Saturday, July 26, 2003
Just came back fr pc n pigged out on durians, rambutans, icecream n profitorles (?)!!! *gRInZ*
Wahh!!!!! SO FUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
OMG kenta hoya is HANDSOME! like seriously heartbreakingly bREatHtaKingLY GORGEOUS!!!!! I am SPEECHLESS! there are no words to describe kenta hoya, the captain of the men's jap canoepolo team :D :D *bEEg GrINZ* :D LOL... seriously, i was at pc office, n this guy came in... broad shouldered, muscular, tanned... i DID NOT KNOW HE WAS KENTA HOYA!!! Like hello???? Whenever cheng mentioned 'kenta hoya' and 'he's dem good', i ALWAYS thought KH would be some old pro... maybe in his forties or something, with yEArs of experience under his wing, but nooooooooooooo...!! He's 27 (this year), been playing since he was 15, lives in tokyo and works as a systems engineer for Honda... ;) heehehehehehehehehe~
Oh my goodness gracious me oh my... he's the best looking guy i've seen since............ aragorn??? and the best looking i've seen with my own eyes since.......... never??????????? LOL *grinz* muahahahahaha.... his eyes are bEyoNd BEAUTIFUL!!! They are... a charming shade of hazel, sparkling like a calm lake on a bright crisp spring morn... and when he smiles, the exquisite lake ripples with laughter, sending waves of warmth through anyone looking into it, shining from depths unknown, hinting mysterious treasures hidden beneath...
Oh him..!! Even when he's not smiling, when he looks at you, it seems his eyes seem to pierce right through you, seeing into the very substance of your soul, stripping away layers upon layers of deceptive facades and finding the core of who you are.... and he'd smile. sweetly. his whole face conveying his sincerity and unaffected tenderness... and he is not arrogant at ALL!!!!! Seriously! He's a superb player, he plays canoepolo like nobody's business, he surpasses even cheng (they're de same age) yet he's sooo... NICE!
He's friendly, funny and he tries really hard! like he's totally sincere about teaching us, never even mEnTioNinG the cost... and he really reallly really makes an effort to communicate with us in english so as to put across his explanations effectively!! haha, suddenly i have this burning desire to learn jap!!! *gRInZ* lol... yeah he came into the office and i was so SHOCKeD!! different ppl have different tastes, different views of what is considered handsome and good-looking, but i can safely say he's in the 'above average' range for EVERYONE!!!! ;) heehee! me, i was sEvEReLY affected :P he LITERALLY took my breath away!!! he's jap, but not your average jap guy now... not fair cute and skinny-sissyish 'shuai ge' that you see on tv nowadays, but the strong, samurai-warrior type!!!! :D *fans herself vigorously* like OMG he's the antithesis of everything i expected him to be (except skill-wise of course)~!! like his heartfelt way of speaking and joking, his genuine attempt at friendship.... *pulse races* i have no idea why he's affecting me like this!! it's not just his looks! looks count for nothing in the end... but more of the intense magnetism emanating from him, drawing me inexorably towards him like a moth drawn to the enticing warmth of the flame, lured by it's vibrant and pulsating energy and radiance..
when i saw him, 2 seconds later i smsed grace, telling her "quick quick! teach me how to say 'welcome to singapore' in jap!!!" lol! she didn't reply so i smsed daniel instead... and boy was he tickled!!! *grinz n whacks daniel* hahaha!! wah liao, i asked him to sms me how to say 'welcome to singapore' in jap but nooo.. that nice boy went to send me 'your eyes are beautiful', 'can we keep in contact' n 'you are very shuai' instead!!!! LOL hahahahahaha!!! and you know what happened? ... daojia read the msg! and he started passing my hp around despite my VAIN attempts to retrieve it! Then guess what, he passed it to cheng whom i didn't know could read jap!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *MORTIFIED* cheng read it out! he got so far as 'your eyes are beautiful' in jap when i abandoned all decorum and threw myself bodily at him and GRABBED my phone back!!!!! and kenta hoya was laughing... that beautiful, devastatingly joyous laugh!! *heart dances madly around and goes on holiday to cloud 9* he repeated tt jap phrase a few times with this teasing look in his eyes, mischievious and cheeky altogether! *melts into a puddle on the floor* yeah...... he thought it was my boyfriend sms-ing me that :P *phew* thank goodness!! i'd just DIE if he thought i was saying it about him...! SERIOUSLY!! :P :P :P
my goodness, my hearts really beating unaccountably fast, and it's been nigh on two hours since i said my farewells to him.. oh noooooooo.... he's leaving on monday morning 6am :( :( :( :( :( that was the last time i expect i'd ever see him.. *sobs* argh i can't believe it! i actually felt this little pain.. this little pang of loneliness and heartache when i let myself think that i'll never be seeing him again...!! oh no this is bad~ :P
btw, did i mention he's newly-wed???? ;P lol.
OMG DANIEL I AM GOING TO KILL YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! you didn't!!! i can't BELIEVE you DID!!!!!!!!!!! DANNNNNNNIELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL *hangs daniel upside down over a burning fire, skins him and cuts him into itsy bitsy pieces* he snuck in 'to see me' behind the 'hope you enjoyed urself in singapore and come back' msg tt i asked cheng to pass to him!!! NOOOOO!!!!!!!! i am HUMILIATED! i sWeAR!!! I'm going to migrate to to north pole and sell icecream to polar bears and penguins!!!!!! I will NEVER be able to live it down i tell you!! *laughs hysterically then faints in a hammerstroke of shock* Daniel: you have hereby humiliated, disgraced and embrassed me to the ends of my hair and the tips of my toenails~!! *whacks daniel*.... *whacks him again* };p
my dearest friends...... thank you for being that little (or not so little) breath of wind in my life, for reviving the cinders within and banking it with your closeness :)
Sometimes our light goes out
but is blown into flame by another human being.
Each of us owes deepest thanks to those
who have rekindled this light.
~ Albert Schweitzer
10:50 PM
Friday, July 25, 2003
for the first time, the very first time, I honestly don't feel like going for training tmr. my heart's not in it. the normalcy of it feels sooo so unreal. like everyone's pretending none of this is happening but for the flash of sorrow too hastily concealed. i would go because i want to go, to be with these friends of mine and put it aside, for a time.. the bliss of my forgetfulness. life must go on... and i cry for its reality.
Putting my hand over my heart, it hurts, literally. I rub it, but the ache won't go away. It seems as if a ball of cruelly sharp thorns has taken the place where by heart used to be. It throbs, like my heart; pumps blood, like my heart; but with each brutal beat, agony pulsates from it, a ceaseless stabbing pain.
A dreary pall prowls through the school. Zombies, the students. Moving with reluctant, dragging steps, sober disbelief in their eyes. But already, tradegy's grip loosens. A sound of laughter here, quickly hushed; A smile there, touched with sadness... It's amazing, people, humans.. how fast we can recover... life moves on... and it's true. Time gives no respite for sorrow, no reprieve to grieve... The fresh pain soon recedes to a dull ache, which slowly ebbs away, with time, to remain as nothing but a memory, crouching in the confines of our minds, patiently biding its time for a moment of weakness. then it shall pounce upon us unawares, engulfing us in a floodstorm of misery once again...
Is it so obvious that i've been crying? As I walk, strangers glance surrepticiously at me, vague pity on their faces, reflecting from their eyes. And when i look up, they'd avoid my eyes, unwilling, or unable to face what they see there.
so what DO they see there??
I feel disgusted with myself. Why did i cry? Why DO i cry??? For one thing, i don't even know her personally... she is but a whisper of a balmy breeze occasionally stirring the leaves on my Tree; a ghost of a presence on a sunny day. There are so many other ppl out there who actually knew her, people who have a reason to cry and mourn.
I am nothing.
Crying just made me realise how selfish I was, how shallow and self-involved. And in crying, i've come face to face with whats inside myself, and i'm repulsed by my own superficiality and self-absorption. In comp lab 3, knots of ppl were there, tears leaving a footpath of woe down their cheeks; their very bodies sepulchers of grief and loss. A teacher called for the og she lead to go one side, her classmates and ex-classmates to another... I quietly slipped out of the room. What was i doing there? Foolishly breaking down for no reason.. I can't even answer the simple question of "how do you know her?" for I don't.
Ee Sang does.
She was her ogl.
I can't even bEgIn to imagine how traumatising and shocking this blow would be to her. I didn't realise she didn't know... And I, stupidly insensitive and ignorant as usual, the harbinger of bad news, told her.
Her face crumpled up in a wretched expression and she wept. I have never seen her so utterly... distraught (and understatement if there ever was one) before. only for a moment, then she rushed to join her og. A ring of comfort, with the same memories of the same person... Again, there was nothing i could do to help, no way with which to ease her pain...
I worry about her. Saw her again later but she won't talk. How is she?? worried...
Lord Father, give her strength! Take away her pain God and make her happy again..!! :(
I love my friends. Really really really truely. I don't know what i'd have done had they not been there...
Wonderful caifong, who comforted me like no one else could.
Guan zhen, who stayed with me, stayed by me and prayed for me, morphine for my soul..
Grace Shiow with her enveloping hug and steady presence.
My class, for sitting together and taking solace in each other...
Kemmy, da n evita.. who accompanied me to borders in my self-imposed isolation.
Seasports... Andee with his open concern (how did he know??)
Beautiful nizam, who smsed mi to find out if i was okay....
I am such a hypocrite.
I don't deserve all these incredible, amazing, extra-ordinary friends that God gave me...
Thank you.
How pain is life, that we do not treasure it.
How violent is pleasure, that no joy is to be found...
9:10 PM
A J2 counsellor of Raffles Junior College has committed suicide.
please don't let it be true, please......
who am i pleading to?
God...
God?
why????
She had the sweetest smile, that would spread across her face, a genuine light of warmth touching her eyes...
Justina.
Before, she would smile when we passed in the haunting corridors of her school.
Before..
The canteen is hushed
like with her passing a light went out
and the world is dim, the school shroud in darkness and gloom
people cry, sobbing softly. wondering, wondering, we'll never know.
wandering around, aimlessly
students turned inward, no smiles grace the walls
I haven't smiled since morning
with a frown etched on my brow
sobbing crying weeping,
i never knew her.
now i hear the happy voices,
washing, flowing over me,
lecture has been cancelled,
but how can they rejoice?
a life has been taken
a soul.. damned for eternity
teachers have an emergency meeting, i stay... and wonder.
Why did she take her life? Why?? I suppose I'll never know. I don't understand! and... i understand....
pretend i didn't.
how could she take her life?
desecrating, destroying,
the temple of her soul.
why would one harm oneself?
tossing out the gift,
erasing all the strife,
throwing out the present,
dumping out the life.
yet i understand,
and i emphatise.
we'll never know, all the problems,
hurt, stress, despair
that plagued her, drove her.
and i understand why she'd done it,
tired of all the life,
tired of all the fighting,
tired of pain, the mercy knife.
I understand why she'd do it
to finally ease the pain
a sharpness to part and open,
release all the hurt and
it flows, a stream of red and warmth
feeling so good, to finally let go
free-falling, from a height,
to live a dream of flying,
a freedom to die.
or disdain the air that lives us,
the air that gives us life.
just stop breathing, lungs collapsing
a blanket drawn over you.
sleep...
and the air will poison you
slowly lulling you and
welcome the darkness,
the specter taking your hand
leading you away,
tucking you to bed...
peace.
for I've thought of it before,
many times Love's stayed my hand,
never thought there'd be another,
who would stand before my door.
for i never took the handle,
never turned the fateful knob.
but now the door is open,
left ajar for all to see,
the life that walks away from us, the soul that'll never be.
I can feel it.
This dog of doubt chewing my heart away.
I can feel it.
This terrible weight of despair chewing me up from inside.
I can touch it.
A numbness too great, too heavy to bear.
I can smell it.
The stench of death clouding me, choking me.
I can taste it.
A metallic tang of blood, sweet and bitter on my tongue.
And I hear it.
Voices of madness, whispering in my ear,
filling, echoing in my head... rushing, rushing...
Tension.
It is killing me.
Swallowed up in the sound of my screaming
Cannot cease for the fear
Of silent nights
Oh how I long for the deep sleep dreaming
The goddess of imaginary light
In my field of paper flowers
And candy clouds of lullaby
I lie inside myself for hours
And watch my purple sky fly over me
If you need to leave the world you live in
Lay your head down and stay a while
Though you may not remember dreaming
Something waits for you to breathe again
"Imaginary - Evanescence"
11:35 AM
Thursday, July 24, 2003
i just got off the phone with li... she was crying dammit! why am i not there?! why am i not by her side when she needs me most???!?!! what kind of CRAP 'best friend' am i supposed to be when i can't even COMFORT my best friend when she's hurting inside????????? shitshitshitshitshit.........! I want to be with li right now!!!! vj lost to ac in syf. syf comes once every two years so this was her ONLY chance, the only thing that mattered to choir/her. blast it! she sounded terrible over the phone, weeping and devastated. i can't bear it when she cries, every tear a pool of sadness and pain falling from her eyes rips a part of me into itsy-bitsy pieces and burns it in a torturous flame... i couldn't help, i couldn't comfort her!! i hate not being able to comfort ppl!!!! and i'm never able to! what am i good for? NOTHING! it pains me.....! maybe i wouldn't have done any better were i there, but i don't think i'm too egoist in saying my presence at least counts for something!!?
YEAAARRRGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *screams in anguish*
please God, please please please be with li right now and hold her in Your arms.. Let her feel Your presence and be comforted Lord Father!
O more then Moone,
Draw not up seas to drowne me in thy spheare,
Weepe me not dead, in thine armes, but forbeare
To teach the sea, what it may doe too soone;
Let not the winde
Example finde,
To doe me more harme, then it purposeth;
Since thou and I sigh one anothers breath,
Who e'r sighes most, is cruellest, and hasts the others death.
- (excerpt from) A Valediction : of weeping , John Donne
10:41 PM
i'm back!! :D
okkayyyy................ now i can't quite remember what i wanted to write.. :P haha, my memory's so bad i'll probably forget to bring myself to school one day. haha, that'll be good! *gRInZ*
oh yes, nizam. YOU'RE A GREAT FRIEND TOO!!!!! hahaha!! :D :D it's true u know, what u said, tt i only know u thru a friend.. more like a few friends though, since we both know ppl like andee, yee yen, jen, nita etc.. :) i don't know u very well though, only thru ur blog :P still, i find that many of the thoughts u express in your blog spell out with startling clarity what i feel too at times. Except you articulate MUCH better than me :) To be honest, i think we COULD be great friends, except that we don't interact much... hence i find you a potentially very very very good friend, but we're not there yet ;p (thank the propitious wave *grinz* somehow or other, it sounded a lot better in ur blog... i was really moved when i read it by the way! mebbe bcoz u typed it out~ lol..)
i can't go into much detail about the other thing i wanted to talk about, as i now have people (i know) reading my blog.. hmm. both blessing and bane :)
to adhere to the basics, i was not feeling very good last week... as illustrated in previous entries on my blog. yes.. couldn't take it anymore on sat and broke down. at least, i cried when talking to my mum (who was trying to force me into something and not understanding at all) inside pc office after training... good thing no one noticed though, or at least, i think only caifong did.. yeah. he called on sunday nite trying to find out what was wrong..... i wouldn't tell him.
i feel... terrible about not being able to share with him, but it's not stuff i tell ppl, see, i'm not even typing it in my blog~ :P haiizzz.......... jc life is superficial. one day when i'm bored with nothing to do, i shall expound on the superficiality of it... too tired to do so now, just came back from inter-fac floorball against engine. haha, we (arts) were trashed, totally! seven-nil or something like that :P ah well... not bad this was the first game eVa~ for most of us :)
Wait, i'm digressing... :P meant to talk abt cf when i was updating this during gp this afternoon (now is nite), but its all out of my head now.. bleah. but i do have some stuff to say abt mr.genius though.
you're getting too close,
too close to me.
don't take my space
it's space for me,
my one and only
let me be, let me off
please don't make me do it again..
let it be, let it rest
let me out of the rain
this rain of yours.
hmm. wait a sec... Alanis Morissette says it a lot better...:
Like Anyone Would Be
I Am Flattered By Your Fascination With Me
Like Any Hotblooded Woman
I Have Simply Wanted An Object To Crave
But You You're Not Allowed
You're Uninvited
An Unfortunate Slight
Like Any Uncharted Territory
I Must Seem Greatly Intriguing
You Speak Of My Love Like
You Have Experienced Love Like Mine Before
But This Is Not Allowed
You're Uninvited
An Unfortunate Slight
I Don't Think You Unworthy
I Need A Moment To Deliberate
- Uninvited
and then again, what she's saying is not quite what i'm feeling..... no time to illustrate / explain / analyze / evaluate my feelings right now... econs test on production n costs tmr which i have NOT studied for at all~!! =P
1:13 PM
"my life is inversely proportional to my blogging"... someone said that. i'm not sure which someone but i quoted it from abin's blog n i'm certain tt it'll continue being quoted by various busybodies (myself included), until it reaches the 'wise man' who said it in the first place :D haha~
ah well, a lot of stuff have been happening i suppose :P or at least, stuff i keep wanting to write about in my blog but never get around to typing it! procrastinator!! ;P haha, i don't even know where to start! hmm, i realise the last time i blogged was sunday... unbelievable! tt was only THREE days ago!!! *amazed* seems like a week has passed =) hmm, mebbe i should sort this out on a day-by-day basis :) :)
Monday
RACIAL HARMONY DAY!!!!!!! :D :D *gRINZ* not bad at all, i borrowed a punjabi (is tt how u spell it?) outfit from jen... it was green n made me look indian! which is exactly the effect i was trying to achieve!!! -smile smile-
Hmm, I don't think it was a very good/successful racial harmony day actually. RHD is supposed to promote racial ties and cultural understanding btwn different races in s'pore rite? but all e school did was to allow us to come in traditional costumes... oh as well as this mini-competition thing which consisted of alloting points to the class for every student who comes in traditional outfits, 1/person, plus extra pts if ur CT joins in ;) suffice to say, a03b did not make it to morning announcements ;P lol.
Seriously though, I really don't get it! Just for this one day, we're allowed to dress up in traditional costumes (which, by the way, i think look beautiful), and barely anyone did so!! of course, there were lessons to contend with, esp classes who had pe on mon, but still...!! *shakes head sadly* rather dismal compared to rgs, where EVERYONE would dress up and have fun taking pictures together and sashaying around the school.... :D *sighs at more fond memories of rgs*
Tuesday
Tuesdays in general are good days :) especially if i'm on mc and don't have pe in the afternoon... then i'll end at 2.10!! *gRinZ* haha, i didn't have pe, so it was a good day~ lolx.. actually, we didn't have pe coz mr.shav was sick! or unwell at least... he donated too much blood i think, or had insufficient blood to donate maybe :P apparently he was all pale and the doctor had to attend to him while he put his legs up etc etc... hmmz.
I didn't get to donate blood!!!!!!!! *sobs sobs* :( :( :( i was really really REALLY looking forward to FINALLY being able to donate my blood but they won't let me!!!!!!!!! *agonized look* i went thru the eNtiRE procedure, filling up the form, getting parental consent, even receiving the 'be nice to me, i am a first time blood donor' (or smthing like tt) sticker, but when i got to the doctor, he won't let me donate!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! wahhhhhh..!! *sobs* i suppose it was my fault, but i had no idea we couldn't take ANY form of medication before donating blood! i knew anti-biotics n such were out of the question, but i only had ONE measly clarinase tablet the night before so i could clear my nose b4 going to sleep!!! :( :( :( *sniff..* sooooooo... i didn't donate blood. :( but.... i got a free milo! :D heehee, *grinz*
oh yeah, almost forgot to mention, went down to pc in e afternoon... did a few laps (like 2 or 3), got sea sick, went to the pool, practised dribbling, got tips from cheng (yay! *grinz*) n went to lavender for tuition :)
arghz! found out from yong kim tt cheng was attatched!!! i had absolutely NO idea whatsoever!! seriously! i was in the dark, unaware, ka-poof! nada, nil, zilch, zero information at ALL!!!! =P
and before you get the wROnG idea, i am NOT, was not, or was ever going for cheng.. LOL ;) haha, just surprised i didn't know n surprised tt he actually HAS a gf~! ;) haha..
Wednesday
ah! today!! :D that was quite fast... hm, prob coz i glossed over some stuff and neglected mention of quite a few others :P well... today is wednesday. and i was TRYING to make a friendship band. was trying the whole day actually. bleah~ wasted so much effort when i came home n my sis taught mi how :P sighz...
training was fun, good and waayyyy too short :P mi dad picked mi up early coz we had guests :P blah blah blah.. not like i did anything anywayz?! sad..
now i can't type anymore coz my mum wants mi off the com :( lots of important stuff (to mi) tt i have yet to enter though.. tmr! *procrastinator*!! lol :)
12:47 AM
Sunday, July 20, 2003
wow~ first tuition session fr mr.lynn... mel er, tim tay n mich o'malley's geog tutor.
my mum thinks he's sissified. lol.
actually, i'm quite freaked out... he asked mi which class i was fr n when i said a03b, he was 'oh so u know timothy, melvin...' of course, i said yes. ignorantly, i asked him if he knew the ac ppl in my class (ziyi, rachel...) and he said that HE kicked ziyi out of acj. notice my shock. pls... i don't know what i juz got myself into :p yeah i'm freaked...
throughout the course of the 1.5hrs of tuition, i noticed that he seems rather fOnD of tim... stupid donkey (sound familiar??) n smthing abt wanting him to quit canoeing to join cross-country (which he's in charge of). i permit, tim DOES run very well, n i think he's very good at both, thank you very much. also, if i don't do my work, he'll pull my ear and pluck my hair out. yes... that would be his exact words.
remind me not to eat jap food at far east plaza... he seems to frequent that place. *shudder*
okay, maybe i'm giving you the wrong impression of mr.lynn :p he's really nice actually, soft-spoken and clear in his explanation. quite funny i suppose... and fussy (by his own admission). really... i have absolutely no idea what i've gotten myself into.
*gets freaked*
5:31 PM