Thursday, April 26, 2007
I'm just sitting on my bed, smiling. I don't want to do anything except savour the last 2 hours we spent together... But i'm blogging because I want it to last forever :)
Dinner then cuddle. And he actually felt more inclined to talk than me this time! So I mentioned the picture of rachel kissing him.. Lo and behold, it was this sem not the last, which means it can't have been too long ago. He swears that he can't remember when it happened (even though he hasn't been drunk at all this semester) and that the girl already has a boyfriend (b*tch! i know she liked him before!!) and spent 15 minutes hugging me and kissing the back of my neck (because I had turned away from him). Actually, I turned away automatically and out of sheer principle, not because I was really angry or upset... He was there, holding me tight. He is mine, what have I to be upset about? It is virtually impossible for me to get angry as long as he's there... Sappily phrased, he is a balm on my emotions, soothing it away and healing what's torn inside, my nectar of joy. (that's when he's around of course, when he's not, my mind runs amok and my emotions go out of control. All i need is him to be with me.)
So I asked him about his ex-gfs and he said that since the first one, there hasn't been anyone really serious until me. (he's smooth, i'll give him that.) they were together for 2 years 2 months and her mum really liked him and he really liked her (the mum i mean) but the girl was a bit crazy so it didn't work out.
I told him about your theory, Li, about how we should all have a nametag of who we're supposed to be with and how that would make everything easier for everyone. But he immediately disagreed, saying, "Then we won't learn. We would always be wondering what's it like with someone else. Like now, I know that you're the one for me and we can spend a lifetime together." which totally made a lot of sense! Remember how you used to think you'd marry Fi and wished you had kissed other boys before settling down? Haha. Now i know why people hook up... Its like taking tasting portions at a buffet before deciding which dishes you like and settling down to a good meal.
Then he stopped and said, "you know, I'm the one who should be upset. I've committed to you but you haven't committed to me!" .. pause... "I've told you twice that I love you, yes I've been keeping count, but you haven't said it at all to me!" .. indignant silence... "So when will you commit to me?"
I nuzzled the hollow of his neck and said, "when I commit to you, you'd know."
After a long while of tight hugs and lingering kisses, I told him that I'd commit to him when I could trust him with my heart. He didn't really say anything in response to that... Earlier I had asked him if he trusted me and he said yes. He trusts me with his heart. Not with his life because he refuses to let me jump in front of a shower of bullets to save him (that's his job, he insists) and I'm not allowed to die for him. So i'm one of four people he trusts... The other 3 are his dad, his best friend Chester (who, incidentally, never liked any of the girls yix went out with before. Sound familiar? lol) and his other best friend Johnathan. Not bad for someone who just stepped into his life :p
In fact, he asked me how long we'd been together. Confused (coz i don't think yix and i are together together yet), i thought he meant you yi and i so i said 1 & a half years. Whoops! Haha. Well, its been about 4 months since he kissed me in the hallway of Gwathmey 1st floor and took hold of my emotions with his hand. That's pretty darn long... He said for him, it was the moment i was cooking something and turned around and our eyes met (more like caught and held) and he said the silliest thing, "do I know you?" I gave him a puzzled smile and said i didn't think so, but he tried his primary school, "Nanyang xiao xue?"
"Bu shi," I replied in chinese, which he found really funny and that's when we started comparing schools and things and somehow realised that our dads actually do know each other. Small world :)
Well back to tonight, he said i'm supposed to become his girlfriend, then marry him, then wait for him to come home and bear his children and comfort them when they cry (he wants at least 3! I said painful and he was like, sucks to be you. Then he laughed and hugged me and told me he'd pamper me upside-down while i'm carrying his child). I whispered into his ear that I will become his girlfriend and that we'd think about the rest later. He hugged me sooo tightly after that and I, him. And all I can breathe is this moment, and all I can taste is your life. I feel as if we were trying to absorb each other into ourselves, as if thinking that if only we held on tight, we could never lose each other. I want to know him deeper than the mere senses God gave us to know the world. I want us to be so much a part of each other that I would smile randomly during the day, knowing that right at that moment, he was thinking of me and missing me. & vice versa. But such things are the stuff of fairytales and romance novels. Still, if i allowed myself to fall, I would knock myself senseless when I hit the ground. So best keep a hold on myself and go slow... Mmmm :)
I've been sitting up typing for an hour, but my heart is still lying around in my chest, rolling, stretching and purring loudly. He's got a hold on me. No doubt about that!
10:59 AM