Tuesday, September 09, 2003
8/9/2003
9.30pm
I'm afraid.
Not a screaming, hysterical, my-knees-are-knocking kind of fear, but deep, tightly controlled fear, one that strains from my hold, reaching out tendrils from chinks within its prison and snaking out when i am negligent to wrap unnoticed around my heart, my soul, breeding my terror.
I think what i am afraid of is touch.
I'm afraid of people getting close to me, both in a physical sense as well as an emotional one. he put his arm around me and drew me near, looked into my eyes and rested on my shoulder, held my hand and guided me through the dark... But when he touched me, i was afraid... I became agitated, ill at ease and more guarded. Clanking up the drawbridge and filling the moat, the occupants looked out warily from arrowslits in the age-old walls of stone, retreating into the stark bleakness of the impregnable fortress.
Maybe my consternation and distress stems more from the lack of commitment.
I believe if i truely chose to love someone, i would be unmitigated in my affections, freely surrendering the keys to my keep and throwing open the gates in welcome. However, without commitment, there can be no trust. I will not permit an outsider entrance, no matter how familiar, into my castle walls, privy to my most intimate thoughts and rendering myself open to betrayal in the process.
I fear that without the commitment vital in every relationship, anything can happen and it would be no one's fault but your own. And i mistrust the lack of accountability on each part; i dislike the absence of responsibility for each other, that should anything untoward happen, the other can simply wash his/her hands of the matter entire and disclaim any involvement of the issue at hand.
From this, i can perhaps go on to say that what truely puts me at bay is vulnerability. The jagged knife of pain, bitter taste of betrayal, aching undeniability of hurt... I've experienced each far too often not respect them and fear their probable return... I don't want their return.
What i do want is to have control of my life.
If not me, then God.
I value freedom, independence and verily, life itself! much too much to allow one without loyalty, concern and steadfastness towards me and mine, to lay hold on them. I don't want to be crippled by vulnerability, bound by uncertainty. I don't want to be so helpless with regard to my own life and future (except to God for my life belongs to him anyway), that just anyone can step into my life, tramp all over the place and change it. I understand that we should 'expect the unexpected', but that does not mean to heedlessly throw oneself into the winds of fate and be at the mercy of the elements (for they have none), utterly powerless. Then my life won't be mine anymore, but in the hands of strangers and strangers' strangers.
*breathes deeply* okay, i'm home now... i can handle it. :p
11:53 AM