Monday, February 16, 2004
What can i do? What is there for me to do??
{Lord please guide my path}
Saturday was the best thing that happened to me in a long time but it has shaken me to the core of my being and changed... a LOT. He's perpetually on my mind now, this persistant spectral floating around inside my head, turning my thoughts inside out and upside down.
{Lord please take away my confusion}
And yes, i'm confused. I don't know where i am, where we stand, what will happen......
I miss him so much when we're not together and that scares me because i can't help it! I am so unsure and my footing so unstable that I'm stuck where i am now, unable to go back yet afraid of moving forward.
FEAR binds me.
{Lord You are my fock, give me Your strength to carry on}
I can't concentrate. i can't sleep. and worst of all: I CAN'T CONTROL IT!!!!!
"The trouble with love is
It can tear you up inside
Make your heart believe a lie
It's stronger then your pride
The trouble with love is
It doesn't care how fast you fall
And you can't refuse the call
See you've got no say at all"
Kelly Clarkson
What is this i'm feeling?? It's not infatuation, been there, done that, know how it feels like... and this is not it! No, it's something deeper... something different.
~ I am standing in a river with the rocks beneath my feet.
Cold water sweeping upwards and i find i cannot move.
The riverbanks have vanished and the current's gaining strength.
Teethering, i'm falling, please don't take me from my place.
River don't sweep me away. ~
Either i give myself wholeheartedly or not at all. The last time i freed my heart the guy told me after 2yrs that he has a girlfriend. Has had a girlfriend since before he knew me. End of story.
"Carpe dium" says liyana, seize the day. But the timing couldn't be worse.. A-levels? hello??!! I'm not the idealistic chit i was in pri n sec school days... (i miss those days. feel like i've lost a part of myself now.)
I understand the stakes involved. I LOVE to read but i'm not one of my characters... I can't throw my life away for something i don't know yet if it's love. something so fragile and transient as love...
Yet, my heart calls for it, yearns for it. I may have matured n learnt tt love is not at all what it's made out to be, yet i cannot entirely alter mine intrisically idealistic soul. Neither can i truely disbelieve in true love [for God has already chosen my companion] even when cynicism cloaks me, deep down inside i know that love can be the most wonderful thing on Earth one can ever experience, if one is lucky enough to find it.
{love is patient, love is kind... 1 Corinthians}
Yet all personal experience has taught me is that love HURTS!!!!!
What can i do, who can i talk to...??? Everything changes and nothing remains the same. Nothing is real. "Love is my illusion" ditto.
Bodies... music... hands...
This hasn't really helped much you know... i'm still confused and i still don't know what to do. :p
9:30 AM