Sunday, August 03, 2003
so TIRED..!!!
I realised the last time i actually blog BLOGGED was nearly four days ago (discounting yesterday's one-liner) and even that was not much of a blog except for the nice pics i put in... :p which would make my last official blog entry on wednesday, five days ago. sighhhh..................
everything seems to be piling up on me right now. that everything being the slavering beast of schoolwork that has been pursuing me relentlessly since the year began, bent upon devouring me. sigh... and i'm finally tired of running, tired of constantly looking over my shoulder and throwing the occasional rock at it, tired of its fetid breath upon my back.... so in turning to face it, i have begun the ever-imminent battle... and i am losing.
of course, my weary, human body could never have run from it forever, but the duel tires me. *sigh* it badgers me constantly, harrasing and haranguing me, allowing me no time for rest... no time to catch my breath nor regain my sadly depleted strength. 'Sleep' has become a foreign word.. a gossamer butterfly, etheral and indistinct, flitting forever a hair's breath out of reach.. like dreams in the morning dew vaporising with the first gentle touch of the sun, ever lost to my futile grasp.
nightmares plague the dismal pool of fitful dozing i fall into, dragging me into a dark world of "what ifs" that lurk in opressive prisons in my mind... 'Sleep'... that which i fear so desperately for dredging up the squalid phantasms in my soul and making them real... but need so much for the greater fear of its eternal brother.
i have hereby rambled enough.
on to other things... which would be what i wrote down on friday (1 Aug):
2pm
i had strange dreams last night.
strange, possibly because it wasn't an actual nightmare, more like manifestations of things i strongly wish would happen that has been irking me for some time now.
i dreamt that i was walking along the school corridor and i saw this guy standing in front of the ssc board. walking past, i caught a glimpse of the board n realised it had been mysteriously updated! turning to look, my dream shifted. I dreamt that PW had been cancelled... sigh, if only~!... haha, unfortunately, i had no lingering feelings of ecstatic euphoria, which meant i was too damnably down-to-earth to have believed, even for a twinkling in my dreams, that PW would EVER be cancelled.. :P *sads* hmm, somehow i received the impression that tt guy standing before the ssc board was e mysterious benefactor who updated it. he had the air of someone admiring his own handiwork... maybe? :)
11.50pm
I have a David-type personality. [refer to cps inter-fac drama feste]
Hiding beneath layers upon layers, i play an unending game of charades, never knowing what my next role will be, heedless of whose character would mask my being... And my 'true' self is so buried in a grave of lies and deception that i, myself have gotten lost in my "murky depth" ;P
And i wait for someone to understand, to give me that ball of thread that would lead me out of the labyrinth of mine own making...
pretending to be someone i'm not,
looking out of the facade that others perceive me to be,
withering in the loneliness within,
waiting for someone to take my hand.
tell me who i am....
For i see the flaws within and am appalled by the blackness, bleakness... Running from myself, I hide in the image of all i'm not, a weak imitation of who/what i want to be. losing grip.
who am i?
Won't you like to know? i would too... Maybe all the above is just me hiding, deluding, misleading myself again... for what complex maze lies within that makes me wander so..?? for i could be all that of my seeming being: a shallow, meaningless, aimless, slacking biAtch, an unwelcome presence that leeches the essense of vitality from others, stealing it in selfish greed to conceal my own lassitude and lifelessness.
i don't know...
9:59 PM