Friday, March 23, 2007
I have been thinking a lot lately and i think i need to engage people in meaningful conversations. Conversations like those i have with liyana & like those i used to have with Andee & Yee Yen. And with Flora when i was in primary 4 & 5 (i can't believe we actually talked about the meaning of life at 10 years old... we were really good friends! i wonder where she is now?) Conversations to get to know people better than the "how are you?" that people automatically spout out whenever they pass someone they know. Most of the time they don't even expect an answer =/
I am officially single now. I am single, I am free. I don't regret anything I've ever done in life (except setting foot on stage in the middle of Orchard Road and completely freezing up in front of a few hundred people). There are a few things I would have tried to improve, yes, like not losing my virginity before i marry, but when it all boils down to it, my life is everything that I've made it to be... All my choices have led me down the path to where i am now, and my experiences along that path have shaped me into who i am now. And I'm fine with that.
Looking back, i realise that i haven't been making very good choices out here on my own in 'beautiful' America. I have let loose a lot and let my id take control (id in the sense of Freud's id, ego and super ego) so though i feel more 'at home' with myself, i also feel as if I'm not doing this right. What happened to the guai, church-going, idealistic, optimistic me? The baser side of me is really the wilder, darker side of me that i really need to learn, not to control, but to live with. Put myself together again & be the best of both worlds. Dance like no one's watching, sing like i've never sung before and love like i've never been hurt. But i also need to have faith in God's love and love with all the love He's given me. I told You Yi that i wanted to be mine (not his) but more, that i want to be God's child. Have the innocence of a child but the strength of a god. Wow. I'm asking for a lot aren't I?
| 3/23/2007 | 1:24:12 AM | from autumn to ashes | .: ck :. | maybe you're supposed to be the one to save him. | ||||
| 3/23/2007 | 1:24:47 AM | .: ck :. | from autumn to ashes | i wish... | ||||
| 3/23/2007 | 1:24:52 AM | .: ck :. | from autumn to ashes | i really really really wish i could | ||||
| 3/23/2007 | 1:25:09 AM | .: ck :. | from autumn to ashes | =( | ||||
| 3/23/2007 | 1:25:23 AM | from autumn to ashes | .: ck :. | we'll see how.. | ||||
| 3/23/2007 | 1:25:35 AM | from autumn to ashes | .: ck :. | maybe he'll be the one to save you. | ||||
| 3/23/2007 | 1:26:20 AM | .: ck :. | from autumn to ashes | haha me? | ||||
| 3/23/2007 | 1:26:25 AM | .: ck :. | from autumn to ashes | i don't need saving | ||||
| 3/23/2007 | 1:26:29 AM | .: ck :. | from autumn to ashes | i can conquer the world | ||||
| 3/23/2007 | 1:26:31 AM | .: ck :. | from autumn to ashes | =) | ||||
| 3/23/2007 | 1:26:56 AM | from autumn to ashes | .: ck :. | haha everyone needs to be saved. | ||||
| 3/23/2007 | 1:27:13 AM | from autumn to ashes | .: ck :. | that's why we have God. and that's why God made other people. to save everyone. | ||||
| 3/23/2007 | 1:28:07 AM | from autumn to ashes | .: ck :. | jo saved me from a life of mediocrity. | ||||
| 3/23/2007 | 1:28:47 AM | from autumn to ashes | .: ck :. | and i saved him from losing faith in himself. | ||||
| 3/23/2007 | 1:30:28 AM | .: ck :. | from autumn to ashes | wow | ||||
| 3/23/2007 | 1:30:35 AM | .: ck :. | from autumn to ashes | me... i wanna save people's souls |
I realise that what i told Delia & Mummy when i first got together with You Yi and started bringing him to church still holds true. Even if we don't work out, I'd be happy just saving his soul. The same holds true for every single person I've ever loved who's not a Christian (even some people i don't love :p). Selfishly, its because i want to be together with my loved ones in Heaven. I want them to experience the same joy, the same bliss I feel in God's love. Selfishly, its because the thought of people i know 'burning' in hell for all eternity pains me to no end, so in order not to pain i should try my best to make sure they don't burn in hell right? But that's just my faulty human perspective. Yes indeedy-do.
Perhaps the way i saw myself 20 years down the road (before i met you yi) will come true after all... Me by myself in a nice cosy condo with a room full of books :) That would be my home. And i would have a nice job and care for my parents, my grandparents and my aunt to the end of their days.
But that's just the cushy side of it. I've known, since i was in primary school, that i want to make a Difference in the world. I can see myself in Africa, bringing hope to the forsaken; I can see myself in China, in the hills and gullies that have escaped civilization, building a library and teaching children how to read; i can see myself in Iraq, comforting the wounded in hospitals... i can see myself, i can see myself......
But would i actually do all that? Since i've never actually tried it yet i don't know if i could stand doing it for the rest of my life. Still, i need to stop being such a pragmatic singaporean!! Follow my heart, not the money! =/ ok, if i transfer here, i will:
1. study very VERY hard
2. join Madison house
3. join the UNSA here (if they have one... if not, Amnesty International or something)
4. continue on with the outdoors club and mahogany
5. make more non-singaporean friends
Wow this post has been a whole mix and jumble of stuff that I've been thinking about :P
Apart from reading the news everyday, i think i shall endeavor to post something i find interesting (that does not have a direct relationship with my life) every time i blog. Learn something new everyday :)
Hmm... Okay. Today's news say that despite the breakdown in US negotiations with N.Korea over ending its nuclear program, they still appear committed to do so once the US side of the bargain has been met.
Stalinism: political & economic theory by Joseph Stalin that includes the extensive use of propaganda to establish a personality cult around an absolute dictator as well as the use of a secret police to maintain social submission. (N.Korea is currently under a Stalinist regime.)
Communism is an ideology that seeks to establish a classless, stateless society based on common ownership of means of production. Stalinism, Marxism, Leninism, Maoism etc are all forms of communist ideologies.
Ok i think that's enough for one post. My mind is feeling a lot less heavy now... yay :) unfortunately, i didn't get any work done at all -_- gotta study harder tmr & remember to give my parents a call.
3:09 PM