Monday, October 03, 2005
Siiiggghhhh......
I have 2 tests tomorrow.. A stats test and a driving test. Don't know which one i'll fail... Hah sigh. sorry, don't mean to be so pessimistic. Unfortunately i AM in a pessimistic mood right now... I hope I'll pass my driving anyway. If I don't, I'll really really REALLY feel like giving up.......
But i won't.
Of course..
Sighh... Sometimes i feel that life is made up of pressures and desires.. Our choices may not necessarily be our choices but are choices forced onto us out of desperation and circumstance.
Like, I would really NOT like to have to take driving test.. But i have to. Unfortunately.
Thus freedom of choice is an illusion... Filled with limits and restrictions and lack of choice... So what choice is there, ultimately??
Then there's desires... All the 7 sins and more that humans would undoubtedly indulge in to satiation were they not constrained by NON- freedom of choice & lack of resources.
So either we're forced to do something, or we desire something (with 'desire' smudged with impurity). Neither of which is good. I mean, we never 'desire' something that is good for us... Like education for example. I've never heard anyone say they desire education... The word desire brings to mind a (perhaps lustful) want for something one does not need, which can also be construed as greed.
Thus i'm lamenting on the lack of choice, yet saying that having a choice isn't good for us either!
Yup... That kinda sums up my thinking... OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO -think: "circles"-
Sigh sigh.
You Yi told me last night that he wanted to become a Christian "now". I was stunned, to put it mildly. Stunned as in i totally could not believe my ears and as such, handled it wrongly.. :s then saw him today and teared A BIT when we talked before he left... I suppose i've got lots on my mind. I've always told mummy that it doesn't matter if we don't get together in the end, coz i feel that God's purpose in bringing us together is so as to show You Yi love.. Thus so long as he's a Christian when we break up, my work is done.
I still feel that way, objectively. But i think my heart protests now and screams that "IT DOES MATTER!!!!!" hm.. yes. So perhaps i cried because my mindset is such that once he's accepted Christ, then my work is done? And God could take him away from me now at anytime?? ... :'( I know that God is good and he won't use me ruthlessly in such a way; but i also know that SINCE God is good, he does things for the best of us as well and maybe You Yi is not in the "Life of Cheryl"-masterplan, or I'm not in his?? ..... =( so i'm down. But i can't be up all the time right? So maybe this sad depression is part of the natural swing of things...
Then there's delia, my dear sister, who's got me praying like mad for her O's and worrying like crazy... :( :( :( She has a grand total of 32 points... Yippee.. And i don't know what it is she'd do! Please Lord... Open the way for her.. Show her Your love, Your plans, Your power and majesty.. Let Your will be done...
I had breakfast and lunch with mummy and papa on saturday... And they're extremely anxious right now... Bryan's costing a LOT in uk. Apparently it's already a stretch for him to be there. Then Delia is... Delia. And mummy and papa can't afford to send her anywhere to study even if we wanted to, which we might not coz we'd age prematurely worrying for her welfare out there. Then there's me... $6k per semester (or is it year?) which is no small sum either... So... I doubt i can go for masters in US after all... :( :( :( Sighh...
I'm not smart at all... Soo not smart. If i were smarter, I could get a scholarship and alleviate mummy and papa's worries... If i were smart, I could help support the family or even make myself less of a burden.. If i were smart, if i were smart, if if if if if...
:(
Sorry Lord.
11:17 PM