Friday, July 25, 2003
for the first time, the very first time, I honestly don't feel like going for training tmr. my heart's not in it. the normalcy of it feels sooo so unreal. like everyone's pretending none of this is happening but for the flash of sorrow too hastily concealed. i would go because i want to go, to be with these friends of mine and put it aside, for a time.. the bliss of my forgetfulness. life must go on... and i cry for its reality.
Putting my hand over my heart, it hurts, literally. I rub it, but the ache won't go away. It seems as if a ball of cruelly sharp thorns has taken the place where by heart used to be. It throbs, like my heart; pumps blood, like my heart; but with each brutal beat, agony pulsates from it, a ceaseless stabbing pain.
A dreary pall prowls through the school. Zombies, the students. Moving with reluctant, dragging steps, sober disbelief in their eyes. But already, tradegy's grip loosens. A sound of laughter here, quickly hushed; A smile there, touched with sadness... It's amazing, people, humans.. how fast we can recover... life moves on... and it's true. Time gives no respite for sorrow, no reprieve to grieve... The fresh pain soon recedes to a dull ache, which slowly ebbs away, with time, to remain as nothing but a memory, crouching in the confines of our minds, patiently biding its time for a moment of weakness. then it shall pounce upon us unawares, engulfing us in a floodstorm of misery once again...
Is it so obvious that i've been crying? As I walk, strangers glance surrepticiously at me, vague pity on their faces, reflecting from their eyes. And when i look up, they'd avoid my eyes, unwilling, or unable to face what they see there.
so what DO they see there??
I feel disgusted with myself. Why did i cry? Why DO i cry??? For one thing, i don't even know her personally... she is but a whisper of a balmy breeze occasionally stirring the leaves on my Tree; a ghost of a presence on a sunny day. There are so many other ppl out there who actually knew her, people who have a reason to cry and mourn.
I am nothing.
Crying just made me realise how selfish I was, how shallow and self-involved. And in crying, i've come face to face with whats inside myself, and i'm repulsed by my own superficiality and self-absorption. In comp lab 3, knots of ppl were there, tears leaving a footpath of woe down their cheeks; their very bodies sepulchers of grief and loss. A teacher called for the og she lead to go one side, her classmates and ex-classmates to another... I quietly slipped out of the room. What was i doing there? Foolishly breaking down for no reason.. I can't even answer the simple question of "how do you know her?" for I don't.
Ee Sang does.
She was her ogl.
I can't even bEgIn to imagine how traumatising and shocking this blow would be to her. I didn't realise she didn't know... And I, stupidly insensitive and ignorant as usual, the harbinger of bad news, told her.
Her face crumpled up in a wretched expression and she wept. I have never seen her so utterly... distraught (and understatement if there ever was one) before. only for a moment, then she rushed to join her og. A ring of comfort, with the same memories of the same person... Again, there was nothing i could do to help, no way with which to ease her pain...
I worry about her. Saw her again later but she won't talk. How is she?? worried...
Lord Father, give her strength! Take away her pain God and make her happy again..!! :(
I love my friends. Really really really truely. I don't know what i'd have done had they not been there...
Wonderful caifong, who comforted me like no one else could.
Guan zhen, who stayed with me, stayed by me and prayed for me, morphine for my soul..
Grace Shiow with her enveloping hug and steady presence.
My class, for sitting together and taking solace in each other...
Kemmy, da n evita.. who accompanied me to borders in my self-imposed isolation.
Seasports... Andee with his open concern (how did he know??)
Beautiful nizam, who smsed mi to find out if i was okay....
I am such a hypocrite.
I don't deserve all these incredible, amazing, extra-ordinary friends that God gave me...
Thank you.
How pain is life, that we do not treasure it.
How violent is pleasure, that no joy is to be found...
9:10 PM