Thursday, August 16, 2007
Argh! My aunt just gave me a check for S$2k!!! Omg... this is really too much lah. How how how??? *scratch brains* HOW can i give it back to her?!?! Its not good to have too much money!! Oh goodness gracious me oh my... Wah lau... I really love maee, but i already owe her so much! She got like every single one of my internships for me! That is basically her setting me on my life's path liao, then she gives me money to boot! Aiyoh... I am mildly distraught right now. How do i repay a debt that can't be repaid? What do i give to someone who already has everything??? Ans: find out what she doesn't have and give it to her! HMMM... Liddat i think i need to earn much much, save much much and buy her and auntie teresa a holiday somewhere she hasn't been and would like to go! Gee whiz. That's gonna take a SERIOUSLY loonnng time.
10:34 PM
I am at a turning point in my life. Actually its a turn that's just been waiting to happen since I applied for my transfer and all I've done is prolonged it.
My heart can't take it anymore... I think i'm getting over both of them. I can't depend on yix to be there for me. And I can't depend on you yi to be stable when i need him to be.
How can i choose between two people i love equally in different ways? Never have I ever felt so torn before....
Please, Lord, please please please guide me... I really need You now :(
1:42 PM
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
Okay, i can live with the pain... I always do. One thing has been plaguing my mind though. I know his dad doesn't like me, but why not? I noticed it from the first time i met him. Just because he doesn't like papa perhaps? Sad... Sad that papa still likes him.
The boy is kayaking now and its raining. I worry, but i'm sure he can take care of himself.
Oh well... *shrugs* Had breakfast with Wil this morning. The sweet boy told me not to look so sad and cracked jokes to make me smile :) Yix, you can't make me choose between people i love. And you can't expect me to stop loving just like that, nor to give you all my love when i can't be sure that you'd husband it properly... Its funny how guys seem to think i'd make a good girlfriend because they think i'm low maintenance... In my opinion, the more a person loves someone, the more they'd want to do for/with that person. It doesn't matter if the other person needs/wants it, only that you give it because you love him/her. Saying, oh I don't do this for you because I didn't think you'd need it, is just an excuse to not give your all because of laziness, or lack of passion for the relationship to work out, or both.
Ah heck. Kayaking with andee n yee yen oughta keep me my mind off all this stuff!
2:14 PM
Well since he's never going to read this again, i guess its safe to post down how I feel.
I feel...
like the world can end right now and it won't make a difference to me, because for me, it has already ended.
I feel...
like running after him and begging him to take me back, because I'm pretty sure he'd listen to me if i went to his house now to say i'm sorry. But thats even more stupid than letting him go, because i'm a woman and women don't beg.
I feel...
like everything that just happened isn't real. It was so sudden (we were watching TMNT then Li called then this happened), but I should have been expecting it.
I feel...
like getting out of the house right now and walking randomly around the streets. Nothing that happens to me out there could possibly be worse than what just happened in here.
I feel...
numb.
It was the right thing to do right? But if it is then why do i feel like shit?
1:09 AM
I rock right? I managed to make the two men I love not love me anymore and broke everyone’s hearts (mine included) in the process. Brilliant work, Cheryl.
You think I don’t understand why Jo let you go Li? Well I do… I really, really do.
1:01 AM
It’s been more than 2 months since my last post… 2 months of losing myself, finding myself and losing myself again. 2 months of loving without thinking, or thinking too much; of praying and needing and wanting and well, of life in all its complicated glory.
Yi-xian
Strong, responsible, confident (arrogant at times), stubborn, scarred…
The living example of the lead male in a beautiful romance novel set in old English times.
In the book, he starts out open and carefree, loving freely and steadfast in his love. Then tragedy occurs. The woman he loved with all his heart scorned him, perhaps, or cheated on him. And he goes to war, grief-stricken but determined not to show it. Years later, he returns from battle a different man. A hardened man.
Stripped of his youthful innocence, he becomes cynical and jaded, letting women to his bed but not his heart (and the women go eagerly, attracted by his dangerous air and midnight eyes. Each of them wanting to be the one to sooth his heart but succeeding only in soothing his body.)
Then one day, a young woman just introduced to society catches his eye. Vibrant and beautiful, the daring sparkle in her eyes captures his attention from across the crowded ballroom and he finds himself drawn to her… Somehow the knowledge that she is already betrothed didn’t seem as important as it should, especially when she appeared to feel as attracted to him as he was to her.
Long story short, they fell in love in secret while her betrothed was away for a few months. Breathless moments of sinful pleasure coupled with the sweetness of falling asleep in each others’ arms and the simple joy of playing in the snow. Little by little, the walls around his heart melted like ice to her warmth and he felt a measure of peace and contentment creeping over him that he hadn’t felt in years.
You Yi
Earnest, loving, faithful, steadfast, sensitive and possessive…
Also another epitome of a lead male in a romance novel, albeit, one with different qualities from the first. He too, has loved and lost. But his more open, trusting and giving nature allowed him to love again with less pain, learning from the mistakes he made in the past.
Out in the countryside, his friend invited him to an exclusive party of another friend. It was here his eyes beheld the girl who would become his next love. Yet to be introduced to society, she brimmed with the artless gaiety of innocence, unaware of her beauty and of the power of her cheerful smile. Relentlessly, he pursued her and she fell in love with him in a trice, loving him so completely and wholeheartedly as only one who has never known the thorns love carries can love. Before long, they were betrothed with the benevolent blessings of both families.
Their engagement, however, was to be an extended one. He first had to settle an education overseas while she would be introduced to society and given the chance to change her mind. And so he left… Fiercely loyal to her, he called frequently and tried to curb his jealousy as she made her debut and discovered an exciting life without him.
Slowly, the distance between them grew… She called him less and didn’t want to hear from him very often. And when they spoke, the name of another guy appeared to crop up more and more. He couldn’t help the intensity of his love. Jealousy ate him up from inside and hurt tore him apart. It frightened her and pushed her away, even as the other guy drew her close.
So it seemed their love was not to be and their betrothal was called off. But it doesn’t end here… For soon, he returned from his long sojourn…
I was going to write more… But there’s no point. Its over. The girl loved both and thus can have neither. The cynical warrior loved her too much to bear the thought of her divided heart and so he walked away. Down the long dark road leading away from her house, little pools of light from the streetlamps making the darkness darker, he walked. She hid in the shadow beneath the tree, numb with grief and watched him go… He never looked back. Not even once.
Its over, its over… Yi-Xian, I love you too much to make you stay. More than you’d ever know or care to have. This is the way it should be. But you’d always be in my heart… ALWAYS.
12:54 AM