Thursday, June 12, 2003
helloo... am in the ITRR with germaine now, waiting for irritating mr ho to actually SHOW UP for tuition *shakes a fist at him* >P aniwae, since i'm here, i thought i'd type in all tt i wrote into my organiser last night. it's called spewing. i had to write everything out to release some of the burden lest it overwhelm me. and believe me, i was being overwhelmed :P
here goes...
Time : 2250
Date : 11/6/2003
Shit.
I feel like a pile of shit...
I feel like crap.
I AM crap.
oh man oh man... this really sux! What am i doing?!?!!?!??!?!
Was at fort canning watching Moulin Rouge with ernest , a.k.a. ee sang, tonight, using VIP tickets from Maee. The movie was great, the weather was beautiful. although there were no stars and the moon was obscured by clouds, a gentle breeze blew constantly, swirling through the crowd and cooling us.
Sometime at the end of the movie, when Satine went to the tower with the Duke n saw Christian walking beneath, sometime then, ernest draped his arm around me. And after the show was over, after we packed the groundsheet n i was picking up my bag, he asked me to be his girlfriend. He said to give him a chance, to give us a chance n to be his girlfriend.
i said no.
I told him i can't... and i really can't! I don't know what to do, my soul is in turmoil right now and my heart is thumping round the cavity within my chest trying to find the right beat. the beat is illuding me... My heart is torn n i feel terrible~!!! [imagine how he feels...] Please God, tell me what to do!!!! I told him I can't coz I don't want to decieve my parents and when/if i get attached, i want them to know. n i want their blessings. that's what i want! He said we could hide from them, as if we were Satine n Christian hiding from the Duke. But that's different... that's a movie... that's TRUE LOVE... And i don't know what this is. i don't think it's love. His even saying that struck a discordant note within me. Inwardly, i took a step back... I knew... I knew deep inside me that it was innately WRONG! He was telling me to decieve my parents...! and i look back on it now (abt 20mins ago), I find it HIGHLY disturbing... no, more than that... distressing.
Walking out to the carpark, he asked if he was frightening me, saying tt the last thing he wanted to do was to frighten me. I automatically answered no, but shifting out the myriad of chaotic feelings within me, i find that i AM frightened. He doesn't want to frighten me, but he already is..... :(
Yesterday (was it just yesterday?? feels like an eternity and a day ago), I was looking thru his organiser n came upon this dream he recorded, on 3rd Jan 2003. He dreamt that he was with this girl, whom most ppl thought of as average, but he thought was beautiful. He dreamt that she was Aquarius, born on 2 feb, n a J1, one yr younger than him. In his dream, she was wearing a necklace with a pendent in the shape of a heart (he drew an arrow here, noting tt it seemed to be made of some white material) which he had bought at a bazaar n given to her after the had some romantic walk somewhere (unspecified), n he felt he really loved her. He was watching me read it and said "u know, most of this fits you..." except for my birthday.
The shit thing about all this is that I DON'T THINK I LIKE HIM THAT WAY!!!!!!!!!!!!! and worse, I MIGHT STILL LIKE CAI FONG!!!!!!!!!!!!! ARGH!!!!
I told this to my sister n she shook her head saying "i think u screwed this up a little..." Delia! Let's be frank here... i screwed it up a LOT!!! What in the WORLD am I doing?!?!?!??!?! I don't know what i'm doing I don't know what i'm doing I don't know i don't know i don't KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!! ahh... damn it. today at the pool (in big splash), i was trying to capsize caifong :P it was almost seven n i was abt to go bathe so ernest n i could leave. i was TRYING to capsize cf but it didn't quite work at first, tt heavy pig >;P until ee sang snuck up behind him in her kayak n gave me a helping hand -gRINz- ;) after tt though, i did quite well on my own... he tried to grab my hand to keep himself fr being capsized (idiot almost dragged my shorts off while under water) :P so he was holding on to my wrist n i was trying to twist free... Obviously that didn't work since he's only abt million times stronger than me.
[he held on to my wrist tightly yet i din't feel any pain. there's no bruise, nothing. even when i do aikido i get bruises fr e uke gripping my wrist. i would have as soon move a mountain than twist out of his solid grasp but throughout all that he didn't hurt me at ALL]
Aniwae, i ended up doing the 'shomen-uchi ai-hami' (an aikido move which i can't spell right) on him n capsized him again.... -evil grinz- };] heehee! aft he came up though he tightened his muscles so i couldn't twist him (darn!) and he was still holding on to my wrist!!! So i held on to his restraining hand (using my free hand, tt pig was only using ONE hand to hold me!!), trying to do something, anything, to break free... aft a (short) while though, i realised i had to force myself to continue 'struggling'. i realised i wasn't really trying to 'escape'. i realised tt I DIDN'T WANT HIM TO LET GO!! I liked the feeling of his hand... :( :( i did let go though, however reluctantly, coz yee yen was shoting "cheryl's a flirt!" n cheng yu they all were making 'ohh'-ing n 'whoa'-ing sounds :P
When ernest draped his arm around my shoulder, my first instint was to shrug him off... n i almost did! i managed to stop myself though, to see how it felt like. it felt... heavy. *dismal look* :( wth... now i realise tt e only reason it has come to this point n everything, is tt cf told mi to give him a chance... n i AM i HAVE i DID!! but all its done is gotten me more confused n quite screwed on top of it...
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.....!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Aft sch i went to parkway to meet cf to play pool, even though ernest had arranged to meet mi at ghim mor mac's. he only arrived at PP in time to play one game wif mi but throughout tt game i kept glancing at cf... i realise i CARE more for cf than i do for ernie. If ernest weren't the one calling me every night etc, i dun think our friendship would have come this far... there's no connection, no instant bonding or feeling of comfortability like i have with my good friends (eg. ee sang n caifong). u know how it is when u meet ppl n u instantly hit off, can be together for hours on end without running out of things to talk abt n even without talking it still feels at ease, ppl whom i can be myself with... there's none of that with ernest... in fact, he's more of an aquaintance, more like e kind of ppl i see arnd n wave to, holding occasional short conversations wif.
I really really REALLY think ernest is juz looking for a girlfriend... not tt he just wants to be attatched, but he's got all this LOVE bottled up in him n i'm just an appropriate obj of his affection. it's not me he loves, but Love itself... i know n i understand coz tt's the way i feel too, i'm lonely, looking for my special someone to share my life with. but unlike him, i can 'see' clearer n i won't settle for just anything. i could get along splendidly with him in the name of 'Love' if love itself was all i ever wanted. but it's not, coz i don't. and that really sux...
I want to find my soulmate. I really need him right now. I want to find God too. I need him even more. Please Father, show me the way...
[end of written journal entry]
9:53 AM