves something for all that I've put him through.
I really do love yix though... You yi tried to kiss me when I admitted that I have missed him somewhat, but i refused. And he asked me to lie down with him for awhile and feeling bad for him, I complied, but got up again after a few seconds because it just didn't feel right. His shoulder is not Yi-xian's shoulder, his arms are not yix's arms. Our relationship is going pretty well... The night you yi was due to arrive, he refused to let me out of his arms and told me he loved me 4 times in less than 3 hours! :) :) He also said that if you yi put his hand on my waist while i'm cooking then I'm supposed to slap yy coz he's the only one allowed to touch me. Lol... Still waters run deep. I'm just living for the present now... The future will become the present soon enough without me having to worry so much about it.
Guide us, Lord, in all Your wisdom and mercy, please be with us and show us the way...
10:52 PM
Monday, May 07, 2007
I'm tired but I can't sleep... Done studying money & banking and moving on to game theory now. sighs... Lord please don't let my grades be counted... Please. Everything's all set for me to come here. SMU is fading and UVA seems more real. Please don't let me stumble on the last hurdle, don't trip me with this tiny stone.
On a different note, You Yi will be here by tonight. Everyone expects it to be awkward and i suppose it will be even though i wish it weren't. I wonder what it'd feel like, seeing him again? To be honest i'm looking forward to it a little... Its hard not to miss someone who's been so much a part of my life for almost 2 years. Even now, we were playing animaro the past few day, just like old times :p I think we might end up together in the long run =/ i don't know... Whatever it is, I'm *kinda* with yix now... And if i transfer to uva, it'd prob stay that way for the next 2 years at least :p mmm... i can't wait for this week to be over. This week, everything will be decided and exams will be over, i can't wait. Hahs.
Yix is such a good guy. When Bjorn told him about his dad passing away, he immediately offered to go back with him to Seattle even though he already had plans for Singapore, but he changed his flight and shifted everything back for his friend. Just now, he told me that his ex's family is in financial difficulties, so he offered to help out at her dad's hawker stall. This from the guy who's invited to Asia's Millionaires parties and wants for nothing... This is him. He puts others before himself more than he realizes or more than he wants to admit. If he were greek, he'd be a spartan. And he would ROCK.
Mmm... I shall shower now and grab breakfast. I pray everything goes well... I pray for strength and wisdom. And I pray this week ends soon.
7:09 PM
Sunday, May 06, 2007
I'm really upset with lee keong and the rest of the smu ppl right now. Yes, it was my fault because I overslept... Lee said to be ready by 3, but i was still asleep at 3.15 when Robin came to tell me that he was coming. So i rushed out of bed to change & brush my teeth and stuff, & while i was in the toilet robin called me from outside saying that they were waiting. So i said give me 5 mins more, coz i was halfway changing. I finished, grabbed my bag and rushed down by 3.25, but no one was there anymore. I looked up and down at every single car but they weren't there. I tried to call robin (coz his was the only number i had on my singapore phone), but he didn't pick up. So i tried to see if i could catch a cab but there weren't any cabs around. Giving up, i went back to my room at 3.40 and called Lee Keong. Shu En picked up the phone and told me lee keong was in a bad mood and that he said he was waiting for half an hour. She asked me if i wanted yellow cab's number to go and join them. I was like, no thanks, its okay. I mean, why watch with a bunch of ppl who don't want to watch with me? I told her to try and sell my ticket but if cannot, i'd pay him back (i doubt they'd try).
Whatever.
F*** lah... And my grades may be counted towards my gpa if i stay here. And i just checked one of my grades and its a B (industrial org). I'm prob gonna get a B for everything and except for game theory, in which I'd prob get a C =/ i really really pray that my grades won't be counted... how fair is it to tell me that it would be right smack in the middle of my exams?? Stupid. *stressed*
On a brighter side, yix came to the library at 3am last night just so he could see me. Although when I asked him why he did so after he walked me back, he said he felt like he should or he won't be a good boyfriend. So i was like, you felt like you should or you wanted to? And he said he felt "compelled to". Oh yeah, and we finally kissed. Twice. Once at the library and once outside my room. He actually noticed that we hadn't kissed in "damn long" (his words exactly). Lol. He asked if i was satisfied and before i could answer, said "no right?" and laughed. Well... I don't know if 'compelled to' is a good answer. And my sister called me this morning and told me not to get too close to him coz she doesn't approve... Haha. Hmm... I still don't think of him as my boyfriend yet. He misses huang di. He said he wants many many dogs next time. Big dogs. Doberman, german shepards... I said i want a dalmation and a husky, and now that i think about it, a lassie would be nice too or that big white dog in amber's obedience class. I like golden retrievers, but they're overrated :p
Li, li, what can you do about jo? Either he's stupid and he doesn't know the power that nice words and actions from a guy can have over a woman, or he's smart and he's playing you all... Really. What joyce said about for all she knows, he could be making out with random girls in his uni, sounds suspiciously as if he had promised her otherwise. And the other girl telling him about a girl she likes whom you suspect is him? Girls don't tell guys they like them unless they feel that the guy likes them back, at least to a certain extent... Not at this age. That would be jo leading them on. Intentionally or unintentionally, i don't know. Even if its unintentionally and he's just being 'nice', I worry that even IF he takes that step and tells you he loves you, he'd still do that to other girls... Completely inappropriate and hurtful to both them and you. He seriously needs to learn how to control himself and how to treat women. That is why i don't approve of him... Because he doesn't give you enough of himself, because he doesn't fight with/for you, because he leads girls on, because he takes advantage of you in taking what you give without giving back, because he's not strong, because he hurts you and makes you sad... There are so many becauses. You deserve so much better, best friend. *hug* You don't have to settle for andee if he doesn't make you as happy as jo could, but that doesn't mean that jo's the right one either.
Take your time girl... You're still young. Be happy with what life gives you and don't make yourself unnecessarily unhappy by wanting what it doesn't. We've got each other and we've got God. He'd take care of us :)
3:57 AM