Wednesday, September 10, 2003
love is a game darlin'... n if u think you're gonna win this one sweetie, you're sadly disillusioned };]
*does a matrix n cranks up on arsenal* evil grinz
2:00 PM
Tuesday, September 09, 2003
long time no quizzie... *grinz*
dependent
Which Personality Disorder Do You Have?
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woohoo!! *GRINZ* guess whose face that is...?? ;D
Cyprus
Which Pale Moonlight guy should you be with?
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and again...
Aragorn
Who is your Ideal Lord of the Rings (male) Mate?
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in case u're wondering, i'm not crazy.... merely obsessed ;) lol.
12:25 PM
the previous entry was written last night... spoke to li after that and felt tons better... :) except she's made me suspicious ;p AM i a rebound? is he really that sweet or just because he's trying to "hook me" in li's words? IS he sincere about his feelings or merely because he wants a girlfriend, something which he openly told me so...? haiz... strangely, yesterday was only the third time i met him. the first was simply an introduction n he left, the second was when he got my phone number and yesterday was the third. Funny... seems like i've known him longer than that :P except i just realised i don't really know him. yes he's told me about his life, things here and there... but i haven't known him long enough nor well enough to formulate my own opinion on what kind of a person he is. i haven't yet the opportunity to get him 'figured out' :P so all i have is jp's assurances to go by... jp whom i trust and who told me he (i'm not referring to jp here), already has a girlfriend.
it's really all rather confusing... :p
recieved a 'good morning' sms fr him this morning (6.43am to be exact) n abt an hour and a half later: "Sorry about last night. I didn't mean to scare you. I hope we can still be friends."
to give voice to my suspiciousions: what is THAT supposed to mean? did he purposely make me feel uneasy last night so as to portray himself as all remorseful and such? is this real? does he mean it??
sighs.... but then, i'm not a suspicious person in particular, hard as that may be to believe ;p so i shall take it as he meant it, n shelf my doubts for future references :P
honestly, i can handle it~! =)
12:07 PM
8/9/2003
9.30pm
I'm afraid.
Not a screaming, hysterical, my-knees-are-knocking kind of fear, but deep, tightly controlled fear, one that strains from my hold, reaching out tendrils from chinks within its prison and snaking out when i am negligent to wrap unnoticed around my heart, my soul, breeding my terror.
I think what i am afraid of is touch.
I'm afraid of people getting close to me, both in a physical sense as well as an emotional one. he put his arm around me and drew me near, looked into my eyes and rested on my shoulder, held my hand and guided me through the dark... But when he touched me, i was afraid... I became agitated, ill at ease and more guarded. Clanking up the drawbridge and filling the moat, the occupants looked out warily from arrowslits in the age-old walls of stone, retreating into the stark bleakness of the impregnable fortress.
Maybe my consternation and distress stems more from the lack of commitment.
I believe if i truely chose to love someone, i would be unmitigated in my affections, freely surrendering the keys to my keep and throwing open the gates in welcome. However, without commitment, there can be no trust. I will not permit an outsider entrance, no matter how familiar, into my castle walls, privy to my most intimate thoughts and rendering myself open to betrayal in the process.
I fear that without the commitment vital in every relationship, anything can happen and it would be no one's fault but your own. And i mistrust the lack of accountability on each part; i dislike the absence of responsibility for each other, that should anything untoward happen, the other can simply wash his/her hands of the matter entire and disclaim any involvement of the issue at hand.
From this, i can perhaps go on to say that what truely puts me at bay is vulnerability. The jagged knife of pain, bitter taste of betrayal, aching undeniability of hurt... I've experienced each far too often not respect them and fear their probable return... I don't want their return.
What i do want is to have control of my life.
If not me, then God.
I value freedom, independence and verily, life itself! much too much to allow one without loyalty, concern and steadfastness towards me and mine, to lay hold on them. I don't want to be crippled by vulnerability, bound by uncertainty. I don't want to be so helpless with regard to my own life and future (except to God for my life belongs to him anyway), that just anyone can step into my life, tramp all over the place and change it. I understand that we should 'expect the unexpected', but that does not mean to heedlessly throw oneself into the winds of fate and be at the mercy of the elements (for they have none), utterly powerless. Then my life won't be mine anymore, but in the hands of strangers and strangers' strangers.
*breathes deeply* okay, i'm home now... i can handle it. :p
11:53 AM
Sunday, September 07, 2003
I LOVE MY AUNT :D
holidays started yesterday (sat) n i haven't started studying yet!!!!!!!!! =P
yesterday morning was the sats trial test. and it was harder than i thought it'll be!! seriously, the english was CHALLENGING! i even found the math easier than the english except for some tricksy bits... how is that possible?? i'm an ARTS student for goodness sakes! ;) need to look up some words like parsimony, hegemony, antimony etc, n the relationship btwn transient and vagrancy... phew! 3hrs+++ of english and math! my brain was bursting... but i prefer these kind of tests to our mugger ones :)
aft sats, i couldn't go out with andee, yeeyen n friends coz i forgot to bring my wallet *slaps forehead* haiz, my mum msged my aunt just now asking her to ensure i brought the digi-cam back coz "she would forget her head if it were detachable". yes, those were her exact words... shows how much confidence she has in me doesn't it...? *wry grin* lol..
so went home to eat, slacked after that, jogged a little arnd 5 before going out with my family to esplanade for dinner and a play: The Forbidden City: Portrait of an Empress. hmm... it wasn't bad, some nice songs, a few nice voices, funny at times with somewhat crude jokes that totally don't fit... :p but an enjoyable experience on the whole :) prob coz of the theater itself :D it was amazing! i was sitting way up with my siblings in the circle seats, but the sound was perfect! if i closed my eyes (which i did not), i could have well imagined myself to have been sitting in the frong *smiles* haha, papa n mummy bought second row $80 tickets :P according to my sister, "soooo romantic!" ;) heehee~
talked to *ahem* for abt 2hrs last nite... from 12.30-2.30am... i really like talking to him! such easy-going and relaxed conversation we had, n he made me laugh a lot :) not a very difficult task i suppose, but my laughter was genuine, i was really quite happy :) :) :) elephants and giraffes... *roll eyes* ;p and he sang me to sleep... sighhhhs............. so sweeeettttt
then there's today... church in the morning, zoo after that then lunch with maee... just came back under an hour ago in fact :P and that brings me back to my original statement:
i love my aunt! *sMiLeZ*
3:57 PM